Sunday, December 27, 2009
Houston (7-7) plays Miami (7-7) today, so one of those teams will be out of the race by the end of the day. If Miami wins they go to 8-7, and play the Steelers next week. So even if the Dolphins win, they still don't make the playoffs with a loss to the Steelers next week. If the Texans win they still don't have as good of a conference record as the Steelers, and they play the Patriots next week. Sorry Houston, you're out.
The Jets (7-7) play the Colts and the Bengals back to back these next two weeks. Their offense is attrocious, and there is no way they win both games. They are out.
The team with the best shot at ruining the Steelers' playoff hopes is again the Jacksonville Jaguars. They play the Patriots this week, and the CribbsBottomfeeders next week. With a better conference record they are already ahead of the Steelers, and if they win today could be a lock regardless of a Steelers win or loss.
This is obviously the only week where I'll ever root for the Patriots.
Here's a good question...if he is so fast, then why can't he run his way out of Cleveland? That's what he's been trying to do this whole time...he just happened to also be holding a ball.
Notice my friend Limas here in a Texas jersey. He's in a Longhorn jersey in the picture because I'm pretty sure he's never been on the field in the NFL and not screwed up somehow.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Here are my picks for today:
Philadelphia NJ vs Atlanta
The Falcons without Matt Ryan? I'll take the pride of New Jersey, Philadelphia.
Tampa Bay vs Carolina
Hmmm...I'll take Carolina. Can't wait until Cowher is there next season.
St. Louis vs Cincinnati
No contest. Bengals.
Indianapolis vs Tennessee
Tons of people are talking upset here. Tons of people are stupid. Colts.
Denver vs Kansas City
We need Denver to lose to get an early wildcard spot, but they win today.
New England vs Miami
Of course I would LOVE the upset, but Miami will stumble. Patriots.
New Orleans vs Washington
Non-competitive matchup here. Saints roll.
Houston vs Jacksonville
Jacksonville loses the game and their early wildcard spot. Thanks Houston!
San Diego vs Cleveland
HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Chargers.
Dallas vs New York Giants
Giants are slumping BIG TIME. They are fresh off of a bye week, but Dallas gets the job done.
Seattle vs San Fransisco
Wow, outside of the Pacific coast, who the hell cares? No I, said the toddler. 49ers.
Minnesota vs Arizona
This should be a pretty good game. If Warner plays...maybe. However, I'll stick with the Vikings to win.
Green Bay vs Baltimore
We need Green Bay to win this game to distance the lead over the Ravens. Green Bay.
Pittsburgh vs Oakland
If Pittsburgh doesn't win I'm slapping my mom...hard. I'll slap the shump right off of her face. Steelers.
Actually, I will not talk about the Chiefs game. It just goes to show how the Steelers like to play down to any level. Bullshit. The entire Steelers team receives the Gaper award for being pussy pieces of shit. (What was that about losing creating animosity? Oh well.)
Now on to the Ravens game...
Dennis Dixon played so much better than I thought he would. Sure, he threw an interception in overtime...but the defense lost that game. It shouldn't have gone to overtime. Did anyone else notice a SLOW Ray Lewis? What is he, like 98 years old? Some people don't know when to retire, or die. Either one would be a solid decision for Ray Ray.
I'm not sure what the difference is between last years defense and this years. Does Troy Polamalu really mean that much to the team? I guess so. The Steelers have not lost big all season, and you have to think that if Polamalu was in there he MAY have tipped the balance. That speaks well for their playoff chances, which I say they will be there. Steelers WILL get a wildcard.
Way to be a dick.
Mike Tomlin: "We will not go gently; we will unleash hell here in December, because we have to. We won't go in a shell; we will go in attack mode because that is what is required,"
Holy shit. Hearing that come from the Clark Kent of NFL coaches...now I want to punch someone in the face. Luckily I live in Boston and there are a plethora of queens who need a good bitchslap. If I were the Raiders I'd be shitting my pants right now. Good news for Raiders owner Al Davis...he just got a diaper change.
I also found this because apparently the Raiders used to not suck dick. Well, they were a good football team, but they still sucked a chode off.
What's with that tool-shed at the end of the video? Yeah, he likes to show Steelers fans his one ring, and we like to bitchslap his chode devouring face with six. (You actually have to bitchslap him twice because there are too many rings for one hand.)
Ah, now I feel better. Watch Bruce Gradkowski get embarrassed today. Oh, and my older brother texts me last night to inform me that he has tickets to today's game. So, expect some amazing pics up here later this week.
Like being an Ohio football fan.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Colts over Ravens
Cowboys over Redskins
Detroit over Cleveland
Packers over 49ers
Jaguars over Bills
Vikings over Seahawks
Falcons over Giants
Saints over Buccaneers
Cardinals over Rams
Chargers over Broncos
Patriots over Jets
Bengals over Raiders
Eagles over Bears
Texans over Titans
Steelers over Chiefs
I went over to my friend's house at about 9 AM (the bar is a two hour train ride away.) We both thought it was an amazing idea to mix a two liter bottle of soda with a bottle of whiskey...Jameson of course...each. We then proceed to walk to the commuter rail which should take us to the Boston subway system. Now this ride is suppose to take approximately forty minutes because it takes a cockload of stops. Anyway, we get to the station at nine to find out that on Sundays the first train does not show up until ten. Alright, no big deal, because we both have plenty of drinking to do. So we sit down on the platform and proceed.
About thirty minutes later this nice old lady comes down to the platform and we talk with her about gardening for awhile. It's now ten o'clock, no train. Fine, we left plenty of buffer time in our plans. This classic Boston queen shows up at about 11:00, sees us sitting in our Steelers jerseys, and starts yelling, "We've got three Superbowls." If you have kids, do not let them read this next part. I retort with, "Six is greater than three you cunt sack!" My friend then starts yelling, "Tom Brady sucked my cock for three bucks!" at this queen, and eventually the dude's wife pulls him away and they go sit at the other end of the platform. Bitch.
The train does not show up until 11:30, or as I like to call it, to damn late. However, we still have some liquid left in our bottles. Obviously the best decision here is to remain sitting on the platform, finish our whiskey, then walk downtown to the bar to see the game. I'm happy to say that we pulled that plan off to perfection. It's now 12:30, and we get up to leave. We are walking out of the terminal when one of the orderlies yells after us that he's going to call the cops because we just sat on the train platform for three and a half hours, and now are clearly stumbling away. I yell, "Call the cops you bitch!", and we proceed to hurry around the corner and take our jerseys off. Clearly the jersey will be like a red arrow above my head when the cops roll by. We walk far enough away that it is now safe to don my James Farrior jersey once again. We reapply the colors and continue walking. This car starts honking it's horn at us, and we look over. This dude with a Queer Brady jersey flips us off, then drives away like the bitch ass rat he is. Pussy.
Finally we get to the bar, and sit down with the guys we normally watch games with. They can obviously see that we are already tanked off of our asses, at 1 pm, so the start buying us beers. That, ladies and gentlemen, is where the story ends because that is when my memory starts to fail. Fuck the Bengals.Chad Ocho Cinco gets the McNulty. Mustard? Are you kidding? Two catches for twenty nine yards and you talk shit? How about I send you some relish, because I'm definitely relishing the fact that you are such a chode. I'm also changing your name to OchoChodo, bitch.
A few thoughts for today's game,
1. This is the best time to be without Troy. The next couple of games go like this; KC, struggling Ravens, Raiders, Cleveland Taints, then the man should be back.
2. No Larry Johnson? Good. Jamaal Charles doesn't gain thirty yards.
3. Matt Cassel is the product of a good offense.
4. Carter and Clark will take care of business today. Or else...
5. Big Ben can stop bitching about being "Out of sync" with his receivers. Santonio's huge left bicep just shut him up. (Watch, every time Holmes has a big play, out comes the bicep. Guarantee.)
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Atlanta v Carolina
The Falcons are playing well...and Michael Turner seems to have found some running room again. I expect that to continue against a poor Panther run defense.
Tampa Bay v Miami
Tampa Bay burned my ass last week. ARE YOU KIDDING? What a perfect time to realize that you are not a bunch of doorknob fucking inbreds (See entire state of West Virginia). Regardless, I'm taking the Dolphins.
Detroit v Minnesota
Sweet sassy molassey I hope Brett Favre is hurt. Maybe then people will shut the hell up about him. But for now, I'll take Minnesota to win.
Jacksonville v New York Jets
Not sure where to go with this one...not sure it's going to matter. I'll take the Jets? (Dammit, who put a question mark on the teleprompter?)
New Orleans v St. Louis
NON-COMPETITIVE. If the NFL had a mercy rule, I'm sure it would come into play for this game. Saints to win.
Buffalo v Tennessee
The Bills lost to the Browns. Does it get any lower than that? Titans.
Denver v Washington
A Redskins team without Clinton Portis is actually just as bad as it was with him. Denver.
Kansas City v Oakland
With these two both in the AFC West, I can understand why Denver is 6-1. I'll take the Chiefs for no specific reason.
Seattle v Arizona
Kurt Warner threw for five touchdowns last week. Seattle blew a busload of shims last week. I'll take the Cardinals.
Dallas v Green Bay
The Packers lost to Tampa Bay last week. That's poor. Although, Jerry Jones is an assclown. Which way to go? Dallas because Aaron Rodgers will be sacked seven hundred times in the first ten seconds.
Philadelphia v San Diego
The Super Chargers to win. Philadelphia New Jersey can rot in hell.
New England v Indianapolis
Belichick can eat shit. Let's go Peyton.
Baltimore v Cleveland
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Baltimore wins in an empty stadium.
Pittsburgh v Cincinnati
Can't wait to give Ocho Cinco the Gaper next week.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Rant aside, this guy from Sports Illustrated may be the smartest football mind in the world, aside from yours truly. This is the guy...Jim Trotter. He wrote a column dealing with his predictions for the remainder of the NFL season. Here's his number six:
6. The Steelers will not lose another regular-season game. The belief among personnel people is you had better beat the Steelers early in the season because they get stronger as the year progresses. Sure enough, the defending Super Bowl champions have won five in a row and look to be finding their rhythm. More eye-opening: The Bengals are the only team left on Pittsburgh's schedule with a winning record. Scary.
Morely, you need to pick your shit up. Your buddy, Mike Wallace, continues to be reporting the news to every defensive back in the league. As a matter of fact, Wallace will personally deliver a sixty minute diatribe to Cincinnati DB's this week. So, Morely, pick your shit up and start contributing. Pretty soon Steeler Nation will give up on you like they have on Limas Sweed.
Here's some keys to the game today:
Cedric Benson will not gain one hundred yards. Carson Palmer has been loving the Bengals newly found running game. After all, it was Benson who finally ended the Ravens game streak without a one hundred yard rusher. Unfortunately, he will not have the same success against a top level defense.
Pittsburgh linebackers vs. Cincinnati offensive line: Some big plays are required from Harrison and company to throw the Bengals passing game off track. With the loss of production from Cedric Benson, Palmer will try to air it out, and if that loudmouth dickbag Ocho Cinco nets more than fifty yards, I'm going to burn down the Clemente Bridge.
Big Ben is going to destroy the Bengal defense. You watch...I'm saying over 250 yards, and two to three touchdowns.
That's it for now. I'll be watching the game at the only Steelers Bar that I have found in the city of Boston.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Here we go with my picks.
Washington v Atlanta
This is an easy one. Here's a tip for all of you...when your team's owner starts apologizing for shitty play, don't pick them to win. Atlanta.
Arizona v Chicago
Kurt Warner is looking ridiculously inconsistent this year. BUT, I'll take the Cards anyway. Arizona.
Baltimore v Cincinnati
They both suck. I hate division rivals. I won't pick the winner, but I'll pick Baltimore to not suck as worse.
Kansas City v Jacksonville
This should be an easy pick, but both teams have won games that they had no business being in. I'll take the Los Angeles Jaguars to pull this one out.
Houston v Indianapolis
Everyone keeps saying that this is the biggest game in Texans history. Too bad, because they are going to lose it.
Miami v New England
I would LOVE to take Miami here. Belichick is SATAN!! However, I'll New England to win.
Green Bay v Tampa Bay
In this battle of the Bays, Tampa Bay blows cock. They are so terrible, they might become the first team to ever have two winless seasons. Green Bay.
Carolina v New Orleans
I'll stick with the big easy until they give me a reason not to. New Orleans.
Detroit v Seattle
I don't really give a shit who wins this game. I'll take Detroit in the upset because Seattle is full of coffee drinking whiny bitches.
San Diego v New York Giants
This should be a pretty good game. I'll take the Giants to win a close game.
Tennessee v San Fransisco
Here's another game that nobody cares about. I flipped a coin and took San Fransisco.
Dallas v Philadelphia
Eagles, and it won't be close.
Denver v Pittsburgh
HERE WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO!!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
What a great game that was. The defense looked great, the offense was moving the ball, Brett Favre looked old and decrepit. Also, I was watching the game in a bar with a Vikings fan in it. Big mistake sir...and thanks for the beer.
No big surprise for the McNulty. See post below.
Denver...here we come. Two thoughts:
1. Ryan Clark could kill them from the grave.
2. Kyle Orton sucks. You've got to be kidding me, he's still a starting quarterback?
Cleveland seems to be in mid-season form. I love it. Read up on what their "fans" plan on doing for the Monday night game there in two weeks. They plan on boycotting the first quarter of the game there. Awesome. Although I have a better idea. You should all just stay home. Browns are going to get embarrassed on national television...again. To all of you Browns fans, and I mean both of you. Here is a parting gift from me.
There really are more than 10 reasons why Brett Favre should die. However, here are my 10:
10. He spells his name like an ass clown.
9. His jeans commercials blow MAJOR ass.
8. He went to school in Hattiesburg Mississippi, or as I like to call it, one of the two armpits of the nation. Now I know what you all are thinking..."Yeah, and I'll bet Cleveland is the other." Well my friends, you are all wrong. Cleveland is more akin to a taint. The jury's out on the other armpit, but Boston is a strong leader.
7. Bastard hasn't used a razor in over two hundred years.
6. If I hear someone call him a "gunslinger" one more time...I might become the other version of a "gunslinger".
5. He never accepted John Madden's man love.
4. Does anyone else remember last season when he was with the Jets and he had a phone conversation with Detroit GM Matt Millen right before the Lions played the Packers? Of course the Lions lost, but still. Brett Favre is a piece of shit.
3. He waffles more than southern breakfasts.
2. He has retired more than the entire state of Florida.
1. Finally, I can't read a sports page or listen to a game without hearing his freaking name. Come to think of it...maybe I will go "gunslinger".
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Talking about classless pieces of shit...hello Tom Brady and Bill Bellichick. Two years ago these two homers ran the score up on everyone on their way to a Superbowl LOSS to the Giants. Karma visited Tom Brady in the form of a destroyed knee the next year. I'm glad to see that they have learned their lesson. I hope karma visits both Bellichick and Brady this year in terms of a lightning bolt to the face. Bitches. I also love how everyone is saying, "Oh, the Patriots are back. Superbowl bound!" Hey New England, you still have no defense and no running game. Oh, and you played the Titans last week with the Buccaneers visiting this week.
With all that Patriots hating, they are not recipients of the Gaper Award this week, even if they deserve it. I'm giving that to Eric Mangini.
Sorry everybody...I'll have to finish later. I clearly waited too long to start, and now I have to leave for the game. StillerJack called me and gave me his picks this week:
New York Jets
New York Giants
and Cleveland is on a bye week, so they lose even more league wide respectability. Actually they didn't have any left, so they just lose. That's what losers do.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The fault here belongs to Spaeth for three reasons:
Police responded to an unrelated incident at McFadden's, a North Shore bar and restaurant across a parking lot from Heinz Field, around 9 p.m., [police Sargent Tina] Davidson said. While there, officers spotted a man urinating outside a white sport utility vehicle and began to give the man — identified as Steelers tight end Matt Spaeth — a ticket when Reed exited the vehicle, Davidson said.
"The officers told him several times to get back in the vehicle, but he did not listen," Davidson said. "Mr. Reed then squared up with an officer by bringing his fists up."
Officers tackled Reed and cuffed him at the scene, Davidson said.
"He smelled of a strong odor of alcohol and appeared to be intoxicated," Davidson said.
1. Everyone knows that you take a piss in the back alley. Are you kidding Matt? Was that your first time peeing in public? You can even go straight Dumb and Dumber style and piss into a bottle in your white SUV.
2. You took the last person on the Steelers roster that I would want to back me up at a bar or intimidate some cops. Good lord, from all the intimidating sons-of-bitches on that team, your back up is Quadzilla? Take Sepulveda, that guy is freaking built. He also does this:
(He's the punter people.)
3. You were parting with Jeff Reed. Let's just take a look at a collection of photos relating to the parting habits of Jeff Reed:
Alright, here's Zilla at the bar, no big deal. It's probably just really hot in there...you can probably tell by the profuse amount of sweat rolling off that bitches face.
Okay, wearing a shirt. Good start. Hanging out with more skanky blondes, understandable. These girls look smart though, like strippers who only turn tricks until they get into law school smart.
Well, I see nothing as changed in regards to whom you hang out with. Oh look, disgustingly sweaty bitch has brought over her "we're not just doing this to get our pictures in the paper" friends. Again, a mentally sharp looking crew. I also think you being on DrunkAthlete.com is a bit of a stretch. Maybe DrunkKicker.com, but definitely not DrunkAthlete.com.
That is a pretty freaking sweet Pauley Shore impression though...I'll give you that.
No, seriously Pauley, someone is trying to impersonate you. Congratulations, you've made it as a star.
Here he is apparently rocking out a barn. Check the wall behind him, that's definitely plywood. At least he's making up with the poor choice in venue with an excellent choice in pose...showing the number of fieldgoals he's gonna miss in two games...classic. Luckily he was off by one.
Now the bastard's just cock-blocking.
Seriously Spaeth, this guy was your choice? Dumbass. I bet that nobody knows that Zilla was originally a muppet.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Cincinnati v Houston
The Bengals don't blow as much ass as I have always thought. Bungles.
Detroit v Green Bay
Larry Foote is a whining bitch. He slips on his tears all day on the way to another dominating six tackle day. MVP anyone? Green Bay.
Baltimore v Minnesota
Here is a good matchup. Not sure which way to go on this one. I'll support the AFC north and go Baltimore because Brett Favre is a whore.
New Orleans v New York Giants
I'm taking Drew Brees until he proves me wrong. Saints.
Carolina v Tampa Bay
As much as I've always hated Jon Gruden, the Bucs are worse without him. Carolina.
Kansas City v Washington
I'm taking the Chiefs in what really should not be considered an upset. Washington blows, K-City rolls.
St Louis v Jacksonville
Good day to be a Jaguar fan. Unfortunately, there aren't any. I'll pick them regardless.
Arizona v Seattle
I'll take Arizona to win. Why? Not sure. I don't really care what happens in the NFC West, along with the rest of the planet.
Philadelphia v Oakland
The pride of New Jersey rolls again. Philly.
Tennesse v New England
Patriots fans are the most fair weather fans I've ever met. Can't wait until the playoffs when they are one and done, if they make it at all. However, I can't pick the Titans with a straight face. Pats.
Buffalo v New York Jets
After the serious egg Buffalo laid against the Bottomfeeders, I don't think I'll ever pick them to win again. Jets.
Chicago v Atlanta
I am still pissed at Quadzilla. Atlanta.
San Diego v Denver
I'll take Denver. Their defense looked good against the Patriots, and Kyle Orton will be able to move the ball on the Chargers.
Cleveland v Pittsburgh
Come on now. Seriously.
Aaron Smith has been put on injured reserve and is now lost for the season. As a reactionary move the Steelers have signed Ra'Shon Harris to the team. You may remember him as a low round draft pick who didn't make the team this season. First round pick Ziggy Hood is sure to see an increase in playing time along with defensive ends Nick Eason and Travis Kirschke. Kirschke is not a bad backup as he's been splitting time with Smith for the last two seasons. Zig should look pretty good today...against the Bottomfeeders.
Yeah, he's back! Now it's time for the 4th best defense in the league to step it up a notch. The return of Troy will make up for the loss of Aaron Smith...I hope. Anyway, against the Cleveland Bottomfeeders the Steelers could start the roster for the Pittsburgh Passion. It would still be a blowout, those ladies are tough. Much tougher than doctor Brady Quinn, medicine woman.
Also back this week is Willie Parker. If the Steelers don't start Rashard Mendenhall regardless of Parker's return, I may blow up the Clemente bridge. Mendenhall has shown some serious skill the past two weeks, and to bench him now that he's going up against arguably the worst team in the history of ANY sport, well that's just silly. Parker seems to be the only one who doesn't see the writing on the wall. CONTRACT YEAR, Willie, CONTRACT YEAR.
After last weeks victory against the Lions, there was really only ONE person who deserved the Gaper Award. Hello Larry Foote.
Foote was caught saying that he was going to make the Steelers "Sorry for what happened." Really Larry? Well, how did he do you might wonder? Six tackles. Ouch Larry, you were right, we are sorry. It really was just "the politics of the game" that sent you out of Pittsburgh. After all, there was Lawrence Timmons, a first round pick, sitting on the bench. Obviously the coaching staff was going to play him, whether or not he was better than you, Larry. How did Timmons fair against your team? Five tackles...and a sack. Oh, maybe he will be better than you. Bitch.
Now on to the grand finale. A preview of today's game against the bitchboys of the NFL. Last week we witnessed a solid victory against a substandard opponent. Do not expect that trend to change today. Cleveland is a pathetic 1-4, and only won last week because the Bills played possibly the worst game I've ever seen in my entire life. (Correction, I didn't actually watch the game. I would have rather ripped my eyes out with a spork.) Cleveland has two quarterbacks, both of whom are not worth a shit. They just traded away their star receiver to the Jets, probably for nothing more than a couple of Bon Jovi tickets. Needless to say I don't expect a hard fought victory today, but more a complete domination from start to finish. I can't wait.
Cleveland will lose, and lose big.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Here we go.
Cincinnati v Baltimore
The only reason Cincy beat Pittsburgh was the poor showing of Quadzilla. Baltimore rolls.
Cleveland v Buffalo
Seriously, I'm gonna pick Cleveland to lose on their bye week. Buffalo sucks less in this contest of futility.
Washington v Carolina
PANTHERS baby! Washington is looking like solid shit.
Dallas v Kansas City
Wow, is this game going to be non-competitive. Dallas.
Oakland v New York Giants
Wow, is this game going to be non-competitive. Dallas. Oops, deja vu. Giants.
Tampa Bay v Philadelphia
I'm taking the pride of New Jersey, Philadelphia.
Minnesota v St. Louis
Does the schedule get any better for the Rams? Minnesota.
Atlanta v San Francisco
Let's hope Matt Ryan doesn't choke like he did against the Pats. Atlanta.
Houston v Arizona
Here is a possible shootout. I'm taking Arizona because I have Kurt Warner on my fantasy team and it's about time he stops sucking so much ass.
New England v Denver
I'll take Denver in the upset because Bellichick is Satan.
Jacksonville v Seattle
Here is a game that would never sell out. Wow, east coast versus west coast, and nobody anywhere gives a shit. Flipped a coin, Jacksonville.
Indianapolis v Tennessee
How's that karma Titans? Indy.
New York Jets v Miami
J E T S JETS JETS JETS!
Pittsburgh v Detroit
Come on now. Pittsburgh wins BIG. Larry Foote cries like a bitch.
Friday, October 9, 2009
DAMN, the "less-offensive" line looked good against San Diego. Also, how about the play of Rashard Mendenhall? Anyone who watches the games with me knows that I've been pulling for more playing time for him all season. Let RM start and this is what happens, 29 rushes for 165 yards and two touchdowns. He led the league in rushing last week. Expect to see a similar result this week as Parker is in no hurry to get his ass back on the field. I believe I called out this scenario with the very first post of this blog. Parker better realize soon that while he has been the starting runningback in Pittsburgh for the last couple of years, if Mendenhall continues playing at the level his is, Parker is GONE.
By the way, I wrote that entire last bit while listening to this:
Now, I would like to thank the Cleveland Browns for giving me someone to give the coveted Big Gaper award to this week. This week Browns "star" wide receiver Braylon Edwards was in the news for being investigated for punching out some club owner. This owner just happens to be a close, personal friend of LeBron James. You can probably guess then, that Edwards was in deep shit. Well, the "city" of Cleveland did Edwards a HUGE favor by trading him to the New York Jets. If I were Edwards, I would have punched out everyone in the "city" a long time ago just to see where it got me. Edwards does not get the McNulty Award though. I am giving that award to the cesspool currently known as Cleveland.
As a final aside I would like to point out that StillerJack is freaking dominating with his picks this year. He didn't get his picks in on time for week one, but since week two he is 33-13. This not even two-year-old knows his shit. Impressive.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Detroit v Chicago
THEY WON A GAME!!!!! BUT, they lose to da Bears.
Cincinnati v Cleveland
Cincinnati. I think I'm going to pick Cleveland to lose on their bye week. An entire city of losers. Come on LeBron, move to NY so I can be a fan!
Oakland v Houston
JaMarcus Russell is easily the worst starting quarterback in the league. This is what Al Davis deserves. Houston.
Seattle v Indianapolis
Peyton singlehandedly destroyed the Cardinals last week. Seattle wore possibly the worlds ugliest uniforms last week. People in Seattle are whinning bitches...Indianapolis.
Tennessee v Jacksonville
Tennessee is 0-3. Hey that rhymes! Tennessee will be 1-3...also a rhyme, no big deal.
New York Giants v Kansas City
What a joke. Giants win and Jacobs runs for 1000 yards in the game.
Baltimore v New England
Here is a good game that I'm definitely going to watch. I'm taking Baltimore and sticking it to everyone up here in Beantown.
Tampa Bay v Washington
Flipped a coin. Washington.
Buffalo v Miami
Buffalo blows so much ass. Here is a guarantee. In the next eight years they will be known as the Toronto Bills. Miami.
New York Jets v New Orleans
Two 3-0 teams. Leagues top offense vs the top defense. I'm going with New Orleans because they are at home.
Dallas v Denver
How the hell is Denver 3-0? That ends. Dallas.
St. Louis v San Fransisco
Wow, St. Louis sucks. San Francisco
Green Bay v Minnesota
Here is a game with way too much hype. Brett Favre wins, all teams lose. Minnesota.
San Diego v Pittsburgh
Here we go Steelers, here we go! Time to get back on track.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Here are a few thoughts on the most recent loss:
1. StillerJack is getting pissed that for two weeks in a row the Steelers have burned his pick record. (Which now stands at 22-10 after two weeks.)
2. Mike Wallace is good. I hate to brag, but I believe I called this one. In fact, Mike Wallace is doing so well, the Steelers should explore the athletic prowess of the rest of the 60 Minutes cast. It would probably look something like this:
Morely Safer: Born November 8, 1931 in Toronto.
Morely measures up at 6'6", 295 lbs, and runs the 40 yd. dash in 4.8 seconds. During college he won an "Young Abe Vigoda" look alike contest. Morley would be the perfect anchor to a struggling Pittsburgh "offensive"line, as he can play both right and left tackle.
Steve Kroft: Born August 22, 1945 in Kokomo, Indiana.
At 6'1" and 235 lbs. Kroft is the prototypical size for a power runningback. His running style is similar to Brandon Jacobs of the New York Giants, with one exception, flat out speed. Kroft was timed in the 40 yard dash at 4.3 seconds, and recently beat Willie Parker in a speed-hopscotch competition. In keeping with nickname forms, i.e. "The Bus" and "Frank the Tank", Kroft's nickname would most likely be "Kadillac Kroft".
Lesley Stahl: Born December 16, 1941 (1941-12-16) in Lynn, Massachusetts.
Lesley was born without any toes on her right foot, making it the perfect stub for field goal kicking. During college Lesley's career long field goal was 106 yards, and her lifetime kicking record stands at 1,576 attempts and 1,575 successful kicks. (One ball was stuck by lightning in mid-air. The kick was still on track to make it through the posts, until it was attacked by terrorists.) She is also Jordan's mom.
Bob Simon: Born May 29, 1941 in the Bronx, New York.
Unfortunately Bob Simon, albeit possessing amazing athletic prowess, would not be a good fit in the Pittsburgh system. He is currently serving a two year jail sentence for concealing a handgun in the waistband of his sweatpants at a dog fighting ring. He is known to share a cell with Plaxico Burress.
Scott Pelley: Born July 28, 1957 in San Antonio Texas.
Hailing from the same state as "Big Snack", "Short Stack" measures in at 5'8" and 186 lbs. Pelley owns every NCAA receiver record of consequence, and once played an entire college team by himself and won 21-18. Pelley and Wallace would form the most dominating WR corps in league history.
Andy Rooney: Born January 14, 1919 in Albany New York.
Andy Rooney would force his way onto the coaching staff, using his part-ownership status as leverage. However, once installing himself as the new "offensive"line coach, would easily rival the accomplishments of Russ Grim...especially with his star lineman Morely Safer.
3. Willie Parker is looking better. Parker ran the ball 25 times for 97 yards, a 3.7 yard average. He also reeled in a pass for a touchdown. He doesn't seem to be dancing around in the backfield as much, and will wait for the hole to open up in the defense.
4. Rashard Mendenhall is looking invisible. Mendenhall was not permitted to play on the offense for the Bengals game. Tomlin accredited that to Mendenhall not being properly prepared to play...as in having poor practices. Rashard had better shore up his practice regime, because being a first round pick, the expectations are high for him. (Expectations that he has yet to live up to.)
5. Someone give Quadzilla selective amnesia please. Three misses in two games is ridiculous. If he starts pulling extra points, I'm going to hit him with a paper towel dispenser.
6. The defense NEEDS TROY. There is light on the horizon though. After practice today, which showed Polomalu running on his knee, Troy said "I really felt well." He probably won't see the field this week. However, he could be back in time to face the venerable Lions in two weeks.
7. Short yardage is still woeful. Now Frank "The Tank" is out for the season. Here comes Carey Davis to the rescue...chuckle. Maybe more draw plays with three or four receiver sets are called for to spread the defense out. That could open running room for Parker and Mendenhall (if he ever gets on the field.)
8. Limas Sweed is playing like dogshit. Thank you Limas, for voluntarily giving your spot on the field to Iron Mike Wallace. Catch the ball, shitbag.
Sweet grill, tool.
Check back Friday morning when StillerJack makes his picks for the week.
Friday, September 25, 2009
James Haslam III
The Paul Family
The Varischetti Family
The Paul Sams family
I would like to take the time and point out the luckiest people alive. See list above. Also, appreciate the monster load of class displayed by Pat Rooney, "I'm satisfied. I'm not pleased I'm going to be out of it. Those are two different things. It was the proper thing to do and a necessary thing to do from a business standpoint as well as a personal standpoint." Now, if you see Pat as a money hungry whore, read on. "There is absolutely no way that this could have gone into the next generation with all of the people involved," Pat Rooney said. "It would have been impossible to handle regardless of who was sitting in the chair of the Pittsburgh Steelers." He sold to keep it in the family. Thank you Pat Rooney, you have proven that, once again, the Rooney family is all class. (Jerry Jones, take note on what class is...you assclown.)
I was 12-4 last week. Eat that.
Alright bitches...week three picks are in. As per my boasting last week, you have the opportunity to submit your own if you want, but face it, you can't beat me. Without further adieu...
Cleveland v Baltimore
Drew Carey was full of shit. Baltimore.
Washington v Detroit
How the hell does Washington get to play St Louis and Detroit back to back? Whatever, Washington wins back to back.
Jacksonville v Houston
I picked against Houston last week, and Matt Schaub took a dump on my face for my efforts. Houston
Atlanta v New England
Even with a Steelers loss last week, I had a smile on my face thanks to the J...E...T...S JETS JETS JETS!! New England's defense is shitty. Wes Welker is back, but Brady sucks. Atlanta wins.
Green Bay v St. Louis
I like to think of St. Louis as a haven for those who don't want to lose two games in a row. Aaron Rodgers will learn that in about 10 seconds. Green Bay.
New York Giants v Tampa Bay
I've got Brandon Jacobs on my fantasy team. Thank goodness, Jacobs runs wild. Giants.
Tennessee v New York Jets
J...E...T...S JETS JETS JETS!!
Kansas City v Philadelphia
Mike Vick is back...dogs beware. Philadelphia goes back home to New Jersey with a win this week.
San Francisco v Minnesota
I hate the NFC West, and I know I'm not alone. Brett Favre is a media whore, however, Minnesota.
New Orleans v Buffalo
Until the Saints are held below 200 points per minute I'll pick against them. Until then, Buffalo sucks. New Orleans.
Chicago v Seattle
I hate Jeff Reed. Chicago.
Denver v Oakland
Hey Josh McDaniels, how's life without Jay Cutler? Bitch. Oakland.
Miami v San Diego
Actually, this is a tough one to pick. I'll take San Diego because surely Miami can't hold the ball for 38 minutes like they did against the Colts. What, they ran for over 300 yards and lost that game? Wow, that's shitty. Karma's a bitch, I'll take Miami.
Indianapolis v Arizona
I'll be surprised if the score isn't 205-602 by the end of the first half. Peyton Manning is no David Garrard, the Colts to win.
Carolina v Dallas
Hey Jerry, how about that grand opening to your billion dollar stadium? What? Money can't buy a winning team? (Well, not in the NFL. Ask the Red Sox-Yankees what it's like.) But, I'll still take America's Assclowns to win this week. Dallas.
Pittsburgh v Cincinnati
Come on "offensive" line, let's get that running game going. Pittsburgh.
Monday, September 21, 2009
ATLANTA - Carolina
MINNESOTA - Detroit
Cincinnati - GREEN BAY
ARIZONA - Jacksonville
Oakland - KANSAS CITY
New England - NEW YORK JETS
NEW ORLEANS - Philadelphia
Houston - TENNESSEE
St. Louis - WASHINGTON
Seattle - SAN FRANCISCO
DENVER - Cleveland
BALTIMORE - San Diego
NEW YORK GIANTS - Dallas
PITTSBURGH - Chicago
INDIANAPOLIS - Miami (Plays tonight)
With only one game left this week, I am 11-4 for my picks in week one. Read what I said too, because I was right on the quality of the wins and the games. I'm awesome. You don't get a shirt like mine for being a football knowledge dicktard. My picks owned this week. I'm throwing down right now people. I'll post my picks early Friday morning, and all you people can post yours in the comment section. Come the following Tuesday, I'll throw mad acclaim to the overall winner, but I KNOW it'll just be me anyway.
I don't have to tell anybody, but to meet the extremely high journalistic standards I hold this site to, I will report that Quadzilla was 0-2 on field goals longer than 24 inches on Sunday. This is what 'Zilla had to say after the complete bullshit loss,
"There's no excuse," said Quad, who insisted he did not slip on the soggy field. "I missed two kicks and basically what it was, I was trying too hard on both of them. That's what happens to a right-footed kicker -- you hook them. I'm just embarrassed because these guys fought their tail off to win the game. If there's one player who can single-handedly lose a game, I'll take credit for it." Zilla was going to be the recipient of the weekly McNulty Gaper award, but he manned up and showed that he's got them swinging downstairs with his post-game quotes. You could blame Sepulveda for shitty holds, but Dan kept the laces out. (Luckily, because Reed doesn't have too far to go to be a cross dressing psychotic.)
In good news, the Steelers running offense looked vastly improved from last week. That improvement has to do with the quality of the defense they were facing (An Urlacher-less Bears D doesn't quite equal Tennessee), but also to an improved "less-offensive" line. They provided quality holes for Parker (47 yards) and Mendenhall (39 yards), but the primary motivation of the offense was the passing game this week. Roethlisberger threw for 221 yards on 23 of 35 attempts, one passing touchdown, and ran another in for a score. Ben looked good, Holmes looked like dogshit.
That brings us to the much awaited and heralded Gaper of the Week Award. Congratulations Santonio Holmes, for dropping every damn ball that came your freaking way.
Friday, September 18, 2009
StillerJack has a lifetime career pick record of 0-0
Carolina vs. Atlanta
I like Atlanta because Jake "Not my Del-homie" is sucking worse than (insert any Cleveland quarterback EVER). Atlanta wins.
Minnesota vs. Detroit
Minnesota by 20 points, or, two more points than the number of season ticket holders in Detroit. Whichever comes first.
Cincinnati vs. Green Bay
Green Bay. See quarterback comment above, and apply to Carson Palmer. Also, Ohio sucks.
Arizona vs. Jacksonville
Arizona wins in proportion to the strength of Kurt Warner's Viagra. Hey, I don't blame him...his wife is hot. You know, for her age. I obviously like older women.
Oakland vs. Kansas City
Kansas City. I flipped a coin. The winner was Kansas City, but is there any real winner in this match up, fans included?
New England vs. New York Jets
I'll take the Jets in the upset because Bill Belichick is THE DEVIL. I had a guy in Boston tell me that I was a terrorist because I wasn't a "Patriots" fan. I said, "No sir, I'm not a "Patriots" fan because I know something about football. Something you, being a dicktard, clearly don't."
New Orleans vs. Philadelphia
New Orleans wins because McNabb is hurt again. I'm surprised it took almost the whole first game for McNabb to get hurt. At least he's still alive. Drew Brees, the best QB since Ben Roethlisberger, is going to embarrass the entire city of Philadelphia, New Jersey.
Houston vs. Tennessee
The Houston Oilers...no wait...the Tennessee Oilers...no...the Tennessee Titans win because the Houston Texans will never win more than 8 games in a season. They just got crushed by the New York Jets, and face an even tougher defense in the Titans. Houston, you have a problem. (Couldn't resist.)
St. Louis vs. Washington
File this game under extremely non-competitive. Washington wins before the opening kickoff.
Tampa Bay vs. Buffalo
I'll take Buffalo, for no reason other than pity.
Seattle vs. San Fransisco
Here's a game nobody east of Idaho will give a shit about. Hey, magic eight ball, will Seattle win this game? "Out look points to who gives a damn." Well eight ball, you got that right. I'll take San Fransisco to win because they don't cry about superbowl loses FOUR YEARS LATER!!
Cleveland vs. Denver
Are you kidding? I'd pick a morgue to beat Cleveland.
Baltimore vs. San Diego
It's gonna be Baltimore in another offensive shootout. I like the way their defense played against the Chiefs. Spoke well of the Steelers chances of rocking the division. Eat that shit ESPN!
New York Giants vs. Dallas
Jerry Jones is an assclown. I'll take the Giants.
Indianapolis vs. Miami
Peyton over Pennington any day of the week. (Unless that day happens to fall on shomer shabbos. YOU DON'T FUCKING ROLL ON SHOMER SHABBOS!!)
Pittsburgh vs. Chicago
Wait...did da Bears field an entire team of vicious, man eating, mini Ditkas? What? No Ditka? Not at all? I'll take da Bears to lose a close one at home.
There you have it everyone. Take those picks to the bank.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Jerome Bettis, you may remember him, writes a weekly article for Sports Illustrated. This is a little of what he had to say, “I don’t think they’ve reached a panic situation yet because the Titans don’t allow anyone to run the football on them,” Bettis wrote. “But there are serious problems. Willie Parker: I haven’t seen much from him. Rashard Mendenhall: I haven’t really seen him, period. ... The running back I like least on the team is Frank Summers, the rookie fullback. He doesn’t seem to understand what’s going on. He’s missing plenty of blocks and that’s affecting everything. This definitely has to be addressed off the field this week.”
Summers is a fifth-round draft pick from UNLV who was outplayed during training camp and in the exhibition games by non-drafted rookie Isaac Redman, who is currently on the practice squad. Summers did not have any carries against Tennessee.
What Bettis said is basically true. The Steelers faced one of the tougher defenses against the run that they will see all year. (Obvious exceptions are Minnesota and Baltimore) For the majority of the game the Titans employed eight men at the line of scrimmage, and even without perennial probowl tackle Albert Haynesworth, proved to be able to stymie the Steelers run offense again and again. The Titans eight man front was a big reason why the Steelers pass offense was so prolific.
Pittsburgh switched to more three and four receiver formations to try and open up some running lanes for Parker. That probably would have worked had it not been for the plethora of missed blocks by fullback Frank Summers, and the lack of confidence Parker had in the line. As a veteran runningback, Parker knows that if he waits just a fraction of a second, a hole will open up in the defense, or a cutback lane will open up. However, as soon as Parker touched the ball he was slamming into the line. Not all of that is his fault, because on plenty of occasions the defensive line caught Parker in the backfield. That fault would fall onto the "offensive" line.
Head coach Mike Tomlin said during his press conference after the game about the run offense,
“I believe particularly, in September football, people make a commitment to stopping the run,” said Tomlin. “It’s easier to make that commitment in September when everybody feels good and you have all the horses in the stable. I think over the course of the long haul, you see who’s good at it week in and week out. It’s usually tough sledding (running the ball) early in the football season, and that’s been my experience. That was my intent when I was a defensive play-caller. In order to be a good defense, it starts there, making people somewhat one-dimensional, making people struggle if they’re running the football.”
I'll say it again, iced tea gets cooler when it is placed in Mike Tomlin's hand.
Here are some things that should be pointed out:
1. The pass protection was terrific. Sure Roethlisberger was sacked four times on 43 attempts, but everybody in Pittsburgh knows that his sack numbers are elevated because he holds the ball for at least 35 minutes on every pass play.
2. Sunday the Steelers square off against a Bears team that has just lost their star linebacker in Brian Urlacher for the season. That's bad news for da Bears considering the defense was already aging and is said to have lost a step.
3. The play of Tyrone Carter was serviceable in place of all-universe strong safety Troy Polamalu. Tennessee QB Kerry Collins (GO PENN STATE!!) had more success in the passing game during the second half when Polamalu was sidelined, but don't expect the same result in Chicago. With the possible debut of full-time starter Lawrence Timmons, LeBeau will have another playmaker on the field to scheme around. Additionally, expect Carter to employ The Crane, as shown, more effectively.
That's all for now. Be sure to check back on Friday when StillerJack makes his official pick for the game.
Monday, September 14, 2009
It was a traditional Steelers game with the "offensive" line performing at an extremely high level, for a little-league baseball team. How does this stat line sound...Willie Parker - 19 yards on 13 carries. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING!?! That's a 1.5 yard average. Parker could trip every time he got the ball and still have a higher average than that. DISGUSTING. Here's an idea on how to save some money towards the salary cap: can the entire "offensive" line. Throw their pathetic asses right out of Pittsburgh. Just have the long snapper hike the ball to Ben each play, and he'll run around for awhile, then hit Holmes for a ten yard gain.
However, it's not all the line's fault. Someone should tell Bruce Arians that Willie Parker IS NOT Jerome Bettis. Stop trying to run him up the middle every play. There is not a decent fullback on the roster, so you can't have a power running game with a singleback look, especially when that single back is a scatback like Parker. It's a good think Arians has a good rapport with Roethlisberger, or his ass would be outta here!
Alright, enough bashing. Steelers win, and my friend's wife goes un-smacked for one more week. Let's talk about how the Titans are nothing but big, gaping vaginas. In fact, I'm going to start a weekly award...Andrea McNulty's Big Gaper of the Week Award...the recipient this week is Titans' TE Bo Scaife.
Scaife's world got rocked by James Harrison when Scaife caught a pass and attempted to get a first down. Unfortunately, James Harrison was also on the field. (You should know the inevitable outcome.) Scaife was quoted after the game crying like a bitch, "I have been playing my whole life and no one has ever hit me like that. So I know when it is real and when it is not real. So it was a cheap shot and I don't care if that gets back to him either." Scaife was probably quoted later when he wailed, "I mean, why does he have to hit so hard? All I wanted to do was get a first down, and Harrison hit me hard! Are they allowed to do that? Are they allowed to hit hard? Can't we just be friends? This interview's over, I've gotta call my life partner." -BITCH- If I was Scaife I would be worried if his comments "got back" to Harrison. Scaife, if you see any of the following forms of James Harrison near you, run like the bitch you are.
Runners up for the Gaper Award this week were:
Nate Washington - Quoted as saying, "The Steelers didn't win, we lost." Nate, that's the same thing, moron.
Chris Johnson - Quoted as saying, ""We couldn't finish. We gave them the game...I know the better team didn't win." Strong showing for biggest bitch on the team.
LenDale White - This guy is just a douche bag.
StillersBlog's brand new mascot, StillerJack, was quoted after the game saying, "The Titans suck my nuts. I've got more class in this diaper than they have on their roster. If I ever see LenDale White in person, I'll teabag that punk-ass bitch." Strong words kid.
More postgame fallout later this week including a review of Polamalu's injury. Steelers rock...1-0. Cleveland sucks.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
10. The Browns will continue to toss the salad of the NFL. No fanbase in the history of the NFL is as delusional as the Cleveland Browns'. I used to talk to some of these morons, and somehow the conversation was always drawn to the Browns dominance in the pre-Superbowl era. Alright, they dominated the league when there was one good quarterback and runningback, and they had them both. Now what? Cleveland will soon be the only franchise to enjoy the prestige of never being associated with the Superbowl. That would be either playing in it, or hosting it. If they win 6 games this year I'll change my opinion of Brady Quinn, and start believing he is straight.
9. The defense will not lose a step this year. Despite the humongous turnover on the defense...oh wait, one part-time starter, they will manage to somehow remain dominant. Hell, not counting Cincinnatti, Pittsburgh could start the scout team offense as their defense and still dominate the division.
8. The "offensive" line will be better this season. I say this partly out of hope and partly because I believe another year of continuity is just was the doctor ordered. Over the years I've come to completely trust in Kevin Colbert, and all the crazy shit he does...like not resigning Joey Porter but instead promoting James Harrison, saying goodbye to Chris Hope and hello to Ryan Clark, and bringing in Mewelde Moore (although I'm sure Tomlin had a big hand in that). I just wish Russ Grimm was still here. He would have whipped those "inglorious basterds" into shape by now. On the plus side, they couldn't get much worse this season.
7. Everyone will see what kind of toolbags work at ESPN this year. The Steelers are defending Superbowl champions with a great shot at repeating and what is the headline at ESPN? Whether or not Tom Brady will thrown 10 bazillion touchdowns this year. This is the NFL version of the Brady Bunch:
6. Cleveland still sucks.
5. Rashard Mendenhall will be a beast this year. If it wasn't for Ray Lewis twisting him around for a "Raven Ass-Raping" last year, Mendenhall would have had a breakout year. Well, RayRay's boy lust has only pushed back the timetable one year. Look for Mendenhall to supplant Parker as the starting back this season.
4. Sweed will also breakout this year. If the line is as poor as last year, the offense will be forced into a lot of third and longs. With two Superbowl MVP's as their starting wideouts, that leaves a gap for a third receiver to do some damage. Ask Nate Washington what it is like to ride the coattails of two great receivers and parlay that into a big payday. Don't even get me started with the shit he's saying now, just look it up later. Sweed would probably have supplanted him this year anyway. Limas will be everything to Pittsburgh that Burress was to the Giants, but without the overwhelming stupidity.
3. Timmons will destroy all that get's in his path. I mean, just took at what the hell he is doing the picture below. Do you know what those steel containers are filled with? All the hopes and dreams of envious linebackers in the NFL who don't play for the Steelers. They know they're pussies, and Timmons could kill them with his thoughts. Personally, I didn't like him as a first round pick last year, but as usual, Kevin Colbert told me to shut the hell up. You know what, Kevin was right again.
2. Ben Roethlisberger will make the Pro bowl. This isn't the usual drive for someone in Pittsburgh, because team success always comes first. However, Ben is going to have an immaculate season behind center this year. I'm calling for 30+ touchdowns.
1. Finally, the Steelers will repeat. With the fourth easiest schedule in the NFL, Pittsburgh will cruise to a division championship, and possibly end up hosting the Conference Championship again. What a year. Soon Steeler Nation will have to come up with some other catchy saying like one for the big toe or something, because the will be out of fingers. (And Cleveland will never win a championship.)