Thursday, September 22, 2011

Bring on the Colts

Usually when the Steelers play the Colts I'll sit on the edge of my bar stool expecting a 2,000 yard pass from Manning to [insert receiver who just torched the dismal secondary] on every play.  This year?  Not so much.  The Indianapolis Colts without Peyton Manning is about as frightening as this:

  (This pussy has a healthier neck than Peyton Manning)

So, I'll definitely be getting what I like to call "Steelers Trashed" this Sunday afternoon in preparation for the prime time game.  So, before I begin my weekend preparations, I thought I'd take the time to outline what I believe the Stillers need to do to win this weekend.

1.  Run the ball.
This is paramount.  111 yards after two games?  Even Mendenhall knows that that is not nearly good enough.  But it doesn't end with Mendenhall.  Maybe Tomlin should give Isaac Redman some more touches.  He's looked excellent in the first two games when spelling Mendenhall.  The Steelers need to control the clock to keep their old, and completely washed up defense (right Sapp?  Idiot.) fresh for the entire game.

2.  Protect Roethlisberger.
Obvious.  With a prima donna act last week that even that stupid fuck Terry Bradshaw would be proud of, Ben reminded the "offensive" line that they played offensively in the second half...and they did.  I understand it was difficult for Foster and Gilbert to adjust to starting roles that were not theirs to start the week, but this week is going to be more difficult.  Robert Mathis and Dwight "Schrute" Freeney are perennial pro bowlers.  If I were Arians I would run more draw plays up the middle and more halfback screens because let's face it, the "offensive" line is not going to stop those two from hitting Ben.

3.  Cover one receiver and one tightend.
That's it.  Stop Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark from running routes.  Pierre Garcon, Austin Collie, Anthony Gonzalez, etc., are really not that dangerous without Peyton Manning.  Wayne has 100 more receiving yards than anyone else on the team, and ranked second is Clark.  Bump and run coverage would be key, as Wayne is more of a downfield receiver, and that's how you stop tightends anyway.  Hit them.  I would like to see Ike Taylor use that club hand to bitchslap Wayne on the first play of the game.  Set the tone Taylor.

4.  Use Cam Heyward.
Ziggy Hood is starting in place of Beardzilla, so use Heyward to spell Smith as often as possible.  The Colts are terrible at running the ball, give the young guy some game time.  

5.  Get intimidating.
  Enough said.

I'm sure there are other things that they can do, but I don't want to sit here and type for 12 hours.  On a side note, I think Peyton Manning should win a Posthumous NFL MVP Award.  Even the Patriots did well without Tom Brady a couple of years ago thanks to Matt Cassel.  The Colts' showing in the past two weeks is the biggest indication that no player means as much to their team as Manning does to the Colts.  With all of the neck surgeries, he may not be back this season.  On the plus side, he just acquired an amazing doppelganger.

Even their wives cannot tell them apart.

-Cleveland Sucks-

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I Guess Warren Sapp Can Shut the Hell Up

I've never liked Warren Sapp.  I have always found him to be obnoxious, overbearing, and drastically misinformed for a football "analyst".  When he played, sure he was a good tackle for about a year, but he could never keep is gaping mouth shut.  Always getting in fights with a good commissioner, man I miss Paul Tagliabue, fighting on the field, fighting with the other team during warmups, and I'm pretty sure he even picked a fight with Christopher Reeves after the horse.  

Well Warren, enjoy your foot, assbag.  This dickpickle lambasted the Steelers' defense after their embarrassing loss to the Ravens for being too old and slow.  A 24-0 victory over the piss poor Seahawks is enough to shut even his mouth...if only for a week, or a day, or even one fucking hour would be sweet.

Whatever happened to commentary that was based on facts and solid analysis?  Now you turn on ESPN, or the NFL Network, or read Sports Illustrated, and they are all flooded with idiots like Sapp.  Former players who can't let the spotlight go, but are quite unsuited for their current position.  I blame the likes of  Dan Marino, Phil Simms, Chris Collinsworth, etc. because they are former players who are actually good commentators.  They actually watch game tapes, talk to players, and it shows in their work.  Warren Sapp?  Not so much.  He just talks, and talks, and talks, until the point where I want to punch him right in his dickhole.

Sapp was probably just pissed that Heinz Ward won Dancing with the Stars, and Sapp is just a fuck.
-Cleveland Sucks-


Monday, September 12, 2011

John Harbaugh is a Classless Piece of Dog Shit


There are only two possible things that could have stirred me from my post-Super Bowl literary coma, and those things are:

1. The Steelers losing 35 to 7 on opening day
2. A display of ass-holery unparalleled in the annals of football lore

We all know where this is going.

Yes, the Steelers put forth one of the worst efforts I've ever seen, from them anyway. It would make sense that the Postmaster General was in attendance with the way the Steelers mailed that one in. Zing.

The defense looked terrible, and was constantly gashed for yardage. The defensive line was smacked around harder than a paper towel dispenser. Bryant McFadden was victimized. That's the only word for it. He should fill out a police report, he was abused. In fact, the entire defense needs to go to the police station and fill out a hit and run report. They got run the fuck over.

It is possible that everyone was weighted down by huge sacks of money after the Steelers JUST GOT DONE PAYING EVERYONE BIG DAMN CONTRACTS. Maybe a refund is in order.

-Not that I'm bitter. If I get a raise and completely phone in 1/16th of the work year, my ass is fired. Just kidding, I don't work.-

The offense looked equally as horrific. The ol'Arians appeared for a good stretch. You can tell when you can easily predict the next play. Here's a hint...run...run...pass...punt. Not that Mendenhall could run anywhere. Nor could Rothlisberger complete a pass to his own damn receivers. Seven turnovers. Tastes like yesterday's vomit is in my mouth.

But hey, at least the Steelers aren't the classless Raven fucks. Two point conversions when up by three touchdowns, throwing thirty yard bombs with the game clearly in hand, going for it on fourth down when you could instead make a thirty yard field goal. Football karma is going to slap you in the face hard, John Harbaugh.

It must suck to be John Harbaugh. Think about it. He goes through his entire life and is completely overshadowed by his brother...and rightfully so. A life of being second banana certainly can explain why John Harbaugh is a classless piece of dog shit. Let's compare the pile of dog shit John with his brother Jim.

College football career (from their respective Wikipedia pages):

Jim:

Harbaugh played for the junior league Ann Arbor Packers, then for Tappan Junior High, going on to Pioneer High School and then toPalo Alto High School in California, where he graduated in the class of 1982.[3] He was a four-year letterman at the University of Michigan and finished his college career in the top five in passing attempts, completions, completion percentage, passing yards, and touchdown passes in school history. Playing for Michigan coach Bo Schembechler, he was a three-year starter, though he broke his arm five games into the 1984 season and sat out the remainder the year. As a junior in 1985, Harbaugh led the nation in passing efficiency and quarterbacked one of Schembechler's best teams. The 1985 team posted a 10–1–1 record, defeated Nebraska in the1986 Fiesta Bowl, and finished with a #2 ranking in the final polls, the highest finish for Michigan during Schembechler's tenure as head coach. As a senior in 1986, Harbaugh guided Michigan to an 11–2 record (which included his guaranteed victory over arch-rival Ohio State, which Michigan won, 26–24 in Columbus)[4] and a berth in the 1987 Rose Bowl while earning Big Ten Conference Player of the Year honors and finishing third in the Heisman balloting. Harbaugh was also named to the Big Ten's All-Academic team, as well as the 1986 AP and UPI All-American teams. He held the career NCAA Division I FBS passing efficiency rating record (325–399 completions) for 12 years.[5] He led the nation in efficiency in 1985.[6]

John:

Harbaugh graduated from Pioneer High School in Ann Arbor, Michigan, during which time his father, Jack, was an assistant under Bo Schembechler at the nearby University of Michigan. He played collegiate football for Miami University, where he was a defensive back. He wasn't very good. He was commonly seen with one thumb in his mouth, and one in his ass, crying for hours while repeating "I'm John. I'M JOHN!" He would also switch thumbs.

NFL Career

Jim:

Harbaugh entered the NFL as a first-round draft pick by the Chicago Bears in 1987. He played seven seasons for the Bears and passed for a career-high 3,121 yards with them in 1991.From 1994 to 1997, Harbaugh quarterbacked the Indianapolis Colts, and in 1995, achieved career highs in completion percentage (63.7) and touchdown passes (17). While with the Colts, during the 1995–96 NFL playoffs he led the team to the AFC Championship game and came within one dropped Hail Mary pass of taking the Colts to the Super Bowl for the first time since 1970. In 1995, he was voted to the Pro Bowl, was named Comeback Player of the Year and AFC Player of the Year, and was runner-up in the NFL MVP voting. With the Colts, Harbaugh completed 746 of 1,230 passes for 8,705 yards and 49 touchdowns and won the NFL passer rating title in 1995 with a rating of 100.7. In January 2005, Harbaugh was inducted into the Indianapolis Colts Ring of Honor as one of the most successful and popular players in the club's Indianapolis era.After a last-place 3–13 record in 1997, Harbaugh was traded to the Baltimore Ravens (based in the Colts' former home city of Baltimore, Maryland) to make room for 1st overall draft pickPeyton Manning. During the 1998 season, Harbaugh was the starter but would split playing time with eventual bust Eric Zeier. Then he played two years with the San Diego Chargers. In 1999 he led the Chargers to an 8–8 record, but in 2000 the Chargers finished with a 1–15 record behind Harbaugh and first-round bust Ryan Leaf. Harbaugh signed with the Detroit Lionsprior to the 2001 season, where he was expected to backup incumbent starter Charlie Batch. However, on the eve of the regular season, the Lions cut him and traded for Ty Detmer. Harbaugh then closed out his NFL career with the Carolina Panthers in 2001, where he dressed for 6 games but did not compile any statistics.For his NFL career, Harbaugh played in 177 league games with 140 starts. He completed 2,305 of 3,918 passes for 26,288 yards with 129 touchdowns. Particularly during his time with Indianapolis—such as when he led the Colts to come-from-behind wins over the Chiefs and Chargers in 1995–96 NFL playoffs and a near upset over the No. 2 AFC seed Steelers—he earned the nickname "Captain Comeback" (the second player to be so nicknamed after Roger Staubach) for his ability to win games in the fourth quarter after overcoming significant point deficits.

John:

John Harbaugh is the brother of the more impressive Jim Harbaugh. For Jim Harbaugh, see above. For John Harbaugh, check the "Brother of Someone Better than me Because I'm a Piece of Dog Shit" category where you can also find Charlie Murphy, any Baldwin not named Alec, Maggie and/or Jake Gyllenhaal, Donnie Wahlberg, Ben Affleck (Casey is much better), and Frank Stalone.

This is for you John:
Even if it's not true.

John Harbaugh can rot in Hell...but I guess that Baltimore is bad enough. I've seen The Wire. I know what Baltimore is like.