Let's Talk About the Pro Bowl

Just kidding!  Nobody gives a shit about the Pro Bowl...nobody.  Here is a gem from Kenny Mayne instead.

Steelers a Team of Criminals?

I just recently finished reading an article on ESPN.com, written by David Fleming, which paints the Steelers as the dirtiest franchise in sports.  The article can be found here:

Well composed pile of dog shit story.

David Fleming brought up some very good points, several of which I did not know about.  For example, the apparent widespread use of human growth hormone (HGH) in the Steelers' locker room in the 70's.  I can't defend the use of HGH, nor can anybody else confirm the validity of the accusations.  I would like to point out, however, at the time it was not illegal and nobody knew the long-range effects of the drugs.  (Imagine if in twenty years Gatorade is banned in the NFL for causing extreme anal fissures.)

The one part of the "article" that really got me to think was a section earlier in the piece where he called out the number of arrests for the Steelers since Super Bowl XL.  As this is really the only accusation which can be backed up with evidence, I've decided to look at the numbers myself.  Don't worry, I'm not going to pick an arbitrary starting point to alter the numbers and improve my case, Fleming.  I'll start at the year 2000 and count from there.  (Source is a database provided by the San Diego Union-Tribune.)

I'm an expert at repertoire and Excel.  Take a look:

What you see here is the number of arrests a football team has experienced (in blue) with the number of those cases which the charges were dropped (in red) since the year 2000.  What you may notice is that the blue bar for the Steelers hardly jumps out from the mean.  (Don't let David Fleming know this...it hurts his point.)  Further, the average number of arrests in this ten year time span is 17...almost two arrests per year per team.  Fleming would lead you to believe, from his very specific and detailed reference in his article, that the Steelers are leading the pack in arrests.

False.

As a matter of fact, Pittsburgh has netted only 16 arrests in the past 10 years, and four of those cases were dropped, leaving a grand total of 12 cases prosecuted.  I would also like to point out that of those 12 cases, Plaxico Burress and Santonio Holmes each account for two.

Now for my Fleming reference: the Green Bay Packers have had 12 arrests in 10 years with zero drops for a grand total of 12 cases prosecuted.  Kudos to David Fleming for skewing numbers in his favor.

I think the real cause for alarm in this chart is the apparent quality of several groups of NFL lawyers.  Green Bay, Philadelphia, and St. Louis might need to find new counsel as they have had zero dropped cases in 10 years.  On the other hand, San Diego might want to give their lawyers a raise as fully 55% of their charges become dropped.  Super Chargers!

Fleming's article definitely resulted in me wondering what other stories are out there regarding football players' fallouts from the 60's to the 80's.  Unlike Fleming though, I don't get paid to look into such curiosities...so I guess in the end he wins.

I'll end this post with a countdown.  Everyone loves countdowns.  How about the top ten mugshots in recent NFL history?  OH YEAH!  (Source is the San Diego News Network.  San Diego really loves this stuff, I guess.)

10.  Cedric Benson

The Bears' star was arrested in 2008 for drunk driving in Texas, though he claims he wasn't drunk.  Yeah...right.

9.  Deion Sanders  

Sanders was arrested in 1996 after being caught trespassing on land owned by the Southwest Florida International Airport while fishing.  Moron.  I bet he was "fishing".

8.  Michael Irvin

Irvin was arrested in Texas in 2005 after cops found a marijuana pipe with residue tucked in the driver's seat of his Mercedes during a traffic stop.

7.  Rae Carruth

 Carruth's arrest is noteworthy as he ended up being sentenced to 18 years in prison.  He murdered his pregnant girlfriend after he allegedly conspired in her death and the death of her unborn baby in an attempt to avoid child support payments.  Mission accomplished, I guess.

6.  Randy Moss

Moss was arrested in 2002 after he allegedly drove over an office who attempted to give him a ticket.  He was also booked on charges of assault with a deadly weapon.

5.  Fred Lane Jr.

Lane was arrested by police after cops found a loaded assault rifle in his trunk in 2000.  Apparently he had a reason to carry the gun, as he was subsequently found shot to death by his wife.

4.  Ray Lewis

Lewis was arrested and charged with murder in 2000 following the stabbing of two men at an Atlanta nightclub.  Lewis later pleased guilty to obstruction of justice and served 12 months on probation.  Not guilty my ass.

3.  Plaxico Burress

Enough said.

2.  OJ Simpson

Not here for what you think.  Simpson was sentenced to prison on charges of armed robbery and kidnapping charges in 2008.  Where oh where was Johnny Cochran then?

1.  Michael "Mad Dog" Vick

Also, enough said.

Jeff Reed did not make this list ONLY because I couldn't find his mugshot.  Here is the closest replacement available:

I bet he is loving life in San Francisco.

Cleveland Sucks.

 

Super Bowl.

Ever had a hard time starting something back up after a break?  Yeah.  Unfortunately for both of my avid readers, real-life caught up to me for a while.  However, I would like both of you to know that I have decided to shirk my real-life responsibilities, and concentrate on what is really important.  Steelers' Super Bowl.  You hear that real-life?  You can suck my magnificent dick.  ON TO THE SUPER BOWL!!

But first...

I have about nine weeks of Gaper Awards to give out.  Fuck it.  They all go to that blathering assclown Rex Ryan.  Would you like to know the best part regarding the AFC Championship game?  When me and a bar full of Patriots fans were all cheering..."Fuck you, Rex Ryan".  I know someone who isn't disappointed to see Rex de-feeted.

Yeah, that shit's real.  More excellent Super Bowl Coverage to follow.

Rex Ryan Sucks...But Cleveland Sucks Rex Ryan

I Couldn't do a Better Job

The guy who reminds me of my Uncle Tim is back again this week, and I don't think I can do a better job of summarizing the game...although I'm still going to try.

Cleveland Sucks...Hard.

I'm behind. Deal with it.

I am officially three games behind with my informative, insightful, and possibly divine comments.  So, I'll do a quick recap of the Bengals and Patriots games, then talk about the Raiders game in a second post.

The Steelers did well against the Bengals, even if they almost gave up the game at the end.  I was seeing flashbacks to last year when the defense lost every game in the fourth quarter.  However, LeBeau devised just enough stops to win the game.  One of the dynamics I liked watching was between Chad JOHNSON and Owens.  JOHNSON was held without a catch for 75% of the game, and the camera kept filming him...pouting on the sideline like a bitch.  I knew the Owens pickup for Cincinnati wouldn't work...but now I'm glad that it's killing JOHNSON inside.  He get's the Gaper Award for being completely replaceable.

Heinz Ward impressions will not make you a good football player...dumbass.

Short and sweet for the Bengals...even shorter for the Patriots.  I had the displeasure of sitting in a New England bar while simultaneously getting embarrassed thoroughly by William Gay.  I think one of the worst things about the whole situation was that every Patriots "fan" in the bar that night was a chode.  Nothing but a bunch of fleece wearing metrosexuals who were all more interested in their fantasy team's score than the actual score.  It wasn't until the end that they opened their dick receptacles and started talking shit.  Apparently they knew it was the end of the game when their fantasy stats stopped updating.  So thank you, William Gay, for playing so terribly that I had to slink out of a bar.  

 You couldn't cover a receiver with a blanket.  

Special shout out to Jeff Reed!  See you in the unemployment line.

Cleveland Sucks.

Deebo Meets with Goodell.

I was so successful in simulating the exact thoughts of both James Harrison and Roger Goodell a couple of weeks ago, I thought I owed it to the world to do it again.  Deebo recently had a meeting with Roger Goodell regarding the numerous widow makers he throws down on the football field.  I'm pretty sure that meeting went exactly like this:

Look, James.  May I call you James without you flipping shit and ripping my head off?

You sure as Hell may not.  In fact, consider yourself lucky I don't beat you down like I did that Browns fan a couple of years ago.  You can call me Captain Ass Rape.  Because that's what you've been doing to me for the past couple of years, and if you don't fix it that's what I'm going to do to you.

I'm not quite sure that I like the sound of that.  Anyway, Captain, we need to talk about your tackling and your aggressiveness today.  To put this simply, there is no room for aggressive tacklers and, in general, meanies in my NFL.  I'm trying to market the game to Europeans, so that means less hitting and eventually I'm going to enact a rule where nobody can touch the ball with their hands.  Additionally, before tackling an offensive player you must first establish that they are both ready to be tackled and also emotionally capable to withstand said tackle.

???

Mike, this idiot is kidding right?  Seriously, white people do not have a good sense of humor...or rhythm.  It's bad enough that I NEVER get a holding call, but when someone forgets to grab my jersey and I actually get to the ball carrier, I'm fined every time I touch them.  WHAT THE SHIT GOODELL!!!

I'm not listening, I'm not listening.  Furthermore, the pink accessories being worn for breast cancer awareness will become standard issue to every team's uniform and all players will be required to take estrogen pills.  Well, all players except for kickers.  Actually, a further exception for Jeff Reed.  He will take the pills.  The bastard tore apart all of the hand towels in my house.  Also, everyone will be required to sport an NFL approved hairstyle.  The only hairstyle permitted will be a carbon copy of my perfect quaff.

 Now just wait one god damn minute Goodell!!!  If Europeans want to watch soccer, they sure as Hell can just watch soccer.  And if you think for one second I'm going to cut my hair, you are clearly delusional.  You look like a gay version of a Ken doll.

Excuse me, but please don't lump me in with Goodell.  I'm no pussy.

Hey everyone.  I don't know what all the commotion is about, I just wanted to say something to Goodell.  I'm going to rape you.

Not even you can rape the willing.  Te he he he.



Cleveland Sucks.

Who Hired Bruce Arians?

Now on to the latest debacle.  I thought the Steelers looked really good last week.  I mean, their uniforms were spectacular and Polamalu's hair had it's glorious, million dollar sheen.  Aside from that, what the Hell?  I suppose I can't lay the loss on the defense too much.  After all, they combined for 63 tackles, 2 sacks, 6 tackles for a loss, 4 passes defended, and 7 quarterback hits.  That's not bad considering the amount of time they were on the field.  "Why were they on the field so long?" you may ask.  Why, that's an easy one.

Ass.

Bruce Arians is the "Offensive" coordinator for the Pittsburgh Steelers, or as I sometimes refer to him, a football fritata.  (I promised people I'd stop using the word retarded.  Enter fritata.)  You have to be kidding me Bruce.  Here are the numbers for the Saints' defense; 58 tackles, 3 sacks, 4 tackles for a loss, 6 passes defended, and 7 quarterback hits.  The not so "offensive" line has only allowed Ben to be sacked three times in three games, until last Sunday.  "Why were there so many sacks?" you may ask.  Again, my pupil, that's an easy one.

The Saints blitzed everybody in their stadium on every single play.  Obviously this means that there would be opportunities for plays like screens, or maybe a hot route open.  After all, that's how Heinz Ward gets most of his receptions.  The answer is no, however,  For some reason Ass Arians, as seen above, continually tried to go deep.  Play after play after play after play...after play after play.  No doubt against a 100,00 person rush Roethlisberger found PLENTY of time to hold on to the ball and wait for a receiver to open up deep. Or not, I guess. 

I suppose the one thing that I hate about Arians the most is that he simply cannot adjust a game plan at half time.  What kills me is that sometimes he will scheme the opponent's defense perfectly, and everybody will say something like "See.  Don't blame Bruce Arians."  Although, the other fifty percent of the time he will do such a piss poor job in creating a game plan, see game plan against the Saints, and couple that with his extreme inability to adjust, leads to ridiculous showings that have people say something like "Bruce Arians is a football fritata."  

He better pull his head out of his ass and set up for the next game.  Seriously, who hired Bruce Arians...winner of this week's Gaper Award.

   Maybe you should spend less time wearing ridiculous hats and more time adjust a damn game plan.

Bruce Arians would probably be the greatest coach in Cleveland's history.  Sad.

  

New England can go to Hell

You can tell when I'm not happy about a game...because I simply do not write about it.  I really felt uneasy about the way the referees straight up Roethlisbergered the Miami Dolphins two weeks ago.  The following day I had to hear from every dick-loving Patriots fan about how the "Stealers" (a totally under used insult by the way) robbed the Dolphins and didn't deserve to win.  In fact, I still hear more about that than when they lost to the Saints last week.

The NFL backed the call, what else do you expect there?, so I'll live with it.  To be perfectly honest with you, the game should not have been that close with Pittsburgh fumbling the ball on their first two possessions.  If Miami had scored a touchdown off of one of those turnovers, then the poor call would not have mattered.  Anyway, I'm finished with this game.

Thus, New England, here is my final stance on the Dolphins game...the Steelers did not make the replay call you fleece wearing, granola munching douchebags.  Also, if one of you bastards cuts me off in traffic one more damn time...peace loving yuppie liberal heads are going to fly!  I was going to give the Gaper Award to the referees, but instead I'm going to give it to the entire state of Massachusetts.

    I can't wait for next week you assclowns.

I hate Massachusetts, but Cleveland's still the worst place in the universe.

Deebo on the Prowl

Nice work Roger Goodell, now James Harrison is really going to kill someone this week.  The only thing you've managed to accomplish is to completely piss off an already mentally unbalanced individual.  I sure wouldn't want to play offense for the Dolphins because someone is getting shanked.

I can only imagine what was going through Deebo's mind when he learned the news of getting fined a ridiculous amount of money for absolutely no reason whatsoever:

Woo, boy.  I destroyed that taint, Josh Cribbs, and leveled Massaquoi.  How do you like them apples Lewis?  They were perfectly legal hits too.  By the way, you were washed up five years ago.

What the Hell did that douchebag Goodell just say?

Uh, Goodell here.  I'm going to continue to enforce my completely inconsistent agenda here and rape you the same way I did your quarterback.  Mr. Harrison, I'm going to fine you more than anyone else even though some of their hits were obviously intentional, even to me, a condescending, hypocritical assbag .  Unfortunately, you happened to say something to the press, so I have the make an example of you regardless of whether or not it's warranted.  Enjoy the rape.

What the shit, Goodell!!  I'm tired of this bullshit.  I can't help the entire roster of the Browns is full of talentless panties that can't play football much less protect themselves out there.  I'm a man, dammit, and I'm not going to play two hand touch every time we play Cleveland.  Fuck this, I'm going to retire.

Wwwhhhaaattt????  James, for the love of God, take some time off and think about it.  I love you.

Fine.  I'll come back.  However, now I'm mega pissed and there better be a couple of ambulances at the game on Sunday, because I'm laying bitches out...starting with Goodell.

Oh shit.  Is it too late to say I'm sorry James?  I love you too!

Oh man.  That guy is about to get raped. 

That's how I imagine the whole thought process went for Deebo, Goodell, Tomlin, and Roethlisberger.  The odds are that I'm not that far off.  I'm also going to give the Gaper Award to Goodell this week for being an inconsistent, and hypocritical piece of garbage.  Congratulations, dick meat, you deserve this one.

 I hate you, Roger, and I know I'm not alone.

Cleveland Sucks.

Remember that time the Steelers embarrassed the Browns?

My only serious criticism of the Steelers was that it wasn't more of a blow out.  To me Cleveland is just not a divisional opponent, but the scum of the Earth.  I'm sure I'm not alone on that one.  With that in mind, there are three games that I really look forward to watching each year.


1.  Browns at Steelers
2.  Steelers at Browns
3.  Steelers in the Super bowl.


Incidentally, Cleveland's version of the Super bowl is beating the Steelers.  You people are pathetic.


Anyway, the game went exactly as I had expected with the exception of the final score.  I guess I do have a criticism for Lawrence Timmons.  Come on guy, you can't leave a man open in the endzone.  I'm not saying the Browns would not have scored otherwise, but that was a gift wrapped touchdown to a group of bottom feeders who where just happy to have made it to the endzone.


There were two major story lines in Sunday's game.  First, it's good to have Ben back and not raping girls.  I was concerned with the game that Arians was going to call with Ben back under center, but it turns out he called more running plays than passing.  Roethlisberger and Mendenhall were dead even in attempts; Ben passed 27 times and Mendenhall had 27 rushes, but Redman had 6 and Moore had 1.  I'm sure some of this was due to it being Ben's first game back so I expect that those numbers are going to skew to Ben's favor in the next couple of weeks.  Even so, Ben looked solid throwing for three touchdowns.  However, you could definitely tell he was rusty based on some poor throws that he made.  His only interception of the day was a good example where he simply threw behind Wallace and Hayden came away with the easy pick.  On the plus side though Ben was not sacked at all on Sunday.  The line has definitely improved over the past years and Pouncey in key.


The second story line in the game is that the linebackers killed everything in sight.  Specifically, Harrison decimated half of the Browns' starting wide receiver line up.  Before I get into that I would like to point out the emergence of another elite linebacker, Lawrence Timmons.  Even though I just gave him a scalding remark that I'm sure he will think about for the next couple of days, he really has finally come on this year.  I thought last year was going to be his breakout season, but apparently he just wanted to stick it to me.  Consider these stats:


1.  Timmons leads the Steelers in tackles with 59.  
    (Nineteen more than second place James Harrison.)
2.  Timmons is tied for second in sacks at three.  
    (1.5 behind James Harrison.)
3.  Timmons is tied for second in interceptions at one.  
    (One behind Troy Polamalu.)


I'll go out on a limb here and say that Timmons makes the Pro Bowl this year.  Quite an accomplishment considering he is competing with Woodley, Harrison, and Farrior.


Now to Harrison.  If there is one person I would not want to meet in a dark alley while I hold a football, it's easily James Harrison.  I would love to have seen James Harrison square off with Joe Greene.  Who wins that  matchup?  It's like Chuck Norris fighting Jesus.  (Impossible...Jesus is Chuck Norris.)  Seriously, Harrison is easily the most intimidating player in the NFL, and he proved why when he bitch slapped Cribbs right off of the field, and literally killed Massaquoi two plays later.  I didn't find either hit illegal, and apparently the refs didn't either.  However, I went to the Cleveland Plain Dealer's website to see what Bottom Feeding fans had to say and found this nugget of ineptitude:

Joe1970KnowsFootball:

Harrision should not only have recieved a 15 yard penalty, he should have also been ejected out of the game. He was clearly sent out to physically injure players that could impact the game in the Browns favor. After all Cribbs was the one that beat them last winter. Looks like not only did they get their payback against Cribbs and the Browns but the digusting excuses of officials were clearly all on board with it.

Not only should Harrison now be fined and suspended - the officals tending that game should also face disciplinary action for those two no call fouls and several other holding and pass interference no calls they also turned a blind eye to during the game.


First of all, I would like to point out that if you are posting this bullshit trash, Joe1970KnowsFootball, then in fact, you do not KnowsFootball.  Sent out to injure players that could impact the game in the Browns(') favor?  Would that not be every player on their roster?  Did Harrison go out there with a knife and stab every single Browns' player?  Then injuring people probably wasn't his goal.  I enjoy you ending your pathetic rant with the typical sackless diatribe about missed calls.  I agree with you Joe1970KnowsFootball, there is a vast conspiracy with the singular intention of keeping the Cleveland Browns down.  Wait, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.  Sack up and admit that you're making excuses for the typical Browns' play and admit that maybe you don't KnowsFootball.  Assclown.

This guy just pissed me off.  I'll give out the Gaper Award later this week.

Joe1970KnowsChodeDevouring is a more apt name.