Alright Already!

In the past week all of the two people who read this site have asked me if I am a "quitting little piece of shit." If I am a "bitch who only writes when shit goes well" and if I am "a humongous rodent sodomizing dick sack".

Seriously, I can't make that up.

Well, it's time to start up StillersBlog again after an enjoyable offseason that saw Ben Roethlisberger try to top the womanizing efforts of Wilt Chamberlain. (Unfortunately for Ben, Wilt was hung like a horse, and none of Ben's escapades were consensual.)

So, with that being said, come Saturday I will try to give the site a face lift, but let's be serious, how does one revamp perfection? Stay tuned.

Easily one of the ugliest wins in history

Wow. That really sums up how I feel about the outcome of the Steelers-Ravens game last week. Steelers looked like their Terrible Selves (sorry Myron...not a compliment) but the big surprise was that the Ravens apparently decided to mail it in. At least, for once, Max Starks was not the most penalized person on the field.

It really pisses me off that Ray Rice ran for over 100 yards breaking the Steelers streak of not allowing a 100 yard runner. I'm not really one to get into stats, but I always liked that one. I also used to relish the winning streak against Cleveland. Ohio still blows ass.

Ziggy Hood looked great in action last week. He finally gets his first sack of his career, and surprisingly, his first interception. However, he definitely needs to work on his run stopping ability as he gets blown off of the line too often. I miss Aaron Smith.

I'm giving the Gaper to Max Starks. I liked Starks during his rookie season. However, his skills have improved marginally since then. The Steelers are paying him left tackle money when they should invest a first round pick into the position. He almost killed an entire drive on his own two weeks ago while giving up close to two thousand sacks against the Packers ROOKIE defensive end. His play last week was truly Offensive. He now deserves the moniker 'Offensive Lineman'. Hell, Ramon Foster is outplaying him right now.

Congratulations Max, I hate you.

Here we go playoffs, here we go!

Alright. I don't want to jinx this or anything, but the Steelers have a 100% chance of making the playoffs this season. They are sitting at 7-7 with two games left in the season. Obviously they need to win out, so they beat Baltimore today. Denver plays the Eagles, which I believe they will lose. That gives the two wildcard spots to both Baltimore and Pittsburgh because the Steelers have the tiebreaker over the Broncos.

Houston (7-7) plays Miami (7-7) today, so one of those teams will be out of the race by the end of the day. If Miami wins they go to 8-7, and play the Steelers next week. So even if the Dolphins win, they still don't make the playoffs with a loss to the Steelers next week. If the Texans win they still don't have as good of a conference record as the Steelers, and they play the Patriots next week. Sorry Houston, you're out.

The Jets (7-7) play the Colts and the Bengals back to back these next two weeks. Their offense is attrocious, and there is no way they win both games. They are out.

The team with the best shot at ruining the Steelers' playoff hopes is again the Jacksonville Jaguars. They play the Patriots this week, and the CribbsBottomfeeders next week. With a better conference record they are already ahead of the Steelers, and if they win today could be a lock regardless of a Steelers win or loss.

This is obviously the only week where I'll ever root for the Patriots.

Back at it

It has been a hell of a long time people. I told myself that when I started this thing that I would not put anything on here if I had absolutely nothing decent to say. Believe it or not, but back to back losses to the Raiders and the Browns will do that to you. On a side note, I have officially changed the name of the Browns to the Cleveland Cribbs. (Let's be honest...he's all they have.) I've even worked out a new logo for them...

Here's a good question...if he is so fast, then why can't he run his way out of Cleveland? That's what he's been trying to do this whole time...he just happened to also be holding a ball.

There isn't much to say for the past weeks, last week excluded. The loss to the Raiders was ridiculous, agravating, and demoralizing. The loss to the Browns was something out of a fiction book. I wouldn't even drink after the game, I just went into some kind of catatonic state. I remained there until Santonio, I mean Iron Mike Wallace, made that incredible touchdown catch at the end of the Green Bay game.

Because my doctor said to stop agonizing over the past six weeks, I'll be quick with the Gaper awards. It's pretty simple, the entire team will receive them for their amazing performances agianst both the Raiders and the CribbsBottomfeeders. Congratulations everybody...you deserve it.

Congratulations to all of you guys for sucking major ass the past five weeks.

Alright, the five game streak of losses ended last week for anyone of you that did not already know. Thank you Iron Mike Wallace for not sucking as bad as Limas Sweed. Every second of that game I watched with curbed enthusiasm. Let's face it...the Steelers have lost seven games playing the way they did last week with the obvious exception of Wallace and Roethlisberger. 504 yards passing? Ridiculous. Green Bay's number one ranked defense? Clearly over-rated. There is only one possible person to give the McNulty would have to be my main man Limas Sweed. What a humongous vagina he is. Sweed has now been put on the non-injury reserve list ending his spectacular sophomore season. What a blow this is to the vaunted Steelers passing game. I'm officially saying that with Sweed go any chance the Steelers have on winning the Superbowl. Sorry guys, but it was a nice run.

Notice my friend Limas here in a Texas jersey. He's in a Longhorn jersey in the picture because I'm pretty sure he's never been on the field in the NFL and not screwed up somehow.

End rant.

StillerJack PISSED

Alright...three loses in a row. I've never seen this before in my young life. (Well, with the Steelers. I see it all the time in Cleveland.)

Here are my picks for today:

Philadelphia NJ vs Atlanta
The Falcons without Matt Ryan? I'll take the pride of New Jersey, Philadelphia.

Tampa Bay vs Carolina
Hmmm...I'll take Carolina. Can't wait until Cowher is there next season.

St. Louis vs Cincinnati
No contest. Bengals.

Indianapolis vs Tennessee
Tons of people are talking upset here. Tons of people are stupid. Colts.

Denver vs Kansas City
We need Denver to lose to get an early wildcard spot, but they win today.

New England vs Miami
Of course I would LOVE the upset, but Miami will stumble. Patriots.

New Orleans vs Washington
Non-competitive matchup here. Saints roll.

Houston vs Jacksonville
Jacksonville loses the game and their early wildcard spot. Thanks Houston!

San Diego vs Cleveland
HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Chargers.

Dallas vs New York Giants
Giants are slumping BIG TIME. They are fresh off of a bye week, but Dallas gets the job done.

Seattle vs San Fransisco
Wow, outside of the Pacific coast, who the hell cares? No I, said the toddler. 49ers.

Minnesota vs Arizona
This should be a pretty good game. If Warner plays...maybe. However, I'll stick with the Vikings to win.

Green Bay vs Baltimore
We need Green Bay to win this game to distance the lead over the Ravens. Green Bay.

Pittsburgh vs Oakland
If Pittsburgh doesn't win I'm slapping my mom...hard. I'll slap the shump right off of her face. Steelers.

Recap from last week

Sorry everyone...I was away for Thanksgiving and missed my weekly post here. I wish I would have missed those games. Anyway...still have to talk about it.

Actually, I will not talk about the Chiefs game. It just goes to show how the Steelers like to play down to any level. Bullshit. The entire Steelers team receives the Gaper award for being pussy pieces of shit. (What was that about losing creating animosity? Oh well.)

Thanks for the letdown boys.

Now on to the Ravens game...

Dennis Dixon played so much better than I thought he would. Sure, he threw an interception in overtime...but the defense lost that game. It shouldn't have gone to overtime. Did anyone else notice a SLOW Ray Lewis? What is he, like 98 years old? Some people don't know when to retire, or die. Either one would be a solid decision for Ray Ray.

I'm not sure what the difference is between last years defense and this years. Does Troy Polamalu really mean that much to the team? I guess so. The Steelers have not lost big all season, and you have to think that if Polamalu was in there he MAY have tipped the balance. That speaks well for their playoff chances, which I say they will be there. Steelers WILL get a wildcard.

The Gaper award for the Ravens game goes to Hines Ward. He needs to learn to keep his fucking mouth shut. Now the Steelers are in the news, but it's only because of the bullshit he was spouting about Ben not playing last week. Seriously, you don't know better by now Hines? Are you not a team captain?
Way to be a dick.

NOW, I desperately want to get positive here again. Let's look at the greatest quote I've ever heard in my entire life.

Mike Tomlin: "We will not go gently; we will unleash hell here in December, because we have to. We won't go in a shell; we will go in attack mode because that is what is required,"

Holy shit. Hearing that come from the Clark Kent of NFL coaches...now I want to punch someone in the face. Luckily I live in Boston and there are a plethora of queens who need a good bitchslap. If I were the Raiders I'd be shitting my pants right now. Good news for Raiders owner Al Davis...he just got a diaper change.

I also found this because apparently the Raiders used to not suck dick. Well, they were a good football team, but they still sucked a chode off.

What's with that tool-shed at the end of the video? Yeah, he likes to show Steelers fans his one ring, and we like to bitchslap his chode devouring face with six. (You actually have to bitchslap him twice because there are too many rings for one hand.)

Ah, now I feel better. Watch Bruce Gradkowski get embarrassed today. Oh, and my older brother texts me last night to inform me that he has tickets to today's game. So, expect some amazing pics up here later this week.

There are things worse than a three game losing streak.
Like being an Ohio football fan.

StillerJack Quick Picks

Lightning round for picks...I've got to get to the bar.

Colts over Ravens
Cowboys over Redskins
Detroit over Cleveland
Packers over 49ers
Jaguars over Bills
Vikings over Seahawks
Falcons over Giants
Saints over Buccaneers
Cardinals over Rams
Chargers over Broncos
Patriots over Jets
Bengals over Raiders
Eagles over Bears
Texans over Titans
Steelers over Chiefs

I'll say it again...The Bungles...Seriously???

I'm not going to recap the game. We all know what happened. Instead, I'll tell you all about my exploits in trying to get to the only Steelers bar in Boston.

I went over to my friend's house at about 9 AM (the bar is a two hour train ride away.) We both thought it was an amazing idea to mix a two liter bottle of soda with a bottle of whiskey...Jameson of course...each. We then proceed to walk to the commuter rail which should take us to the Boston subway system. Now this ride is suppose to take approximately forty minutes because it takes a cockload of stops. Anyway, we get to the station at nine to find out that on Sundays the first train does not show up until ten. Alright, no big deal, because we both have plenty of drinking to do. So we sit down on the platform and proceed.

About thirty minutes later this nice old lady comes down to the platform and we talk with her about gardening for awhile. It's now ten o'clock, no train. Fine, we left plenty of buffer time in our plans. This classic Boston queen shows up at about 11:00, sees us sitting in our Steelers jerseys, and starts yelling, "We've got three Superbowls." If you have kids, do not let them read this next part. I retort with, "Six is greater than three you cunt sack!" My friend then starts yelling, "Tom Brady sucked my cock for three bucks!" at this queen, and eventually the dude's wife pulls him away and they go sit at the other end of the platform. Bitch.

The train does not show up until 11:30, or as I like to call it, to damn late. However, we still have some liquid left in our bottles. Obviously the best decision here is to remain sitting on the platform, finish our whiskey, then walk downtown to the bar to see the game. I'm happy to say that we pulled that plan off to perfection. It's now 12:30, and we get up to leave. We are walking out of the terminal when one of the orderlies yells after us that he's going to call the cops because we just sat on the train platform for three and a half hours, and now are clearly stumbling away. I yell, "Call the cops you bitch!", and we proceed to hurry around the corner and take our jerseys off. Clearly the jersey will be like a red arrow above my head when the cops roll by. We walk far enough away that it is now safe to don my James Farrior jersey once again. We reapply the colors and continue walking. This car starts honking it's horn at us, and we look over. This dude with a Queer Brady jersey flips us off, then drives away like the bitch ass rat he is. Pussy.

Finally we get to the bar, and sit down with the guys we normally watch games with. They can obviously see that we are already tanked off of our asses, at 1 pm, so the start buying us beers. That, ladies and gentlemen, is where the story ends because that is when my memory starts to fail. Fuck the Bengals.Chad Ocho Cinco gets the McNulty. Mustard? Are you kidding? Two catches for twenty nine yards and you talk shit? How about I send you some relish, because I'm definitely relishing the fact that you are such a chode. I'm also changing your name to OchoChodo, bitch.

A few thoughts for today's game,

1. This is the best time to be without Troy. The next couple of games go like this; KC, struggling Ravens, Raiders, Cleveland Taints, then the man should be back.

2. No Larry Johnson? Good. Jamaal Charles doesn't gain thirty yards.

3. Matt Cassel is the product of a good offense.

4. Carter and Clark will take care of business today. Or else...

5. Big Ben can stop bitching about being "Out of sync" with his receivers. Santonio's huge left bicep just shut him up. (Watch, every time Holmes has a big play, out comes the bicep. Guarantee.)

Steelers win.

Week Nine Picks

Last week hurt. We don't need to get into details, but let's just say that I had to get a diaper change. In other news, Cleveland is a shit hole. Let's pick some games:

Atlanta v Carolina
The Falcons are playing well...and Michael Turner seems to have found some running room again. I expect that to continue against a poor Panther run defense.

Tampa Bay v Miami
Tampa Bay burned my ass last week. ARE YOU KIDDING? What a perfect time to realize that you are not a bunch of doorknob fucking inbreds (See entire state of West Virginia). Regardless, I'm taking the Dolphins.

Detroit v Minnesota
Sweet sassy molassey I hope Brett Favre is hurt. Maybe then people will shut the hell up about him. But for now, I'll take Minnesota to win.

Jacksonville v New York Jets
Not sure where to go with this one...not sure it's going to matter. I'll take the Jets? (Dammit, who put a question mark on the teleprompter?)

New Orleans v St. Louis
NON-COMPETITIVE. If the NFL had a mercy rule, I'm sure it would come into play for this game. Saints to win.

Buffalo v Tennessee
The Bills lost to the Browns. Does it get any lower than that? Titans.

Denver v Washington
A Redskins team without Clinton Portis is actually just as bad as it was with him. Denver.

Kansas City v Oakland
With these two both in the AFC West, I can understand why Denver is 6-1. I'll take the Chiefs for no specific reason.

Seattle v Arizona
Kurt Warner threw for five touchdowns last week. Seattle blew a busload of shims last week. I'll take the Cardinals.

Dallas v Green Bay
The Packers lost to Tampa Bay last week. That's poor. Although, Jerry Jones is an assclown. Which way to go? Dallas because Aaron Rodgers will be sacked seven hundred times in the first ten seconds.

Philadelphia v San Diego
The Super Chargers to win. Philadelphia New Jersey can rot in hell.

New England v Indianapolis
Belichick can eat shit. Let's go Peyton.

Baltimore v Cleveland
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Baltimore wins in an empty stadium.

Pittsburgh v Cincinnati
Can't wait to give Ocho Cinco the Gaper next week.

The Bungles...Seriously?

WELL NOW...who said the Denver Broncos were "for real"? Oh yeah, everybody at that shit-factory known as ESPN. So the Steelers only go into Denver and destroy the Broncos while they are missing three starters on defense. Surely that would garner some national acclaim...you know...defending champs win FIVE in a row and now sit at 6-2? Surely people will start talking about the defense that hasn't given up a touchdown in two games? The quick answer is no, no big deal. I'm used to the Steelers being ignored in place of the flashy Patriots, Colts, et al. Let them get blown by the media, the Steelers will continue to win as always.

Rant aside, this guy from Sports Illustrated may be the smartest football mind in the world, aside from yours truly. This is the guy...Jim Trotter. He wrote a column dealing with his predictions for the remainder of the NFL season. Here's his number six:

6. The Steelers will not lose another regular-season game. The belief among personnel people is you had better beat the Steelers early in the season because they get stronger as the year progresses. Sure enough, the defending Super Bowl champions have won five in a row and look to be finding their rhythm. More eye-opening: The Bengals are the only team left on Pittsburgh's schedule with a winning record. Scary.

Aristotle goes on to say:

10. Pittsburgh will win the Super Bowl. The Steelers are only two field goals away from being undefeated, and no one is really talking about them. Coach Mike Tomlin has to love that. Anyway, I have Pittsburgh, Indy, New England and Denver as my division winners, with San Diego and Cincinnati as the wild cards. Pittsburgh beats San Diego in the conference final. In the NFC I have New Orleans, Arizona, Minnesota and Philadelphia as division winners, with Dallas and Atlanta as the wild cards. New Orleans beats Minnesota in the conference final. Pittsburgh defeats New Orleans 27-24 for its second consecutive Lombardi Trophy.

I like this guy. I just can't put my finger on it...but he seems smart. You know, like a voter. Great guy.

BUT, now we transition from a great guy, to a humongous gaping vagina.

Morely, you need to pick your shit up. Your buddy, Mike Wallace, continues to be reporting the news to every defensive back in the league. As a matter of fact, Wallace will personally deliver a sixty minute diatribe to Cincinnati DB's this week. So, Morely, pick your shit up and start contributing. Pretty soon Steeler Nation will give up on you like they have on Limas Sweed.

Here's some keys to the game today:

Cedric Benson will not gain one hundred yards. Carson Palmer has been loving the Bengals newly found running game. After all, it was Benson who finally ended the Ravens game streak without a one hundred yard rusher. Unfortunately, he will not have the same success against a top level defense.

Pittsburgh linebackers vs. Cincinnati offensive line: Some big plays are required from Harrison and company to throw the Bengals passing game off track. With the loss of production from Cedric Benson, Palmer will try to air it out, and if that loudmouth dickbag Ocho Cinco nets more than fifty yards, I'm going to burn down the Clemente Bridge.

Big Ben is going to destroy the Bengal defense. You watch...I'm saying over 250 yards, and two to three touchdowns.

That's it for now. I'll be watching the game at the only Steelers Bar that I have found in the city of Boston.