60 Minutes cast to the rescue?

I'm a little late on getting this post in. Steelers lost another close game last week. Why did the Steelers lose? Poor execution. It's getting to be a little disappointing to see the number of mistakes made by this team. Quadzilla misses another field goal. Limas "Fuck up" Sweed drops a sure touchdown pass in the endzone. The Steelers cannot score on a 3rd and goal from the one yard line. The defense cannot get off of the field to save their lives. Roethlisberger throws a "Pick-6". Yet despite all of these mistakes and short comings, the Steelers ALMOST win the game.

Here are a few thoughts on the most recent loss:

1. StillerJack is getting pissed that for two weeks in a row the Steelers have burned his pick record. (Which now stands at 22-10 after two weeks.)

2. Mike Wallace is good. I hate to brag, but I believe I called this one. In fact, Mike Wallace is doing so well, the Steelers should explore the athletic prowess of the rest of the 60 Minutes cast. It would probably look something like this:

Morely Safer: Born November 8, 1931 in Toronto.

Morely measures up at 6'6", 295 lbs, and runs the 40 yd. dash in 4.8 seconds. During college he won an "Young Abe Vigoda" look alike contest. Morley would be the perfect anchor to a struggling Pittsburgh "offensive"line, as he can play both right and left tackle.







Steve Kroft: Born August 22, 1945 in Kokomo, Indiana.

At 6'1" and 235 lbs. Kroft is the prototypical size for a power runningback. His running style is similar to Brandon Jacobs of the New York Giants, with one exception, flat out speed. Kroft was timed in the 40 yard dash at 4.3 seconds, and recently beat Willie Parker in a speed-hopscotch competition. In keeping with nickname forms, i.e. "The Bus" and "Frank the Tank", Kroft's nickname would most likely be "Kadillac Kroft".




Lesley Stahl: Born December 16, 1941 (1941-12-16) in Lynn, Massachusetts.

Lesley was born without any toes on her right foot, making it the perfect stub for field goal kicking. During college Lesley's career long field goal was 106 yards, and her lifetime kicking record stands at 1,576 attempts and 1,575 successful kicks. (One ball was stuck by lightning in mid-air. The kick was still on track to make it through the posts, until it was attacked by terrorists.) She is also Jordan's mom.




Bob Simon: Born May 29, 1941 in the Bronx, New York.

Unfortunately Bob Simon, albeit possessing amazing athletic prowess, would not be a good fit in the Pittsburgh system. He is currently serving a two year jail sentence for concealing a handgun in the waistband of his sweatpants at a dog fighting ring. He is known to share a cell with Plaxico Burress.






Scott Pelley: Born July 28, 1957 in San Antonio Texas.

Hailing from the same state as "Big Snack", "Short Stack" measures in at 5'8" and 186 lbs. Pelley owns every NCAA receiver record of consequence, and once played an entire college team by himself and won 21-18. Pelley and Wallace would form the most dominating WR corps in league history.





Andy Rooney: Born January 14, 1919 in Albany New York.

Andy Rooney would force his way onto the coaching staff, using his part-ownership status as leverage. However, once installing himself as the new "offensive"line coach, would easily rival the accomplishments of Russ Grim...especially with his star lineman Morely Safer.






3. Willie Parker is looking better. Parker ran the ball 25 times for 97 yards, a 3.7 yard average. He also reeled in a pass for a touchdown. He doesn't seem to be dancing around in the backfield as much, and will wait for the hole to open up in the defense.

4. Rashard Mendenhall is looking invisible. Mendenhall was not permitted to play on the offense for the Bengals game. Tomlin accredited that to Mendenhall not being properly prepared to play...as in having poor practices. Rashard had better shore up his practice regime, because being a first round pick, the expectations are high for him. (Expectations that he has yet to live up to.)

5. Someone give Quadzilla selective amnesia please. Three misses in two games is ridiculous. If he starts pulling extra points, I'm going to hit him with a paper towel dispenser.

6. The defense NEEDS TROY. There is light on the horizon though. After practice today, which showed Polomalu running on his knee, Troy said "I really felt well." He probably won't see the field this week. However, he could be back in time to face the venerable Lions in two weeks.

7. Short yardage is still woeful. Now Frank "The Tank" is out for the season. Here comes Carey Davis to the rescue...chuckle. Maybe more draw plays with three or four receiver sets are called for to spread the defense out. That could open running room for Parker and Mendenhall (if he ever gets on the field.)

8. Limas Sweed is playing like dogshit. Thank you Limas, for voluntarily giving your spot on the field to Iron Mike Wallace. Catch the ball, shitbag.

9. How about that toolbag Chad Ochocinco? He has a list of defensive backs that he will face this season, and for every big game that he has, he puts a check mark next to the name. Well Chad, you had Ike Taylor on your list. How did you fare? Five receptions for 54 yards and ZERO touchdowns. Congratulations on the Gaper Award this week Chad. By the way, moron, ochocinco means eight five, not eighty five.

Sweet grill, tool.

10. The "offensive"line is looking better each week. One sack for the game, and running room for Parker. I want to give these guys credit every chance I get.

Check back Friday morning when StillerJack makes his picks for the week.

Cleveland sucks man balls.