StillerJack has a lifetime career pick record of 0-0
Alright everybody, it's time for me to make some picks for the upcoming NFL weekend. I'll pick the winner for every game, and give a little synopsis of why I'm right. (Even if the team I pick loses, that's there problem. I'm still right. So eat it.)
Carolina vs. Atlanta
I like Atlanta because Jake "Not my Del-homie" is sucking worse than (insert any Cleveland quarterback EVER). Atlanta wins.
Minnesota vs. Detroit
Minnesota by 20 points, or, two more points than the number of season ticket holders in Detroit. Whichever comes first.
Cincinnati vs. Green Bay
Green Bay. See quarterback comment above, and apply to Carson Palmer. Also, Ohio sucks.
Arizona vs. Jacksonville
Arizona wins in proportion to the strength of Kurt Warner's Viagra. Hey, I don't blame him...his wife is hot. You know, for her age. I obviously like older women.
Oakland vs. Kansas City
Kansas City. I flipped a coin. The winner was Kansas City, but is there any real winner in this match up, fans included?
New England vs. New York Jets
I'll take the Jets in the upset because Bill Belichick is THE DEVIL. I had a guy in Boston tell me that I was a terrorist because I wasn't a "Patriots" fan. I said, "No sir, I'm not a "Patriots" fan because I know something about football. Something you, being a dicktard, clearly don't."
New Orleans vs. Philadelphia
New Orleans wins because McNabb is hurt again. I'm surprised it took almost the whole first game for McNabb to get hurt. At least he's still alive. Drew Brees, the best QB since Ben Roethlisberger, is going to embarrass the entire city of Philadelphia, New Jersey.
Houston vs. Tennessee
The Houston Oilers...no wait...the Tennessee Oilers...no...the Tennessee Titans win because the Houston Texans will never win more than 8 games in a season. They just got crushed by the New York Jets, and face an even tougher defense in the Titans. Houston, you have a problem. (Couldn't resist.)
St. Louis vs. Washington
File this game under extremely non-competitive. Washington wins before the opening kickoff.
Tampa Bay vs. Buffalo
I'll take Buffalo, for no reason other than pity.
Seattle vs. San Fransisco
Here's a game nobody east of Idaho will give a shit about. Hey, magic eight ball, will Seattle win this game? "Out look points to who gives a damn." Well eight ball, you got that right. I'll take San Fransisco to win because they don't cry about superbowl loses FOUR YEARS LATER!!
Cleveland vs. Denver
Are you kidding? I'd pick a morgue to beat Cleveland.
Baltimore vs. San Diego
It's gonna be Baltimore in another offensive shootout. I like the way their defense played against the Chiefs. Spoke well of the Steelers chances of rocking the division. Eat that shit ESPN!
New York Giants vs. Dallas
Jerry Jones is an assclown. I'll take the Giants.
Indianapolis vs. Miami
Peyton over Pennington any day of the week. (Unless that day happens to fall on shomer shabbos. YOU DON'T FUCKING ROLL ON SHOMER SHABBOS!!)
Pittsburgh vs. Chicago
Wait...did da Bears field an entire team of vicious, man eating, mini Ditkas? What? No Ditka? Not at all? I'll take da Bears to lose a close one at home.
There you have it everyone. Take those picks to the bank.
Carolina vs. Atlanta
I like Atlanta because Jake "Not my Del-homie" is sucking worse than (insert any Cleveland quarterback EVER). Atlanta wins.
Minnesota vs. Detroit
Minnesota by 20 points, or, two more points than the number of season ticket holders in Detroit. Whichever comes first.
Cincinnati vs. Green Bay
Green Bay. See quarterback comment above, and apply to Carson Palmer. Also, Ohio sucks.
Arizona vs. Jacksonville
Arizona wins in proportion to the strength of Kurt Warner's Viagra. Hey, I don't blame him...his wife is hot. You know, for her age. I obviously like older women.
Oakland vs. Kansas City
Kansas City. I flipped a coin. The winner was Kansas City, but is there any real winner in this match up, fans included?
New England vs. New York Jets
I'll take the Jets in the upset because Bill Belichick is THE DEVIL. I had a guy in Boston tell me that I was a terrorist because I wasn't a "Patriots" fan. I said, "No sir, I'm not a "Patriots" fan because I know something about football. Something you, being a dicktard, clearly don't."
New Orleans vs. Philadelphia
New Orleans wins because McNabb is hurt again. I'm surprised it took almost the whole first game for McNabb to get hurt. At least he's still alive. Drew Brees, the best QB since Ben Roethlisberger, is going to embarrass the entire city of Philadelphia, New Jersey.
Houston vs. Tennessee
The Houston Oilers...no wait...the Tennessee Oilers...no...the Tennessee Titans win because the Houston Texans will never win more than 8 games in a season. They just got crushed by the New York Jets, and face an even tougher defense in the Titans. Houston, you have a problem. (Couldn't resist.)
St. Louis vs. Washington
File this game under extremely non-competitive. Washington wins before the opening kickoff.
Tampa Bay vs. Buffalo
I'll take Buffalo, for no reason other than pity.
Seattle vs. San Fransisco
Here's a game nobody east of Idaho will give a shit about. Hey, magic eight ball, will Seattle win this game? "Out look points to who gives a damn." Well eight ball, you got that right. I'll take San Fransisco to win because they don't cry about superbowl loses FOUR YEARS LATER!!
Cleveland vs. Denver
Are you kidding? I'd pick a morgue to beat Cleveland.
Baltimore vs. San Diego
It's gonna be Baltimore in another offensive shootout. I like the way their defense played against the Chiefs. Spoke well of the Steelers chances of rocking the division. Eat that shit ESPN!
New York Giants vs. Dallas
Jerry Jones is an assclown. I'll take the Giants.
Indianapolis vs. Miami
Peyton over Pennington any day of the week. (Unless that day happens to fall on shomer shabbos. YOU DON'T FUCKING ROLL ON SHOMER SHABBOS!!)
Pittsburgh vs. Chicago
Wait...did da Bears field an entire team of vicious, man eating, mini Ditkas? What? No Ditka? Not at all? I'll take da Bears to lose a close one at home.
There you have it everyone. Take those picks to the bank.
No comments:
Post a Comment