Awe Shit, Scientific Week One Prognostications

There are many factors that analysts consider when making predictions for NFL games.  Or, at the very least, that's what they will have you believe otherwise they would end up having to work for a living...and nobody wants that.  However, with those factors in mind there is really only ONE way to properly, and scientifically, make predictions for upcoming NFL games.

Madden, of course.

My YouTube prowess has uncovered DualHazzarD2, excellent moniker by the way, a Madden overlord who has began a Franchise mode and puts all of the games on YouTube.  If he keeps on posting these for the season, I'll post all of his AFC North results and add my more than expert analysis to the video.  Let's start with the Cleveland Browns vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, mainly because I need a laugh.

Right off the bat you know it's going to be a good game when fans are tailgating in the parking lot, playing cornhole with androgynous fan markings..."Go Team!".  By the way, the Shump is a HUGE CORNHOLE CHEATER.  Moving on, this really is a match up of bottom feeders and NFL low-rents.  The Bucs finished last in their division, and of course you also have the Browns.  Enough said.  

It took the Bucs nearly the whole first quarter to put up points.  I don't see that happening this weekend.  I suspect the score will be more like 500-0 by the end of the first quarter.  The Browns followed suit and kicked a field goal.  The Bucs find the endzone again when "joyridemyass1" comes online.  Someone loves anal.  The Browns score a touchdown with forty two seconds left in the game.  This won't happen.  I don't believe they will score a touchdown all season.  The game ends with a final score of 27-10, and Josh Freeman wins the Old Spice Swagger Player of the Game Award.  Classic.  

Next up is the Cincinnati Bengals vs. New England Patriots.  I wonder if Madden can properly sim Ocho Cinco being an over-hyped assclown?  We'll see.

My first thought on this game was that Carson Palmer was wearing one VERY sharp suit.  I'm impressed.  The score is tied at seven until the Bengals kick what looks like a ten thousand yard field goal.  The score is 10-7 at that point, until Brady throws a pass the length of Massachusetts to Randal Moose.  Score is 14-10 at half time.  I could see the game going this way, but more likely it will be a higher score on both sides.  How about the commentary on the kickoff return for a touchdown?  "Uh-Oh!" and "Rumble young man, rumble.".  I love it.  The best thing the Madden franchise ever did was take out the Madden commentary.  The Patriots go on to win the game 28-21, and Randal Moose wins the Swagger Player of the Game Award.  This is the way I see the game unfolding.  The Bungles will lose. 

The Ravens game was not simulated in time to make this post.  If DualhazzarD2 finishes it in time for the Monday night game I'll put it up.

Ah, now the finale.  Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Atlanta Falcons.



HUGE DISCLAIMER...DualhazzarD2 forgot to sub out Roethlisberger for Junior Slash.  Where this omission does give a ridiculous competitive edge to Pittsburgh, I'm OK with it.  Junior Slash's skill set is closer to Roethlisberger's than Baby Face, so I'll allow it.

At 2:31 left in the first quarter Iron Mike Wallace reports the news to the Atlanta secondary and goes in for the score.  Now, in the span of two minutes the Steelers score again and the Falcons score twice?  Oh, no sir.  Not in two minutes.  Anyway, the score is tied at 14 going into the half.

Wallace begins reporting more news at the end of the third quarter with another touchdown pass.  This could happen, even with Junior Slash behind center.  Wallace is going to make us forget about Holmes this season.  Mark my words.  Back to the game, even Matt Spaeth gets a touchdown catch.  This probably happens once every fourth lunar cycle, so be sure to Tivo it.  It'll be awhile before it happens again.

Somehow the Falcons come back from a three touchdown deficit to tie the game at the end of the fourth quarter.  NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.  The defense won't be as "offensive" as last season.  But, the Steelers do close out in overtime on the toe of Quadzilla.  Game.  Steelers win and take an early lead in the division.

Cleveland Sucks