I'm the mascot, bitch. I'll rock your world with knowledge because I have it and you don't.
I'm back making my weekly picks this season after a very successful campaign last year. Here we go:
Minnesota Vikings vs. New Orleans Saints
I'm late on this one...but I had the Saints to win. However, I can't take away any points for this game this week. Side note, I love watching Brett Favre lose.
Saints
Cleveland Bottomfeeders vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Seriously? No contest as the Bucs go on to win to the fashion of 219-(-3). Yeah, that's a negative score. A new rule was passed by the NFL last year that states that the Bottomfeeders automatically start at negative ten each game until the quit and kill themselves.
Buccaneers
Miami Dolphins vs. Buffalo Bills
There really isn't a contest here either as Ronny Brown and Ricky Williams run wild all over Buffalo. The only thing that will make me pay attention is C.J. Spiller. He's suppose to be exciting, and I like being excited.
Dolphins
Cincinnati Bengals vs. New England Patriots
This is the game where the Queen City (very apt by the way) realizes that a first place schedule is harder than the bottomfeeding schedule they've been playing for YEARS. I'm giving this to the Patriots, although I wish Brady had died in a car accident.
Patriots
Indianapolis Colts vs. Houston Texans
The Texans are no longer a joke. With that admission, they still don't beat the Colts today. Peyton Manning and his commercial prowess air it out and win their season opener.
Colts
Denver Broncos vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jags suck again. They had a year where they were decent, but then let their entire defense leave during the free agency. The only thing they have going is Maurice Jones-Drew, but he alone isn't going to win this game. Maybe they should trade Jones-Drew to the Steelers in return for Baby Face. That would be incredible. The Broncos win this led by Jesus, er, Tebow.
Broncos
Oakland Raiders vs. Tennessee Titans
This game really could go either way. I would say that the Titans have less question marks than the Raiders, and based on that I'll give them the win. Plus, I'm pretty sure that Al Davis died ten years ago and they gave him the Dick Clark burial which includes mummification and reanimation.
Titans
Carolina Panthers vs. New York Giants
As much as I believe that Eli Manning is a total chode devouring bitch, I'll give the Giants the win here. At this point I'm going to the magic eight ball for all my calls.
Giants
Detroit Lions vs. Chicago Bears
The Bears spent close to ten billion dollars in free agency this past offseason, and all that loot buys them one win...this one. I'm looking forward to seeing Suh make Cutler is diabetic bitch.
Bears
Green Bay Packers vs. Philadelphia Eagles
The Packers win this one on the arm of Aaron Rodgers. However, this is the game where Kolb shows that he's not completely inept, and Philadelphia is happy to have a white quarterback again. Racists New Jerseyians.
Packers
Arizona Cardinals vs. St. Louis Rams
Ah, the battle of the inept quarterbacks. Seriously Wisenhunt, Derek Anderson? Were you never in Pittsburgh? Dumbass. I'll go out on a limb and take the Rams as their own personal Jesus, Sam Bradford, throws for two scores.
Rams
Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins
Cowboys win this one, but they are seriously over-hyped. The Redskins are probably only two or three more years of free agency deals away from moderate relevancy.
Cowboys
San Francisco 49ers vs. Seattle Seahawks
I prefer to call this matchup the "Who Gives a Shit Bowl". If you don't live on the west coast, then is game never happens and these teams don't exist. The 49ers probably win this supposed matchup and Pete Carroll begins to wish that he had stay in college.
49ers
Baltimore Ravens vs. New York Jets
Ravens win here...and put up lots of points. I hate the Jets, and I don't even know why.
Ravens
San Diego Chargers vs. Kansas City Chiefs
I actually met a Chiefs fan the other day. Funny, I didn't think there were any. There probably won't be any after this beat down.
Chargers
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Atlanta Falcons
The defense comes out in force and takes care of business...T.C.O.B. Polamalu et. al will make Matt Ryan look like Sweet D out there as the Steelers win a close one on the arm of Junior Slash.
Steelers
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