1. Click on this link to read the article for yourself.
2. Allow me to dissect it for you.
Good choice. Stick with my superior literary prowess. Let's get started.
Tony starts with outlining the terrible Steelers' off-season, in bulleted fashion none the less, and brings up points you might not have heard of already. Points like...Ben Roethlisberger's summer time penis romps, the Santonio Holmes trade, the end of Willie Colon's season, and Pouncey's recent issues (to which he will be found innocent). Impressive research capability Tony. If it weren't for your EXTREME aptitude for investigative journalism, I might have had to listen to a conversation between ANYONE IN PITTSBURGH/CLEVELAND/BALTIMORE/CINCINNATI. Tool. Let me illustrate my thoughts on Tony Grossi in iconic form:
Yeah...that's Microsoft Word Clipart. A shitbag like this does not deserve an actual photo. Other options were:
Tony the Cleveland Plain Dealer employee (joke) continues on in his blockbuster expose on the Steelers to say that Roethlisberger is going to miss a minimum of four games to begin the season and that Byron Leftwich will be replacing him at quarterback. This is what he has to say about it specifically:
"Roethlisberger may have his suspension lifted after four games. In his place, I'm a huge chode devourer by the way, the Steelers plan to use Byron Leftwich, who appeared in five games for them in their most recent Super Bowl year. Most recent Super Bowl year? -Jealous- I'd settle for the Browns not losing 10 games in a season. Leftwich was immobile when he was 24 -- six years ago. His effectiveness behind an offensive line in disrepair is a huge question mark. Although there is no question as to the delectablility of his ass."
I swear to God I didn't add anything there...it was a straight copy paste from Grossi's column. I'd like to address Tony the Tool's comment about Leftwich. Immobile six years ago? Agree. Was he ever marketed as a mobile quarterback? Disagree. Leftwich never tried to make plays on the run, he's not that type of quarterback. And sorry Tony the Tool, I forgot that Jake Delhomme was the next coming of Fran Freaking Tarkington. You sir, are an assclown.
Tony the Tool also offers up to his readers a very, very specific outlook on the 2010 season. His prediction:
2010 outlook: Back to the Pack.
What the hell does that mean, assclown? I certainly hope you don't consider the Browns to be part of that pack. This is where they fall:
Steelers, then "The Pack", then a pile of dog shit, then the Browns...and it's really not even this close.
I have been waiting for the correct opportunity to bring back the McNulty Gaping Vagina of the Week Award which received mixed reviews from last year. Official congratulations to Tony the Tool for being the Off-Season's Biggest Gaping Vagina! (It probably would have gone to Ruthlessvaginarompingberger, but that just didn't seem appropriate.) So I guess I am wrong about one of the steadfast beliefs in my entire life...someone from Cleveland CAN win something. Congratulations Tony the Tool on this tremendous status symbol.
You deserve this award Triple "T".
I'm going to do Triple "T" a HUGE favor too. I'm not only giving his this prestigious award, but I'm also going to make him a personality here on Stillersblog. Everybody, please put your hands together for the "Triple T Moment of the Game" where Tony will announce the biggest tool in each upcoming game. Image to follow.
My rant is almost over. It's not that this shit-sleeze said anything that was true (or already written and reported TO DEATH), it's more just that the pot sure as hell isn't going to call the kettle black on my watch.
End rant, and as always, Cleveland Sucks.
Glad to see you're back, oh how I missed these columns.
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