Tuesday, July 27, 2010

StillersBlog has the Solution to the Steelers' QB Woes

I'm getting tired of reading everyone and their sister's comments on what the Steelers should do at quarterback next season.  It's gotten to the point where I think I need to put in my two cents and end the argument once and for all.

The Steelers have reportedly two options for the first 4-6 games, sorry Charlie, in either Leftwich or Dixon.  Now, everyone say what Dixon did against the Ravens defense last year, and if it wasn't for a shitty break he would have won that game.  We all know what Byron is bringing to the table when he stepped in during their '08 Super Bowl run.  HOWEVER, there is a third option that no one is considering and I have no idea why.

Bring back Bubby Brister. Come on Pittsburgh.  Let's get a campaign started to "Bring Back the Bub!!"  This is what his Wikipedia page has to say about his career in Pittsburgh:

Pittsburgh sports writers and Steelers fans often made jokes about Brister's southern accent and perceived lack of sophistication, traits that were similarly mocked in Brister's predecessor, Terry Bradshaw. In a similar vein, his name was often misspoken. In a 1999 Sports Illustrated article, Brister cited "Bubba Brewster" and "Bobby Blister" as common manglings, and online his name often appears as "Bubba Brister".
One of Brister's famous quotes came after a 1991 game between the Houston Oilers and Pittsburgh Steelers. Pittsburgh was getting blown out, and coach Chuck Noll wanted to pull starter Neil O'Donnell and replace him with Brister to finish the hopeless game. Brister replied "I don't mop up for anybody."
Brister played for the Steelers for seven years, several of them as the regular starter at quarterback. In 1992, new Steelers head coach Bill Cowher chose backup quarterback Neil O'Donnell over Brister, essentially ending his career as a starting player for the Steelers.

This is just what Pittsburgh needs right now, a quarterback with moxie.  Yeah, he doesn't mop up for anybody GOD-DAMMIT!  (Except right now because he probably works as a janitor.)  Can he not monitor his own Wikipedia page?  I've never seen a "dictionary" shit on someone so badly. 

Anyway, what Brister does come without is controversy.  In fact, for some reason SCORE, the company that produced his football card, saw fit way back in 1989 to add in a section to attest to the Bub's character.  Take a look:

To date Bubby Brister has zero, repeat, ZERO career rapes.  I'm not sure why SCORE put it on there, but they have tremendous foresight.  I'm so convinced that this is the Year of the Bub, I'm buying his card.  I mean, it's got to be the ultimate in investments.  When the Bub comes from the unknown (or a gas station on I-80) to lead the Steelers to their seventh Super Bowl this card is going to be worth thousands.  By the way, here is the invoice of my purchase to prove to you doubters what a true fan does:

This is my plan to get Bubby back.  I'm going to an 18 year old high school quarterback and hire him to coach me as is advertised on his website.  Now, unfortunately I just spent all of my spare funds on acquiring his rookie card...so I need someone to give me $200.  All I need is an hour to prove to him that he's the answer to all of our woes.  

Holy shit, I just saw, again on his website, that I can send him my card and he'll autograph it for FREE!!  Just think what that will do to the resale value after he breaks every single season passing record.

More pictures to come when my investment actually gets here.  Also, I'll keep everyone informed on the status of the signing process.  If I don't make 100,000% profit on reselling this I'll be sorely disappointed.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Mobile App Coming Soon

Alright...I just bought a Droid X.  This phone is incredible.  It does everything.  It made me dinner last night.  In fact, the only time this phone has left my hand is when I've been sleeping, and only because I accidentally dropped it in my sleep.  SO, it's obvious that I need to develop a StillersBlog mobile app so I can check up on my own greatness everywhere I go.  Watch out world, it's coming soon...and I know all of my Asian readers are pumped.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I've Officially Found the Dumbest Ass in ah-MER-i-kah

Many congratulations to Tony Grossi, sportswriter for the Cleveland Plain Dealer.  Are there sports in Cleveland?  LeBron used to play some pick up games there, but didn't he move away for work?  Anyway, Tony wrote an article today entitled "Pittsburgh Steelers are on a steady decline: Tony Grossi's AFC North Preview".  I'll now give you two choices...

1.  Click on this link to read the article for yourself.
2.  Allow me to dissect it for you.

Good choice.  Stick with my superior literary prowess.  Let's get started.

Tony starts with outlining the terrible Steelers' off-season, in bulleted fashion none the less, and brings up points you might not have heard of already.  Points like...Ben Roethlisberger's summer time penis romps, the Santonio Holmes trade, the end of Willie Colon's season, and Pouncey's recent issues (to which he will be found innocent).  Impressive research capability Tony.  If it weren't for your EXTREME aptitude for investigative journalism, I might have had to listen to a conversation between ANYONE IN PITTSBURGH/CLEVELAND/BALTIMORE/CINCINNATI.  Tool.  Let me illustrate my thoughts on Tony Grossi in iconic form:
Yeah...that's Microsoft Word Clipart.  A shitbag like this does not deserve an actual photo.  Other options were:
Tony the Cleveland Plain Dealer employee (joke) continues on in his blockbuster expose on the Steelers to say that Roethlisberger is going to miss a minimum of four games to begin the season and that Byron Leftwich will be replacing him at quarterback.  This is what he has to say about it specifically:

"Roethlisberger may have his suspension lifted after four games.  In his place, I'm a huge chode devourer by the way, the Steelers plan to use Byron Leftwich, who appeared in five games for them in their most recent Super Bowl year.  Most recent Super Bowl year?  -Jealous-  I'd settle for the Browns not losing 10 games in a season.  Leftwich was immobile when he was 24 -- six years ago.  His effectiveness behind an offensive line in disrepair is a huge question mark.  Although there is no question as to the delectablility of his ass."

I swear to God I didn't add anything there...it was a straight copy paste from Grossi's column.  I'd like to address Tony the Tool's comment about Leftwich.  Immobile six years ago?  Agree.  Was he ever marketed as a mobile quarterback?  Disagree.  Leftwich never tried to make plays on the run, he's not that type of quarterback.  And sorry Tony the Tool, I forgot that Jake Delhomme was the next coming of Fran Freaking Tarkington.  You sir, are an assclown.  

Tony the Tool also offers up to his readers a very, very specific outlook on the 2010 season.  His prediction:

2010 outlook: Back to the Pack.

What the hell does that mean, assclown?  I certainly hope you don't consider the Browns to be part of that pack.  This is where they fall:

Steelers, then "The Pack", then a pile of dog shit, then the Browns...and it's really not even this close.

I have been waiting for the correct opportunity to bring back the McNulty Gaping Vagina of the Week Award which received mixed reviews from last year.  Official congratulations to Tony the Tool for being the Off-Season's Biggest Gaping Vagina!  (It probably would have gone to Ruthlessvaginarompingberger, but that just didn't seem appropriate.)  So I guess I am wrong about one of the steadfast beliefs in my entire life...someone from Cleveland CAN win something.  Congratulations Tony the Tool on this tremendous status symbol.
You deserve this award Triple "T".

I'm going to do Triple "T" a HUGE favor too.  I'm not only giving his this prestigious award, but I'm also going to make him a personality here on Stillersblog.  Everybody, please put your hands together for the "Triple T Moment of the Game" where Tony will announce the biggest tool in each upcoming game.  Image to follow.

My rant is almost over.  It's not that this shit-sleeze said anything that was true (or already written and reported TO DEATH), it's more just that the pot sure as hell isn't going to call the kettle black on my watch.

End rant, and as always, Cleveland Sucks.


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Pouncey (My Man Crush) Under Investigation

After only days of admitting my complete homerism for Maurkice Pouncey he makes me eat it in a big way, and not in the complete homerism way. Pouncey is the center (HA! A pun exists.) of an investigation by the University of Florida and the NCAA after an allegation that he received $100,000 from a sport agent's representative before the Gator's Sugar Bowl victory over Cincinnati last season. "We were made aware of some information in early June that we reported to law enforcement, and we then shared with the NCAA and the SEC," said Jeremy Foley, the AD at Florida. "At this time, we have no information that has indicted that there are any compliance issues for the University of Florida."

I'm going to take the standpoint that Pouncey is innocent because athletes at odds with the law, and pending investigation, have never let me down. Ben. HOWEVER, let's assume for a second that these claims are true. I have only one question then. You get paid $100,000 AND become a first round draft pick in the NFL and this is the best you can do?
Seriously? I can now understand why you made out with your brother on TV. Does anyone else think she looks a little like Rodney Dangerfield? You know, post Caddyshack when he REALLY started drinking and got all bloated and disgusting? Maybe this will jog your memory:

Eh, she don't get no respect...from me at least.

Here's where I defend. Let's take a look at the credibility of the source. Presently we have been pelted with accusations against Ruthlessvaginarompingberger (nickname in progress), but they were all first hand accounts...or at the very least the completely drunk friends. This tip was supplied to the University of Florida via an anonymous letter...or as it is also known, the benchmark for credibility. And where did this mysterious postage hail from? Yeah, CANADA.

If there is one country on the face of this Earth known for their despicable lies and lifestyles it's Canada. Let me show you the depths of depravity that our neighbors to the north tolerate:

1. Canadian Bacon is ham...clearly a lie.
2. Ozzy Osburne said, "Canada is dull, boring, and I cannot wait to get through it when touring."
3. Shania Twain, Celine Dion, and Avril Lavigne are all Canadian.
4. French...Canadians. Enough said.
5. Great healthcare they have up there...the mortality rate is 100% eventually.
6. Mounties? Really? You can't afford a car?
7. Nice flag. We use leaves to wipe down here in America. (Pronounced ah-MER-ka) THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!!!! but yours float away with a soft breeze.
8. Canadians have no culture. They are U.S. Part II while simultaneously ridiculing ah-MER-ka in the process.
9. I'd rather drink I.C. Light than LaBatt Blue. Well, if only to make a point.
10. This was a real headline from the CBC, "Canada - The fight for the right to die". I hope they won.

Alright, to get back on track and finish a thought here: I have a feeling that this whole story is garbage. This anonymous Canadian stated that they had photographic evidence of a runner going between Pouncey's brother and an agent. Well, I don't believe that evidence was included in the letter. Good work. Also, for that agent to get convicted on any charges it would require the Canadian to testify in court as to the validity of the photographs. All I'll need to do is show the judge the list above and that will debase all Canadian credibility (an oxymoron).

This will undoubtedly drag out for a bit because there is not a ton of things going on in the sports world right now. Maukice, don't worry, ah-MER-ka has your back. (He celebrates by kissing his brother...again.)

Cleveland Sucks.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Superbowl Coming to Pittsburgh?

This is not a post discussing the possibilities of the Steelers making it to the Superbowl. That goes without question. No, this is going to be about the city of Pittsburgh landing a cold-weather Superbowl much like those Jersey teams did this year.

According to the Trib, Joe McGrath, president of Visit Pittsburgh, thinks he can pull it off. I'd have to agree, he's the same guy who helped Pittsburgh nail the 2006 All-Star Game, the 2011 NHL Winter Classic (which I desperately want tickets for), the 2012 NCAA men's basketball tournament opening rounds, and the 2013 Frozen Four. Yeah, he has the credentials. Seems like he can nail anything. I know someone in Pittsburgh that could benefit from this wisdom. No need to call anyone out here.

So what are the roadblocks?

First, apparently the fans are not important anymore, and corporate entertainment is a BIG deal. Well, people think that you can only entertain these big cats when its warm outside. However, every strip club I've ever been to has been heated (with the exception of one outside of DuBois, Pa.). There. Problem solved. PLUS, there's a casino right across the freakin street. Someone might as well go there but the strip club seems like a more professional venue.

I've heard that transportation infrastructure, i.e. airports that can handle the traffic, adequate transportation to and from the stadium, hotels and other hospitality structures in the vicinity of the stadium, are a must. WELL, the airport's fine. It's an airport with an amazing statue:

Transportation? HA! Is there an easier city to navigate in the winter, as a visitor, and probably a drunk visitor than Pittsburgh? I certainly doubt it. Maybe Cleveland, but only because nobody can afford a car there.

As for hospitality, all I need to say is the Jerome Bettis Grille 36. End of story. Does it get more hospitable than this staff of waiters?

Well, Eddie George is not really a waiter. He gives out hand jobs in the back parking lot just to get a glimpse at a Superbowl ring.

I say bring on the Superbowl. It's about time Pittsburgh got a chance to class it up. As a summation here is a list of things that you would most definitely see at a Pittsburgh Superbowl:

1. Kitchen chairs in every parking space outside of Heinz Field.
2. More mullets than an ACDC concert.
3. More ACDC shirts than an ACDC concert.
4. All bathrooms are now moved into the basement of the stadium.
5. Official beer sponsor somehow becomes I.C. Light.
6. Roethlisberger giving tours of the inside of his van to any lucky (completely inebriated) teenage girl.
7. Blaze orange camouflage.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Some All Important Thoughts on the Draft

Before I thrown down knowledge like Andy Samberg throws all shit down:

watch this ten minute highlight reel of almost all of the Steelers 2010 draft picks.

First of all, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony is never a bad choice for any occasion which requires music...parties, roller rinks, weddings, funerals...perfect choice sir.

Here are some thoughts about the picks. I'm a complete Pouncey homer. I'll admit it. Can you really blame me for being excited? Who were the other two centers to get drafted in the first round by the Steelers? A couple of shmoes named Webster and Dawson...and we all know how badly they sucked. I'm hoping Pouncey can improve the first round center image in Pittsburgh. I'm pumped to have him in town even though he made out with his brother after being drafted:

(That close of a family should commute from somewhere in Ohio.)

Second round pick Worilds should be very good. If you watched his clips he didn't get to the quarterback very often, but what should be taken away from the video is that he was commonly commanding double teams and still almost got to the QB. He did this through a combination of speed and power that is akin to...say...Woodley? I'm not going to get ahead of myself with this guy, just saying he is showing some excellent potential.

Worilds gets overshadowed, however, by Stephenson Sylvester. (This guy should get his full name on the back of his jersey.) Skip to seven minutes in and watch this guy. He's fast. He hits. He commands attention at the line. I believe he's going to make an impact this year. I've been wrong before, I think, but this linebacker out of Utah is going to be good. He looks like the most promising LB drafted, which also includes fourth round pick Taddeus Gibson from Ohio State.

Gibson shows up around five minutes into the video. He looks big and fast. He's also "The Real Deal", just look at his arm.

Third round pick Emmanuel Sanders looks like a next year's version of Mike Wallace. He's small, quick, and can get down the field. The problem here is I don't expect him to make the same impact that Wallace made last year from the slot. First, Holmes is gone, and his presence really took a lot of heat off of Wallace. Second, the Steelers have a lot of veteran experience in the receiving corps, so it might make it difficult for Sanders to break into the lineup. Return man is always a possibility for young receivers, but Stefan Logan is still around. I like Sanders though, and he'll be a real asset in two to three years.

Fifth round pick Chris Scott from Tennessee is a solid "offensive" tackle, but traditionally lineman don't bust into the starting lineup in Pittsburgh. (Watch Pouncey change that.) Scott looks solid, and will take a couple of years to develop.

The other fifth round pick not covered yet is CB Crezdon Butler. I can't tell much from his highlights in the video, mainly because it was the same one from three to four different angles. The Steelers needed help at CB, got McFadden back, and added Butler to the mix. He'll work out because Townshend can't stick around forever.

There wasn't much on Antonio Brown or Doug Worthington, and I don't believe they are going to make the team. Worthington especially considering the fact that, while he was drafted as a DE, most likely they'll try to convert him to linebacker considering his size. If that's the case, well, the Steelers already drafted three other ones this year alone.

Finally, that leaves Jonathan Dwyer, running back from Georgia Tech. Here is a special highlight all his own. Forgive the terrible music.

Watch his plays around two minutes against Duke. OK, it is DUKE, but seriously, he just dragged the entire defense and half of Duke's coaching staff for ten yards. This guy's got power, speed, and apparently A.D.D. He tested for amphetamines right before the draft, and his stock plummeted. He was considered a top 3 back, but fell to the Steelers in the sixth round at pick 188. His loss, my gain. I don't feel bad...I was probably paying more attention to the draft than he was. The Steelers see him as the short yardage back that Frank "The Disappointment, er, Tank" couldn't be. He'll definitely make the team, let's just hope he doesn't get stuck at fullback like every other freaking RB they've drafted with the exception of Mendenhall.

There's my two cents. I'm glad all you people now know at least that much about football.

Forbes.com has a hard-on for Pittsburgh

Forbes magazine has a deeply entrenched love affair with the city of Pittsburgh. Forbes has Pittsburgh listed as:

#1 most affordable place to buy a home in America
#1 most livable city in America
#7 best city in America to raise a family
#12 best hospital in America - UPMC
#1 best place to get drunk and go into a punch-dancing rage

(One of these is made up.)

Coincidentally Forbes also has a listing for Cleveland:

#2 shittiest place in the universe (They can't be #1 in anything!! It must suck to live in the #2 armpit of the universe.)

Can't say as I'd disagree.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

2010...The Reunion Tour

Tomlin gets a three year contract extension...I can't argue with that. Some people are hating the move but those are also probably the same people who think Rick Astley is the greatest gift to music (clearly it's Prince...dumbasses). Tomlin has won a Superbowl, never had a losing season, his wife is a model, and most importantly I don't think anyone can throw crazy eyes during press conferences like he can.

I trust the Rooney family here. I think all you need to do is point to their track record for never firing anybody and you could consider the head coaching position for the Steelers the NFL equivalent of a government job...good for life. But seriously, since the Steelers hired Tomlin, only three coaches have more wins, and only one has more wins and more playoff appearances.

Bill Bellichick : 37-11 : CHEATER
Wade Phillips : 33-15 : CHOKE ARTIST
Norv Turner : 32-16 : SEE DIRECTLY ABOVE

(However, if you want Norv Turner leading your team in the playoffs you must hate the Superbowl.) Tomlin is an elite coach, no doubt about it.

I am getting pretty excited for the upcoming season which I have completely originally dubbed "The Reunion Tour". I know all of my Asian friends are excited as well. What I'm really happy about is that now my Foot, Randle-El, and McFadden jerseys are worth something again, and I know I'm not the only one. Let's just hope the addition of these returning rockstars shores up a special teams unit that sucked more dick than Tom Brady last season. (The over/under stands at 232 chodes, by the way.)

What else? Oh yeah, there was a draft...AND THE STEELERS FINALLY DRAFTED A LINEMAN WORTH A DAMN!!!! Over the next couple of days I'll do a small piece on each draft pick and tell you exactly how they will fare this season since I know everything about football. I'm just really excited to see Pouncey in there...nothing tastes worse in my mouth than a safety commited by some douchebag who's holding in the endzone. I won't say any names, but he looks a lot like this:

That's all for now. I'll delve into football greatness at a later time.

Cleveland Sucks...and thanks LeBron.

StillersBlog Average size in America...HUGE in Asia

You see all of those Asian comments after every post? Well my friends...StillersBlog went INTERNATIONAL! That's clearly not spam of any type...Asians love my literary prowess.