Sunday, October 25, 2009

10 Reasons why Brett Favre should die

Before I get to the preview of the Vikings game, let's do a quick recap of last weeks game. Well, the ball was kicked off, and Cleveland had no chance of winning. Alright, now with that out of the way...Big Ben is amazing. It's only a matter of time before someone starts a religious movement in Pittsburgh geared towards the divine exploits of St. Roethlisberger. After all, look to the picture on the left. Ben just cured that kid of polio. Yeah, he's that good. Seriously though, so far this season he has thrown 10 touchdowns, 6 interceptions, passed for 1887 yards and has a quarterback rating of 104.5. BUT, the biggest number this season is a 72.5 completion percentage. Ben is on track towards not only a probowl, but I believe that he seriously deserves to be considered for the league MVP. Obviously he'll never win it because Drew Brees is also tearing shit up, and because Tom Brady is a classless bitch and throws six touchdowns in a game against the second worse team in the league, but for Ben to at least be in the discussion would be great.

Talking about classless pieces of shit...hello Tom Brady and Bill Bellichick. Two years ago these two homers ran the score up on everyone on their way to a Superbowl LOSS to the Giants. Karma visited Tom Brady in the form of a destroyed knee the next year. I'm glad to see that they have learned their lesson. I hope karma visits both Bellichick and Brady this year in terms of a lightning bolt to the face. Bitches. I also love how everyone is saying, "Oh, the Patriots are back. Superbowl bound!" Hey New England, you still have no defense and no running game. Oh, and you played the Titans last week with the Buccaneers visiting this week.

With all that Patriots hating, they are not recipients of the Gaper Award this week, even if they deserve it. I'm giving that to Eric Mangini.

Sorry everybody...I'll have to finish later. I clearly waited too long to start, and now I have to leave for the game. StillerJack called me and gave me his picks this week:

Green Bay
San Fransisco
San Diego
New England
New York Jets
New Orleans
New York Giants

and Cleveland is on a bye week, so they lose even more league wide respectability. Actually they didn't have any left, so they just lose. That's what losers do.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Quadzilla a kop killa!

Jeff "Quadzilla" Reed is back in the papers for being a complete badass. The biggest party sensation to ever have hit the North Shore, is rocking Cleveland as if it weren't a cesspool. Actually, Zilla was just watching out for Spaeth's back! Read the police report below:

Police responded to an unrelated incident at McFadden's, a North Shore bar and restaurant across a parking lot from Heinz Field, around 9 p.m., [police Sargent Tina] Davidson said. While there, officers spotted a man urinating outside a white sport utility vehicle and began to give the man — identified as Steelers tight end Matt Spaeth — a ticket when Reed exited the vehicle, Davidson said.

"The officers told him several times to get back in the vehicle, but he did not listen," Davidson said. "Mr. Reed then squared up with an officer by bringing his fists up."

Officers tackled Reed and cuffed him at the scene, Davidson said.

"He smelled of a strong odor of alcohol and appeared to be intoxicated," Davidson said.

The fault here belongs to Spaeth for three reasons:

1. Everyone knows that you take a piss in the back alley. Are you kidding Matt? Was that your first time peeing in public? You can even go straight Dumb and Dumber style and piss into a bottle in your white SUV.

2. You took the last person on the Steelers roster that I would want to back me up at a bar or intimidate some cops. Good lord, from all the intimidating sons-of-bitches on that team, your back up is Quadzilla? Take Sepulveda, that guy is freaking built. He also does this:

(He's the punter people.)

3. You were parting with Jeff Reed. Let's just take a look at a collection of photos relating to the parting habits of Jeff Reed:

Alright, here's Zilla at the bar, no big deal. It's probably just really hot in can probably tell by the profuse amount of sweat rolling off that bitches face.

Okay, wearing a shirt. Good start. Hanging out with more skanky blondes, understandable. These girls look smart though, like strippers who only turn tricks until they get into law school smart.

Well, I see nothing as changed in regards to whom you hang out with. Oh look, disgustingly sweaty bitch has brought over her "we're not just doing this to get our pictures in the paper" friends. Again, a mentally sharp looking crew. I also think you being on is a bit of a stretch. Maybe, but definitely not

That is a pretty freaking sweet Pauley Shore impression though...I'll give you that.

No, seriously Pauley, someone is trying to impersonate you. Congratulations, you've made it as a star.

Here he is apparently rocking out a barn. Check the wall behind him, that's definitely plywood. At least he's making up with the poor choice in venue with an excellent choice in pose...showing the number of fieldgoals he's gonna miss in two games...classic. Luckily he was off by one.

Now the bastard's just cock-blocking.

Seriously Spaeth, this guy was your choice? Dumbass. I bet that nobody knows that Zilla was originally a muppet.

Who parties in Cleveland anyway?

Sunday, October 18, 2009

StillerJack is better than you

That title statement is...fact. I am better. Better than anyone at ESPN. Check out how the "experts" compare against me here. Now, I appreciate I've missed a week. BUT, my per week average is 10 wins and four losses. Add that to my total thus far of 45-17...and it makes my record 55-21. Follow the link just to see where that puts me against the "experts". Enough said.

Cincinnati v Houston
The Bengals don't blow as much ass as I have always thought. Bungles.

Detroit v Green Bay
Larry Foote is a whining bitch. He slips on his tears all day on the way to another dominating six tackle day. MVP anyone? Green Bay.

Baltimore v Minnesota
Here is a good matchup. Not sure which way to go on this one. I'll support the AFC north and go Baltimore because Brett Favre is a whore.

New Orleans v New York Giants
I'm taking Drew Brees until he proves me wrong. Saints.

Carolina v Tampa Bay
As much as I've always hated Jon Gruden, the Bucs are worse without him. Carolina.

Kansas City v Washington
I'm taking the Chiefs in what really should not be considered an upset. Washington blows, K-City rolls.

St Louis v Jacksonville
Good day to be a Jaguar fan. Unfortunately, there aren't any. I'll pick them regardless.

Arizona v Seattle
I'll take Arizona to win. Why? Not sure. I don't really care what happens in the NFC West, along with the rest of the planet.

Philadelphia v Oakland
The pride of New Jersey rolls again. Philly.

Tennesse v New England
Patriots fans are the most fair weather fans I've ever met. Can't wait until the playoffs when they are one and done, if they make it at all. However, I can't pick the Titans with a straight face. Pats.

Buffalo v New York Jets
After the serious egg Buffalo laid against the Bottomfeeders, I don't think I'll ever pick them to win again. Jets.

Chicago v Atlanta
I am still pissed at Quadzilla. Atlanta.

San Diego v Denver
I'll take Denver. Their defense looked good against the Patriots, and Kyle Orton will be able to move the ball on the Chargers.

Cleveland v Pittsburgh
Come on now. Seriously.

Preview of Steelers v Browns

I've decided to change up the format for weekly posts. Due to the fact that I'm incredibly late on getting posts up, I'm now going to preview the upcoming game instead of recap. There are a few things to cover before that though.

Aaron Smith has been put on injured reserve and is now lost for the season. As a reactionary move the Steelers have signed Ra'Shon Harris to the team. You may remember him as a low round draft pick who didn't make the team this season. First round pick Ziggy Hood is sure to see an increase in playing time along with defensive ends Nick Eason and Travis Kirschke. Kirschke is not a bad backup as he's been splitting time with Smith for the last two seasons. Zig should look pretty good today...against the Bottomfeeders.

Yeah, he's back! Now it's time for the 4th best defense in the league to step it up a notch. The return of Troy will make up for the loss of Aaron Smith...I hope. Anyway, against the Cleveland Bottomfeeders the Steelers could start the roster for the Pittsburgh Passion. It would still be a blowout, those ladies are tough. Much tougher than doctor Brady Quinn, medicine woman.

Also back this week is Willie Parker. If the Steelers don't start Rashard Mendenhall regardless of Parker's return, I may blow up the Clemente bridge. Mendenhall has shown some serious skill the past two weeks, and to bench him now that he's going up against arguably the worst team in the history of ANY sport, well that's just silly. Parker seems to be the only one who doesn't see the writing on the wall. CONTRACT YEAR, Willie, CONTRACT YEAR.

After last weeks victory against the Lions, there was really only ONE person who deserved the Gaper Award. Hello Larry Foote.
Larry held a press conference to thank everybody for winning this award.

Foote was caught saying that he was going to make the Steelers "Sorry for what happened." Really Larry? Well, how did he do you might wonder? Six tackles. Ouch Larry, you were right, we are sorry. It really was just "the politics of the game" that sent you out of Pittsburgh. After all, there was Lawrence Timmons, a first round pick, sitting on the bench. Obviously the coaching staff was going to play him, whether or not he was better than you, Larry. How did Timmons fair against your team? Five tackles...and a sack. Oh, maybe he will be better than you. Bitch.

Now on to the grand finale. A preview of today's game against the bitchboys of the NFL. Last week we witnessed a solid victory against a substandard opponent. Do not expect that trend to change today. Cleveland is a pathetic 1-4, and only won last week because the Bills played possibly the worst game I've ever seen in my entire life. (Correction, I didn't actually watch the game. I would have rather ripped my eyes out with a spork.) Cleveland has two quarterbacks, both of whom are not worth a shit. They just traded away their star receiver to the Jets, probably for nothing more than a couple of Bon Jovi tickets. Needless to say I don't expect a hard fought victory today, but more a complete domination from start to finish. I can't wait.

Cleveland will lose, and lose big.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Time for my weekly picks again. If any of you want to put money down, let me know because I'm on a freakin' roll.

Here we go.

Cincinnati v Baltimore
The only reason Cincy beat Pittsburgh was the poor showing of Quadzilla. Baltimore rolls.

Cleveland v Buffalo
Seriously, I'm gonna pick Cleveland to lose on their bye week. Buffalo sucks less in this contest of futility.

Washington v Carolina
PANTHERS baby! Washington is looking like solid shit.

Dallas v Kansas City
Wow, is this game going to be non-competitive. Dallas.

Oakland v New York Giants
Wow, is this game going to be non-competitive. Dallas. Oops, deja vu. Giants.

Tampa Bay v Philadelphia
I'm taking the pride of New Jersey, Philadelphia.

Minnesota v St. Louis
Does the schedule get any better for the Rams? Minnesota.

Atlanta v San Francisco
Let's hope Matt Ryan doesn't choke like he did against the Pats. Atlanta.

Houston v Arizona
Here is a possible shootout. I'm taking Arizona because I have Kurt Warner on my fantasy team and it's about time he stops sucking so much ass.

New England v Denver
I'll take Denver in the upset because Bellichick is Satan.

Jacksonville v Seattle
Here is a game that would never sell out. Wow, east coast versus west coast, and nobody anywhere gives a shit. Flipped a coin, Jacksonville.

Indianapolis v Tennessee
How's that karma Titans? Indy.

New York Jets v Miami

Pittsburgh v Detroit
Come on now. Pittsburgh wins BIG. Larry Foote cries like a bitch.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Steelers hold on against Chargers

I've kind have been avoiding writing this for awhile because I couldn't find anyone to give the coveted McNulty award to. I was considering giving it to the ENTIRE defense for yet another fourth quarter meltdown, but decided to ease up on the boys. With the probable return of Polamalu I'll go easy on them. Everyone on the Chargers kept their damn mouths shut, so I couldn't give it to any of them. Then, the Cleveland Browns gift wrapped one for me. BUT, I'll recap the game first.

DAMN, the "less-offensive" line looked good against San Diego. Also, how about the play of Rashard Mendenhall? Anyone who watches the games with me knows that I've been pulling for more playing time for him all season. Let RM start and this is what happens, 29 rushes for 165 yards and two touchdowns. He led the league in rushing last week. Expect to see a similar result this week as Parker is in no hurry to get his ass back on the field. I believe I called out this scenario with the very first post of this blog. Parker better realize soon that while he has been the starting runningback in Pittsburgh for the last couple of years, if Mendenhall continues playing at the level his is, Parker is GONE.

By the way, I wrote that entire last bit while listening to this:

Now, I would like to thank the Cleveland Browns for giving me someone to give the coveted Big Gaper award to this week. This week Browns "star" wide receiver Braylon Edwards was in the news for being investigated for punching out some club owner. This owner just happens to be a close, personal friend of LeBron James. You can probably guess then, that Edwards was in deep shit. Well, the "city" of Cleveland did Edwards a HUGE favor by trading him to the New York Jets. If I were Edwards, I would have punched out everyone in the "city" a long time ago just to see where it got me. Edwards does not get the McNulty Award though. I am giving that award to the cesspool currently known as Cleveland.
Cleveland Sucks.

Braylon Edwards, good luck with your career because only now do you have one.

As a final aside I would like to point out that StillerJack is freaking dominating with his picks this year. He didn't get his picks in on time for week one, but since week two he is 33-13. This not even two-year-old knows his shit. Impressive.

Larry Foote regrets being born this week.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

StillerJack's Week Four Picks

Okay, last week was a little rough. I went 10-6 after a 12-4 record the week before...time to turn it around.

Detroit v Chicago
THEY WON A GAME!!!!! BUT, they lose to da Bears.

Cincinnati v Cleveland
Cincinnati. I think I'm going to pick Cleveland to lose on their bye week. An entire city of losers. Come on LeBron, move to NY so I can be a fan!

Oakland v Houston
JaMarcus Russell is easily the worst starting quarterback in the league. This is what Al Davis deserves. Houston.

Seattle v Indianapolis
Peyton singlehandedly destroyed the Cardinals last week. Seattle wore possibly the worlds ugliest uniforms last week. People in Seattle are whinning bitches...Indianapolis.

Tennessee v Jacksonville
Tennessee is 0-3. Hey that rhymes! Tennessee will be 1-3...also a rhyme, no big deal.

New York Giants v Kansas City
What a joke. Giants win and Jacobs runs for 1000 yards in the game.

Baltimore v New England
Here is a good game that I'm definitely going to watch. I'm taking Baltimore and sticking it to everyone up here in Beantown.

Tampa Bay v Washington
Flipped a coin. Washington.

Buffalo v Miami
Buffalo blows so much ass. Here is a guarantee. In the next eight years they will be known as the Toronto Bills. Miami.

New York Jets v New Orleans
Two 3-0 teams. Leagues top offense vs the top defense. I'm going with New Orleans because they are at home.

Dallas v Denver
How the hell is Denver 3-0? That ends. Dallas.

St. Louis v San Fransisco
Wow, St. Louis sucks. San Francisco

Green Bay v Minnesota
Here is a game with way too much hype. Brett Favre wins, all teams lose. Minnesota.

San Diego v Pittsburgh
Here we go Steelers, here we go! Time to get back on track.

-Ohio should be flooded and turned into a great lake.-