Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I Couldn't do a Better Job

The guy who reminds me of my Uncle Tim is back again this week, and I don't think I can do a better job of summarizing the game...although I'm still going to try.

Cleveland Sucks...Hard.

Monday, November 22, 2010

I'm behind. Deal with it.

I am officially three games behind with my informative, insightful, and possibly divine comments.  So, I'll do a quick recap of the Bengals and Patriots games, then talk about the Raiders game in a second post.

The Steelers did well against the Bengals, even if they almost gave up the game at the end.  I was seeing flashbacks to last year when the defense lost every game in the fourth quarter.  However, LeBeau devised just enough stops to win the game.  One of the dynamics I liked watching was between Chad JOHNSON and Owens.  JOHNSON was held without a catch for 75% of the game, and the camera kept filming him...pouting on the sideline like a bitch.  I knew the Owens pickup for Cincinnati wouldn't work...but now I'm glad that it's killing JOHNSON inside.  He get's the Gaper Award for being completely replaceable.

Heinz Ward impressions will not make you a good football player...dumbass.

Short and sweet for the Bengals...even shorter for the Patriots.  I had the displeasure of sitting in a New England bar while simultaneously getting embarrassed thoroughly by William Gay.  I think one of the worst things about the whole situation was that every Patriots "fan" in the bar that night was a chode.  Nothing but a bunch of fleece wearing metrosexuals who were all more interested in their fantasy team's score than the actual score.  It wasn't until the end that they opened their dick receptacles and started talking shit.  Apparently they knew it was the end of the game when their fantasy stats stopped updating.  So thank you, William Gay, for playing so terribly that I had to slink out of a bar.  

 You couldn't cover a receiver with a blanket.  

Special shout out to Jeff Reed!  See you in the unemployment line.

Cleveland Sucks.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Deebo Meets with Goodell.

I was so successful in simulating the exact thoughts of both James Harrison and Roger Goodell a couple of weeks ago, I thought I owed it to the world to do it again.  Deebo recently had a meeting with Roger Goodell regarding the numerous widow makers he throws down on the football field.  I'm pretty sure that meeting went exactly like this:

Look, James.  May I call you James without you flipping shit and ripping my head off?

You sure as Hell may not.  In fact, consider yourself lucky I don't beat you down like I did that Browns fan a couple of years ago.  You can call me Captain Ass Rape.  Because that's what you've been doing to me for the past couple of years, and if you don't fix it that's what I'm going to do to you.

I'm not quite sure that I like the sound of that.  Anyway, Captain, we need to talk about your tackling and your aggressiveness today.  To put this simply, there is no room for aggressive tacklers and, in general, meanies in my NFL.  I'm trying to market the game to Europeans, so that means less hitting and eventually I'm going to enact a rule where nobody can touch the ball with their hands.  Additionally, before tackling an offensive player you must first establish that they are both ready to be tackled and also emotionally capable to withstand said tackle.


Mike, this idiot is kidding right?  Seriously, white people do not have a good sense of humor...or rhythm.  It's bad enough that I NEVER get a holding call, but when someone forgets to grab my jersey and I actually get to the ball carrier, I'm fined every time I touch them.  WHAT THE SHIT GOODELL!!!

I'm not listening, I'm not listening.  Furthermore, the pink accessories being worn for breast cancer awareness will become standard issue to every team's uniform and all players will be required to take estrogen pills.  Well, all players except for kickers.  Actually, a further exception for Jeff Reed.  He will take the pills.  The bastard tore apart all of the hand towels in my house.  Also, everyone will be required to sport an NFL approved hairstyle.  The only hairstyle permitted will be a carbon copy of my perfect quaff.

 Now just wait one god damn minute Goodell!!!  If Europeans want to watch soccer, they sure as Hell can just watch soccer.  And if you think for one second I'm going to cut my hair, you are clearly delusional.  You look like a gay version of a Ken doll.

Excuse me, but please don't lump me in with Goodell.  I'm no pussy.

Hey everyone.  I don't know what all the commotion is about, I just wanted to say something to Goodell.  I'm going to rape you.

Not even you can rape the willing.  Te he he he.

Cleveland Sucks.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Who Hired Bruce Arians?

Now on to the latest debacle.  I thought the Steelers looked really good last week.  I mean, their uniforms were spectacular and Polamalu's hair had it's glorious, million dollar sheen.  Aside from that, what the Hell?  I suppose I can't lay the loss on the defense too much.  After all, they combined for 63 tackles, 2 sacks, 6 tackles for a loss, 4 passes defended, and 7 quarterback hits.  That's not bad considering the amount of time they were on the field.  "Why were they on the field so long?" you may ask.  Why, that's an easy one.


Bruce Arians is the "Offensive" coordinator for the Pittsburgh Steelers, or as I sometimes refer to him, a football fritata.  (I promised people I'd stop using the word retarded.  Enter fritata.)  You have to be kidding me Bruce.  Here are the numbers for the Saints' defense; 58 tackles, 3 sacks, 4 tackles for a loss, 6 passes defended, and 7 quarterback hits.  The not so "offensive" line has only allowed Ben to be sacked three times in three games, until last Sunday.  "Why were there so many sacks?" you may ask.  Again, my pupil, that's an easy one.

The Saints blitzed everybody in their stadium on every single play.  Obviously this means that there would be opportunities for plays like screens, or maybe a hot route open.  After all, that's how Heinz Ward gets most of his receptions.  The answer is no, however,  For some reason Ass Arians, as seen above, continually tried to go deep.  Play after play after play after play...after play after play.  No doubt against a 100,00 person rush Roethlisberger found PLENTY of time to hold on to the ball and wait for a receiver to open up deep. Or not, I guess. 

I suppose the one thing that I hate about Arians the most is that he simply cannot adjust a game plan at half time.  What kills me is that sometimes he will scheme the opponent's defense perfectly, and everybody will say something like "See.  Don't blame Bruce Arians."  Although, the other fifty percent of the time he will do such a piss poor job in creating a game plan, see game plan against the Saints, and couple that with his extreme inability to adjust, leads to ridiculous showings that have people say something like "Bruce Arians is a football fritata."  

He better pull his head out of his ass and set up for the next game.  Seriously, who hired Bruce Arians...winner of this week's Gaper Award.

   Maybe you should spend less time wearing ridiculous hats and more time adjust a damn game plan.

Bruce Arians would probably be the greatest coach in Cleveland's history.  Sad.

New England can go to Hell

You can tell when I'm not happy about a game...because I simply do not write about it.  I really felt uneasy about the way the referees straight up Roethlisbergered the Miami Dolphins two weeks ago.  The following day I had to hear from every dick-loving Patriots fan about how the "Stealers" (a totally under used insult by the way) robbed the Dolphins and didn't deserve to win.  In fact, I still hear more about that than when they lost to the Saints last week.

The NFL backed the call, what else do you expect there?, so I'll live with it.  To be perfectly honest with you, the game should not have been that close with Pittsburgh fumbling the ball on their first two possessions.  If Miami had scored a touchdown off of one of those turnovers, then the poor call would not have mattered.  Anyway, I'm finished with this game.

Thus, New England, here is my final stance on the Dolphins game...the Steelers did not make the replay call you fleece wearing, granola munching douchebags.  Also, if one of you bastards cuts me off in traffic one more damn time...peace loving yuppie liberal heads are going to fly!  I was going to give the Gaper Award to the referees, but instead I'm going to give it to the entire state of Massachusetts.

    I can't wait for next week you assclowns.

I hate Massachusetts, but Cleveland's still the worst place in the universe.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Deebo on the Prowl

Nice work Roger Goodell, now James Harrison is really going to kill someone this week.  The only thing you've managed to accomplish is to completely piss off an already mentally unbalanced individual.  I sure wouldn't want to play offense for the Dolphins because someone is getting shanked.

I can only imagine what was going through Deebo's mind when he learned the news of getting fined a ridiculous amount of money for absolutely no reason whatsoever:

Woo, boy.  I destroyed that taint, Josh Cribbs, and leveled Massaquoi.  How do you like them apples Lewis?  They were perfectly legal hits too.  By the way, you were washed up five years ago.

What the Hell did that douchebag Goodell just say?

Uh, Goodell here.  I'm going to continue to enforce my completely inconsistent agenda here and rape you the same way I did your quarterback.  Mr. Harrison, I'm going to fine you more than anyone else even though some of their hits were obviously intentional, even to me, a condescending, hypocritical assbag .  Unfortunately, you happened to say something to the press, so I have the make an example of you regardless of whether or not it's warranted.  Enjoy the rape.

What the shit, Goodell!!  I'm tired of this bullshit.  I can't help the entire roster of the Browns is full of talentless panties that can't play football much less protect themselves out there.  I'm a man, dammit, and I'm not going to play two hand touch every time we play Cleveland.  Fuck this, I'm going to retire.

Wwwhhhaaattt????  James, for the love of God, take some time off and think about it.  I love you.

Fine.  I'll come back.  However, now I'm mega pissed and there better be a couple of ambulances at the game on Sunday, because I'm laying bitches out...starting with Goodell.

Oh shit.  Is it too late to say I'm sorry James?  I love you too!

Oh man.  That guy is about to get raped. 

That's how I imagine the whole thought process went for Deebo, Goodell, Tomlin, and Roethlisberger.  The odds are that I'm not that far off.  I'm also going to give the Gaper Award to Goodell this week for being an inconsistent, and hypocritical piece of garbage.  Congratulations, dick meat, you deserve this one.

 I hate you, Roger, and I know I'm not alone.

Cleveland Sucks.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Remember that time the Steelers embarrassed the Browns?

My only serious criticism of the Steelers was that it wasn't more of a blow out.  To me Cleveland is just not a divisional opponent, but the scum of the Earth.  I'm sure I'm not alone on that one.  With that in mind, there are three games that I really look forward to watching each year.

1.  Browns at Steelers
2.  Steelers at Browns
3.  Steelers in the Super bowl.

Incidentally, Cleveland's version of the Super bowl is beating the Steelers.  You people are pathetic.

Anyway, the game went exactly as I had expected with the exception of the final score.  I guess I do have a criticism for Lawrence Timmons.  Come on guy, you can't leave a man open in the endzone.  I'm not saying the Browns would not have scored otherwise, but that was a gift wrapped touchdown to a group of bottom feeders who where just happy to have made it to the endzone.

There were two major story lines in Sunday's game.  First, it's good to have Ben back and not raping girls.  I was concerned with the game that Arians was going to call with Ben back under center, but it turns out he called more running plays than passing.  Roethlisberger and Mendenhall were dead even in attempts; Ben passed 27 times and Mendenhall had 27 rushes, but Redman had 6 and Moore had 1.  I'm sure some of this was due to it being Ben's first game back so I expect that those numbers are going to skew to Ben's favor in the next couple of weeks.  Even so, Ben looked solid throwing for three touchdowns.  However, you could definitely tell he was rusty based on some poor throws that he made.  His only interception of the day was a good example where he simply threw behind Wallace and Hayden came away with the easy pick.  On the plus side though Ben was not sacked at all on Sunday.  The line has definitely improved over the past years and Pouncey in key.

The second story line in the game is that the linebackers killed everything in sight.  Specifically, Harrison decimated half of the Browns' starting wide receiver line up.  Before I get into that I would like to point out the emergence of another elite linebacker, Lawrence Timmons.  Even though I just gave him a scalding remark that I'm sure he will think about for the next couple of days, he really has finally come on this year.  I thought last year was going to be his breakout season, but apparently he just wanted to stick it to me.  Consider these stats:

1.  Timmons leads the Steelers in tackles with 59.  
    (Nineteen more than second place James Harrison.)
2.  Timmons is tied for second in sacks at three.  
    (1.5 behind James Harrison.)
3.  Timmons is tied for second in interceptions at one.  
    (One behind Troy Polamalu.)

I'll go out on a limb here and say that Timmons makes the Pro Bowl this year.  Quite an accomplishment considering he is competing with Woodley, Harrison, and Farrior.

Now to Harrison.  If there is one person I would not want to meet in a dark alley while I hold a football, it's easily James Harrison.  I would love to have seen James Harrison square off with Joe Greene.  Who wins that  matchup?  It's like Chuck Norris fighting Jesus.  (Impossible...Jesus is Chuck Norris.)  Seriously, Harrison is easily the most intimidating player in the NFL, and he proved why when he bitch slapped Cribbs right off of the field, and literally killed Massaquoi two plays later.  I didn't find either hit illegal, and apparently the refs didn't either.  However, I went to the Cleveland Plain Dealer's website to see what Bottom Feeding fans had to say and found this nugget of ineptitude:

Harrision should not only have recieved a 15 yard penalty, he should have also been ejected out of the game. He was clearly sent out to physically injure players that could impact the game in the Browns favor. After all Cribbs was the one that beat them last winter. Looks like not only did they get their payback against Cribbs and the Browns but the digusting excuses of officials were clearly all on board with it.
Not only should Harrison now be fined and suspended - the officals tending that game should also face disciplinary action for those two no call fouls and several other holding and pass interference no calls they also turned a blind eye to during the game.

First of all, I would like to point out that if you are posting this bullshit trash, Joe1970KnowsFootball, then in fact, you do not KnowsFootball.  Sent out to injure players that could impact the game in the Browns(') favor?  Would that not be every player on their roster?  Did Harrison go out there with a knife and stab every single Browns' player?  Then injuring people probably wasn't his goal.  I enjoy you ending your pathetic rant with the typical sackless diatribe about missed calls.  I agree with you Joe1970KnowsFootball, there is a vast conspiracy with the singular intention of keeping the Cleveland Browns down.  Wait, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.  Sack up and admit that you're making excuses for the typical Browns' play and admit that maybe you don't KnowsFootball.  Assclown.

This guy just pissed me off.  I'll give out the Gaper Award later this week.

Joe1970KnowsChodeDevouring is a more apt name.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

This Guy Knows...

I've been stuck in bye week Hell, and now we're back.  What perfect way to get started up again than to listen to this guy's prediction for the Steelers game this weekend.

I don't think any commentary by me is needed.  This guy, who reminds me of my Uncle Tim, said it all.

Cleveland...welcome to your nightmare.

Monday, October 4, 2010

It Just had to be T.J. Houshmazode

Of all the low down wide receivers, on all of the low down second rate teams.  It just had to be T.J. Houshvadilla.  Damn.  Yesterday was a tough, tough loss, and probably even for the Steelers too.  I've been reading articles all morning that blame the loss on any number of different causes; Bruce Arians' inability to call a quality game, Bruce Arians' pathetic play calling, and even Bruce Arians' ineptitude at mixing up his play calls.  I didn't see it.  I mean, Arians had his typical run-run-pass or pass-pass-run scheme going, but when he started to switch it up in the fourth quarter all of the baiting that he did in the first three began to pay off.  You have to admit that with a Ladies Man Roethlisberger under center in lieu of Chuck Batch, the game probably would have when the other way.  Had the Steelers pulled off the victory I was ready to anoint Bruce Arians as a master baiter.  Unfortunately, they lost and for two reasons not related to Arians' master baiter status.

Reason #1:  Penalties

Eleven penalties for eighty eight yards may not sound like much, especially when compared to Baltimore's seven for fifty two, but the timing and the nature of the penalties is what killed Pittsburgh.  The defense committed several penalties that allowed the Ravens to continue drives.  The most painful penalty came in the final minute where a holding call on a punt allowed the Ravens to start on the 40 yard line with 55 seconds left and one timeout.  Now, at this point I was quasi-confident that the Steelers defense would hold...maybe with some last second heroics from Polamalu.  I was supremely disappointed when Bryan McFadden was embarrassed on a deep play into the endzone by T.J. Houshyamomma.

Reason #2:  Jeff Reed

Quadzilla had yet another multiple miss game.  Reed is quickly changing from my least favorite Steeler to my least favorite human being of all time.  I appreciate that last week and the week before he was clutch in the kicking game, but I'm not going to give this guy any slack.  He had more to say in the off season than a kicker should have to say in a career.  (Especially when you compare his contract status with LaMarr Woodley...and guess which one kept their mouth shut.)  In my obviously correct opinion, kickers should be like amateur golfers.  Hit your one shot and get the Hell off of the TV.  While I find Quadzilla's off the field antics and arrests as funny as the next person, I expect him to deliver on the field when it counts.  Jeff Reed pissed me off so much yesterday that he get's the Gaper Award again.
Get your shit together.  It can't be that hard to find someone else that can kick a ball.

On the bright side, the Steelers are 3-1, tied for the lead in the AFC North, and have their starting quarterback coming back this week.  3-1 without the Ladies Man...not too shabby.

Cleveland is 1-3.  They already have more wins than I figured they would all season.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Remember that time the Steelers Embarrassed the Bucs?

Oh, 3-0 feels pretty sweet...and how the Steelers have been doing it is even sweeter.  The defense is completely dominating the world, and that guy with the million dollar quaff is making every quarterback his bitch.  Personally, I'm on cloud nine talking all kinds of shit to all of the New England fans up here.  It's been three weeks of Christmas that I do not want to end.

Back to the game, it was complete domination.  Truly wasn't even close.  That's not to say I wasn't nervous after Batch's first interception, and after the Steelers punted, and after the Steelers tried that ridiculous double reverse.  However, the 46 yard pass to Mike Wallace for a touchdown alleviated all of my worries.  Watching Wallace report the news to everyone in that stadium really made my day.  That game, however, completely belonged to Charlie Batch.  Chuck was on the verge of being cut, and only an injury to Baby Face saved his job, and the Steelers' 3-0 record.  There is no way in Hell that Baby Face could have led this team to 3-0.  (I know Chuck didn't either, I just hate Baby Face.)  Thank goodness for Chuck because I am pretty sure I was next on the depth chart.  In fact, anyone who could throw a spiral was in the mix to be the Steelers' starting quarterback.  Sorry Bubby Brister, I tried to bring you back.

As a matter of fact, I was so deliriously happy at the end of the game I had a hard time deciding who was going to get the Gaper Award.  That was, until, I read a recap of the game on the ESPN.  This is what the Bucs' starting quarterback, Josh Freeman, had to say after the game,

"That was a good team, and I think we learned a lot from it."  

I agree Josh, you learned how to get your own ass handed to you.  Professor Omar Epps Tomlin will be holding sessions all season long if you are interested.  Freeman went on to say,

"They dominated us on the scoreboard, but at the same time I feel like our team's mentality walking away is that we could've played with those guys."    

Play what, exactly?  Certainly not football, because the result of that contest is obvious...38-13.  That's with the bullshit rushing touchdown at the end of the game.  Otherwise the score would have been 38-6.  Your team might be able to play a lot of things with the Steelers; checkers, pogs, double dutch...but one thing the Buccaneers cannot play with the Steelers is football.  Obvious fact, moron.

 Congratulations idiot.

The best play of the game for me wasn't Kiesel's return for a touchdown, which was AMAZING on it's own right.  I'm a big fan of the Diesel, and envy his mountain man beard.  No, my favorite play was when Polamalu  did his version of a LaVar Leap over top of the Buccaneers' offensive line on the goal line.  Would you like to compare the two?  Me too!

The Original LaVar Leap
Oh my God, what a play.

Now the Polamalu Plummet
You can't coach that.

What a coincidence that these plays are so similar, and they both have someone who played at Penn State involved.  

I wish Cleveland could jump...off of a bridge.

Remember that time the Steelers Embarrassed the Titans?

I must apologize to the one person who is a regular reader of this blog.  I was back in the homeland last week and they do not have computers there yet.  So, I'm making up for it now.  (And, no, my mother is not the one regular reader.  She has told me time and again, "I'm not going to read your bullshit."  Thanks Mom, bitch.)  This post will be a short recap of the Titans-Steelers game.

To the chagrin of PhatPat, the Titans did in fact lose to the Pittsburgh Steelers during their regular season match up.  In fact, they did not only lose, they lost in embarrassing fashion.  If I lived in Tennessee I would be ashamed to show my face in public, but I would also be upset that the Titans lost.

I would like to ask everyone a question right now...is Vince Young the dumbest quarterback in the NFL?  Seriously, did this guy not score an eight on the NFL version of an IQ test?  The average score for a quarterback is something on the lines of 25, and a good quarterback will score above 35.  Vince Young scored an eight.  And have you ever heard this moron talk?  No?  Here you go:

Just don't tell is mama that I'm making fun of him.  However, tell his mama that I'm naming him the Gaping Vagina for week two.  VY, as PhatPat so lovingly called him, was easily the most embarrassed Titan on the field that day, and that's really saying something.   Two interceptions, two fumbles, and only three quarters of playing time.  Impressive, idiot.

Here's our special boy

As a matter of fact, Vince Young is probably dumb enough to think that this is a real award...as I'm sure he reads my site daily.

VY is a moron, but would be a genius in Cleveland.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

StillerJack Punches Week Two in the Face

OK everybody, I didn't fare too well last week.  I ended up 9-6.  Not to shabby, if you know nothing about football at all.  Clearly that's not my case...look at my shirt.

Buffalo Bills at Green Bay Packers
Come on.  If I lived in the city of Buffalo, I'd move.  Simple enough.  They get rocked by the Packers this week.

Miami Dolphins at Minnesota Vikings
As much as I hate to admit this, but the Vikings win this game.  I wish Brett Favre would die...or at the very least spell his name phonetically.  What an asshole.

Kansas City Chiefs vs Cleveland Browns
The Chiefs win this game despite their best efforts to blow a chode.  The Browns lose this game and begin to salivate over the #1 draft spot they are headed for.  Too bad they'll blow that pick, like they always do.

Chicago Bears at Dallas Cowboys
The Bears almost lost to the Lions last week.  Basically, enough said.

Arizona Cardinals at Atlanta Falcons
I picked St. Louis to beat the Cardinals last week.  That would have been awesome.  The Falcons win this game.  They've got to be feeling pissed off over having their collective ass handed to them by Pittsburgh.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Carolina Panthers
The Panthers almost pulled out a win against the Giants last week.  True, the Giants are a mediocre team again, but that's still a light year ahead of where the Bucs are.

Philadelphia Eagles at Detroit Lions
With Mike Vick under center, and no dogs in sight, the Eagles win this game handily.  I can't wait for Vick to start against Cleveland in Cleveland.  I would love to see an empty "Dawg Pound".

Baltimore Ravens at Cincinnati Bengals
I don't really see this one being that close.  The Ravens apparently couldn't get their offense going against the Jets, but did you see the Bengals/Patiots game?  I see the Ravens lighting them up in similar fashion.

Seattle Seahawks at Denver Broncos
I'm still not sure what to think about Pete Carrol in the NFL.  I'll give him the nod this week as I also don't know what to think about Josh McDaniels in the NFL.

St. Louis Rams at Oakland Raiders
This is pretty much a game of bottom feeding.  I think the Raiders will come into the game pissed off about being completely embarrassed last week when they played the Titans.

Houston Texans at Washington Redskins
How about that Texan running game?  Where the Hell did that come from?  Now, I don't see Arian Foster having as big of a day against a better Washington run defense, but the Texans will still win the game.

New England Patriots at New York Jets
Wow did the Jets look terrible last week.  That's what Rex Ryan gets for being a complete asshole.  The schooling continues as the Patriots win a close one.

Jacksonville Jaguars at San Diego Chargers
The Jaguars surprised me last week with a win over the Broncos.  The Chargers surprised me last week with a loss to the Chiefs.  I'll decide to continue to be surprised.

New York Giants at Indianapolis Colts
Man, did the Colts get embarrassed last week by Arian Foster.  I think they'll make some adjustments to that atrocious run defense and get the win over the Giants.  After all, Eli is a bitch and Peyton's commercials are much funnier.

New Orleans Saints at San Francisco 49ers
This is an easy one to call.  The 49ers defense did not look like it's touted ranking indicated last week.  The Saints should win this one easily.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Tennessee Titans
Of all of the games sans Roethlisberger, this is one that the Steelers could very easily lose.  The key will be the  defensive line play without Big Snack.  Let's hope that Hood and Hoke will equal at least one Hampton.  Also, I thoroughly believe that Vince Young might be the dumbest football player in ah-MER-i-kah.

Madden Prognostications...Week Two Style

Alright all, DualhazzarD2 is back for another week of predicting games...Madden style.  I would like to point out that he was 3-0 last week, so that means that he's pretty much right all of the time.

Well start with the Cleveland Browns versus Kansas City Chiefs because I heard that you were always suppose to start with a joke.

C-Town?  Joke.  Also, why does Matt Cassel look like an animated version of Superman?  Finally, at one minute into the video Chris Collinsworth shuts the Hell up.  I wouldn't mind them doing more with pregame activities and interviews...if they weren't the same for every damn game.  At least there is no Madden.

The game starts out how I would expect it, in a battle of ineptitude.  With the score tied at three, and one minute left in the half, Joshua Cribbs' feet definitely didn't "fail him now" as he scored a touchdown.  Seriously DualhazzarD2?  I'm calling shenanigans on this crap.  The Chiefs go on to kick another field goal before the end of the half leaving the score 10-6.  This outcome would not be surprising, but I would reverse the score.

The Chiefs go on to kick two more field goals in the next half to go up 12-10.  I have to give it up to DualhazzarD2's field goal kicking ability...because I certainly can't on his third down ability against the Browns.  On the following kickoff Cribbs fumbles and the Chiefs recover for a touchdown.  This is something that we in Pittsburgh know does not happen.  I still have Joshua Cribbs themed nightmares.  (Although in these nightmares he really has no affiliation with the Browns.)

Each team scores another touchdown before the end of the game, and the Browns lose again.  Classic.  I love the guy yelling "That's what I'm talking about baby!" when the Chiefs score the last one.  Due to the fact that there are not really any Chiefs fans, I'm assuming this is a disenfranchised "Dawg Pound" idiot...possibly Pound Dawg?  Haven't heard from that bitch in awhile.  Anyway, the Browns lose and life is as it should be.

The next game features the Baltimore Ravens versus Cincinnati Bengals.  I like how the play each other so I don't have to write two more of these.

The Bungles start off with a field goal, followed by a Ray Rice touchdown beatdown.  I'm particularly happy to see that as Ray Rice is on my fantasy team.  Cincinnati scores another touchdown and the announcer actually says "Who Dey?".  What is this, 2004?  Plus, Who Dey was a stupid catch phrase in the first place.  Leave it to a group of Ohians to be completely retarded.

Palmer goes on to throw another one to Ocho Chodo, and the Ravens follow suit with a field goal.  The score at the half is 20-10 Bungles.  No.  After last weeks performance against the Patriots, I'm saying that the Ravens will roll in this game.  Also, I can see that DualhazzarD2 doesn't like to run much, as the Ravens only have 9 yards rushing to the Bungles 13.

The second half must have been a defensive struggle as the Ravens go on to lose the game 23-17 to the Bungles.  Again, no.  Sorry DualhazzarD2, but I'm disagreeing with this one.

As for the Steelers game, DualhazzarD2 sent me an email saying that he didn't even sim the game.  He reasoned, "What's the point.  I'll tell you the outcome without playing the game...Steelers win 214-(-23)."  I like this guy's optimism, but like his rationale more, "Everyone in Tennessee is illiterate."  Can't agree more DualhazzarD2, can't agree more.

So in lieu of the Steelers' game footage, I'll post this video.

A boombox is not a toy.
The Browns blow...hard.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

"Brains" of Tennessee

I saw this clip this morning on YouTube, and simply could not wait one second to put it up.  Literally, I dropped everything I was doing to comment on the educational level available to everyone in Tennessee.  Look, I know I post a lot of YouTube videos, but this is the first time where I can make fun of someone to the digital approximation of their face.  You think I'm going to pass that up?  Seriously?  I also posted the URL to this blog in his comment section so he can feel free to visit and learn.

Phatpat38127 posted a video this morning regarding his feelings on the Steelers and Titans game this weekend.  First of all, great moniker.  It does it's job well of concealing any personal information about you.  EXCEPT that your name is Pat, you clearly suffer from narcissism, and you live in Memphis, Tennessee.  But hey, I'm no Columbo.

Alright my boy, Phatpat, coming at me one more time...one question?  Did you capture your video on this?
Because I'm pretty sure that's the only way you can get away with having such shitty quality.  Come on Phatpat, I'm coming at you with information...buy a digital camcorder and say goodbye forever to the terrible quality of your videos.  Well, the digital camcorder will merely improve the way the video looks.  I have a feeling your posts will still be of terrible quality.

Phatpat, by saying that the Steelers are 5-1 at (InsertgibberishwiththterribleTennesseeaccent) Field you are actually saying that the Steelers have WON five times, and lost only once.  I know math is not a strong point in the border states, but trust me.  I also enjoy how you down played the Steelers' win at the beginning of last season by pointing out that your Titans started the season 0-6.  Classic reverse psychology...assuming you knew what psychology or even reverse meant.

What were you doing around 1:30?  Were you about to throw up?  Also, I know who the starting halfback and quarterback are for the Titans, but do you?  Other than, of course, their initials.  I can appreciate you trying to save time by only saying the initials.  Clearly you are on your way to an extremely important engagement, during the video which would explain why you were walking around the whole time.  Possibly a MENSA meeting.  

I'm sorry guy, but when you went all high pitched, I couldn't understand a single accented word coming out of your accented mouth.  I'm assuming they were in fact words, and not just border state mating calls.  And as for Cartman, come on you stupid-hill.  (Phatpat, did you really call someone a stupid-hill?)  The Titans don't play your sorry ass team for five more weeks.  OK?  So get off of his PhatNutz.  Peace out.

Probably the best part of the video was the last thirty seconds.  Was that Sloth?  Sloth love PhatPat.  Actually, the photo at 2:43 was rather funny.  Consider everyone at Stillers Blog happy that we decided to prepare so there is not need to beware.


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Remember that time the Steelers Embarrassed the Falcons?

I do.  It seems like it were only the day before yesterday that the Steelers completely shut down the "NFC playoff caliber" Atlanta Falcons.  We're talking a beat down to the tune of no touchdowns allowed, 6-16 on third down, and 42 yards rushing.  Hello 2008 Steelers defense.  Welcome back.

Now I completely appreciate the fact that the Steelers' offense was just as terrible...but Pittsburgh was playing their third string quarterback...who was drafted in the sixth round.  Atlanta?  First string, first round draft pick quarterback who looked borderline mentally challenged when facing Dick LeBeau.  (Although, Dick LeBeau makes Nobel laureates look stupid.)  Here are some general thoughts regarding this beautiful beatdown:

1.  Troy Polamalu is back.  Not only did he register five tackles, three of them solo tackles, he was all over the field.  He was in position to make several big plays but seemed that that famous Troy Timing was off a little bit.  That will improve as the season progresses.  Easily his biggest play came at the end of regulation when he and his million dollar follicles intercepted a Ryan pass to set up a missed field goal by Quadzilla.

2.  The "not-so-offensive" line looked borderline decent this week.  I'm not getting too excited here because of how low the Falcons' defense is rated, but the "offensive" line only gave up three sacks, two of which were clearly Dixon's fault, and helped Mendenhall rush for 120 yards when the Falcons were clearly stacking their defense against the run.  "Hotel" Adams garnered his expected number of false start penalties, and it's about the time of year when Max Starks gets hurt, but look for this line to improve throughout the next couple of games.

3.  This is the year, or at least the first four games, of the running back.  Mendenhall rushed for 120 yards on 22 carries and an overtime touchdown.  Redman added his short yardage talents to gain 19 yards on 6 carries.  These two guys are going to have big games in the next three weeks.  After that Roethlisberger will be back under center and Arians will continue his policy of throwing for eight fifty yard passes per game.  (Thank goodness I have Wallace on my fantasy team.)

4.  Is Timmons finally becoming a good linebacker?  Knock on wood here, but Timmons looked very good both against the pass and in the run defense.  This could be the year that he finally proves that he's not completely inept at his job.  Crossing my fingers.

5.  The secondary needs some work.  The re-addition of McFadden did little to shore up a terrible secondary from last year.  McFadden was commonly beat in cuts by Roddy White who ended up with over 100 yards receiving for the day.  The good news was that he was the only Falcons receiver even close to that mark.  Also, the secondary eliminated the big play which was something the certainly could not do last year.

6.  Daniel Sepulveda is ridiculous.  He averaged 51 yards a punt.  Averaged.  I would say, other than Mendenhall, that he was the second or third most influential player on the field.  Let's face it, the whole game was a field position battle, and if not for Sepulveda, the Falcons would have won that battle more often than not.

7.  Special teams didn't look as "special" as they used to.  It's still early, but I was happy not to see Atlanta return every kickoff to the fifty, and return every punt for 30+ yards.  Pittsburgh needs to improve the return game though.

8.  Heinz Ward will never age.  He caught six passes for 108 yards to move him over 900 receptions and 11,000 yards for his career.  I can't wait for his Canton admission.

9.  Mike Wallace reported some news, showing that he is definitely comfortable in his new role as the second wide receiver.  This is making me wish Big Ben was back because a trio of Ward, Wallace, and Randle El is just too good to waste.

10.  Junior Slash looked average against the Falcons.  He made some big plays in the passing game, but more often than not threw some incredibly ill advised passes which ended up in one interception, and the possibility for three more.  He could have totally changed the way the game was played on Sunday had he been more comfortable to tuck and run versus trying to force a play.  This is why I hate Bruce Arians.  Let Junior Slash be Junior Slash.  He's still far and away the better choice between him and Baby Face.

I was extremely happy with the game, and found it increasingly difficult to determine who would be the recipient of this week's Gaper Award.  However, after careful consideration, I'm giving it to Quadzilla.

You cried like a bitch over not getting a new contract and being forced to only make 2.1 million dollars this season.  One reason you cited for deserving of a new contract was having the ethereal ability to kick in Heinz Field.  You further pointed out that only your partial God status allows you to handle the wind currents that make other kickers shit in their pants.  Well, Quadzilla, even with your un-Earthly ability to kick a ball in the air, you missed the GAME WINNING FIELD GOAL.  This probably wouldn't have been a big deal had you not already made one from a further distance, also kicking into the open end of the stadium.

Cleveland lost to the last place team in the NFL.  Oh wait, they are the last place team in the NFL.  My bad.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

StillerJack Rocking your World 2010 Style

I'm the mascot, bitch.  I'll rock your world with knowledge because I have it and you don't.

I'm back making my weekly picks this season after a very successful campaign last year.  Here we go:

Minnesota Vikings vs. New Orleans Saints
I'm late on this one...but I had the Saints to win.  However, I can't take away any points for this game this week.  Side note, I love watching Brett Favre lose.

Cleveland Bottomfeeders vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Seriously?  No contest as the Bucs go on to win to the fashion of 219-(-3).  Yeah, that's a negative score.  A new rule was passed by the NFL last year that states that the Bottomfeeders automatically start at negative ten each game until the quit and kill themselves.

Miami Dolphins vs. Buffalo Bills
There really isn't a contest here either as Ronny Brown and Ricky Williams run wild all over Buffalo.  The only  thing that will make me pay attention is C.J. Spiller.  He's suppose to be exciting, and I like being excited.

Cincinnati Bengals vs. New England Patriots
This is the game where the Queen City (very apt by the way) realizes that a first place schedule is harder than the bottomfeeding schedule they've been playing for YEARS.  I'm giving this to the Patriots, although I wish Brady had died in a car accident.

Indianapolis Colts vs. Houston Texans
The Texans are no longer a joke.  With that admission, they still don't beat the Colts today.  Peyton Manning and his commercial prowess air it out and win their season opener.

Denver Broncos vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jags suck again.  They had a year where they were decent, but then let their entire defense leave during the free agency.  The only thing they have going is Maurice Jones-Drew, but he alone isn't going to win this game.  Maybe they should trade Jones-Drew to the Steelers in return for Baby Face.  That would be incredible.  The Broncos win this led by Jesus, er, Tebow.  

Oakland Raiders vs. Tennessee Titans
This game really could go either way.  I would say that the Titans have less question marks than the Raiders, and based on that I'll give them the win.  Plus, I'm pretty sure that Al Davis died ten years ago and they gave him the Dick Clark burial which includes mummification and reanimation.

Carolina Panthers vs. New York Giants
As much as I believe that Eli Manning is a total chode devouring bitch, I'll give the Giants the win here.  At this point I'm going to the magic eight ball for all my calls.

Detroit Lions vs. Chicago Bears
The Bears spent close to ten billion dollars in free agency this past offseason, and all that loot buys them one win...this one.  I'm looking forward to seeing Suh make Cutler is diabetic bitch.

Green Bay Packers vs. Philadelphia Eagles
The Packers win this one on the arm of Aaron Rodgers.  However, this is the game where Kolb shows that he's not completely inept, and Philadelphia is happy to have a white quarterback again.  Racists New Jerseyians.

Arizona Cardinals vs. St. Louis Rams
Ah, the battle of the inept quarterbacks.  Seriously Wisenhunt, Derek Anderson?  Were you never in Pittsburgh?  Dumbass.  I'll go out on a limb and take the Rams as their own personal Jesus, Sam Bradford, throws for two scores.

Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins
Cowboys win this one, but they are seriously over-hyped.  The Redskins are probably only two or three more years of free agency deals away from moderate relevancy.

San Francisco 49ers vs. Seattle Seahawks
I prefer to call this matchup the "Who Gives a Shit Bowl".  If you don't live on the west coast, then is game never happens and these teams don't exist.  The 49ers probably win this supposed matchup and Pete Carroll begins to wish that he had stay in college.

Baltimore Ravens vs. New York Jets
Ravens win here...and put up lots of points.  I hate the Jets, and I don't even know why.

San Diego Chargers vs. Kansas City Chiefs
I actually met a Chiefs fan the other day.  Funny, I didn't think there were any.  There probably won't be any after this beat down.  

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Atlanta Falcons
The defense comes out in force and takes care of business...T.C.O.B.  Polamalu et. al will make Matt Ryan look like Sweet D out there as the Steelers win a close one on the arm of Junior Slash.

Awe Shit, Scientific Week One Prognostications

There are many factors that analysts consider when making predictions for NFL games.  Or, at the very least, that's what they will have you believe otherwise they would end up having to work for a living...and nobody wants that.  However, with those factors in mind there is really only ONE way to properly, and scientifically, make predictions for upcoming NFL games.

Madden, of course.

My YouTube prowess has uncovered DualHazzarD2, excellent moniker by the way, a Madden overlord who has began a Franchise mode and puts all of the games on YouTube.  If he keeps on posting these for the season, I'll post all of his AFC North results and add my more than expert analysis to the video.  Let's start with the Cleveland Browns vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, mainly because I need a laugh.

Right off the bat you know it's going to be a good game when fans are tailgating in the parking lot, playing cornhole with androgynous fan markings..."Go Team!".  By the way, the Shump is a HUGE CORNHOLE CHEATER.  Moving on, this really is a match up of bottom feeders and NFL low-rents.  The Bucs finished last in their division, and of course you also have the Browns.  Enough said.  

It took the Bucs nearly the whole first quarter to put up points.  I don't see that happening this weekend.  I suspect the score will be more like 500-0 by the end of the first quarter.  The Browns followed suit and kicked a field goal.  The Bucs find the endzone again when "joyridemyass1" comes online.  Someone loves anal.  The Browns score a touchdown with forty two seconds left in the game.  This won't happen.  I don't believe they will score a touchdown all season.  The game ends with a final score of 27-10, and Josh Freeman wins the Old Spice Swagger Player of the Game Award.  Classic.  

Next up is the Cincinnati Bengals vs. New England Patriots.  I wonder if Madden can properly sim Ocho Cinco being an over-hyped assclown?  We'll see.

My first thought on this game was that Carson Palmer was wearing one VERY sharp suit.  I'm impressed.  The score is tied at seven until the Bengals kick what looks like a ten thousand yard field goal.  The score is 10-7 at that point, until Brady throws a pass the length of Massachusetts to Randal Moose.  Score is 14-10 at half time.  I could see the game going this way, but more likely it will be a higher score on both sides.  How about the commentary on the kickoff return for a touchdown?  "Uh-Oh!" and "Rumble young man, rumble.".  I love it.  The best thing the Madden franchise ever did was take out the Madden commentary.  The Patriots go on to win the game 28-21, and Randal Moose wins the Swagger Player of the Game Award.  This is the way I see the game unfolding.  The Bungles will lose. 

The Ravens game was not simulated in time to make this post.  If DualhazzarD2 finishes it in time for the Monday night game I'll put it up.

Ah, now the finale.  Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Atlanta Falcons.

HUGE DISCLAIMER...DualhazzarD2 forgot to sub out Roethlisberger for Junior Slash.  Where this omission does give a ridiculous competitive edge to Pittsburgh, I'm OK with it.  Junior Slash's skill set is closer to Roethlisberger's than Baby Face, so I'll allow it.

At 2:31 left in the first quarter Iron Mike Wallace reports the news to the Atlanta secondary and goes in for the score.  Now, in the span of two minutes the Steelers score again and the Falcons score twice?  Oh, no sir.  Not in two minutes.  Anyway, the score is tied at 14 going into the half.

Wallace begins reporting more news at the end of the third quarter with another touchdown pass.  This could happen, even with Junior Slash behind center.  Wallace is going to make us forget about Holmes this season.  Mark my words.  Back to the game, even Matt Spaeth gets a touchdown catch.  This probably happens once every fourth lunar cycle, so be sure to Tivo it.  It'll be awhile before it happens again.

Somehow the Falcons come back from a three touchdown deficit to tie the game at the end of the fourth quarter.  NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.  The defense won't be as "offensive" as last season.  But, the Steelers do close out in overtime on the toe of Quadzilla.  Game.  Steelers win and take an early lead in the division.

Cleveland Sucks 


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Myron Cope Scholarship

I just happened across this video on YouTube:

This is classic.  I absolutely LOVE Myron Cope...almost to an uncomfortable level.  Just as the clip suggested, I would commonly turn down the national broadcast feed and listen to Myron Cope instead.  If you couldn't make it to a game, and I've only ever been to one, that was the next best way to enjoy it and feel like you were there.

The Cope/Hillgrove tandem was arguably the best in all of sportscasting, and it's not quite the same without Cope.  The network has tried to ease the blow by adding in Tunch Ilkin as a "color man" (a racist term if I've ever heard one) but the only colorful thing about Ilkin is his name.  Cope could probably still kick his ass from beyond the grave.

The scholarship actually exists...I Googled the shit out of it.  The link can be found here.   It's a minimum $1,000 scholarship for a Communications Major at Point Park University.  I would probably punch someone in the face for the chance to win a Myron Cope Scholarship.  (I would punch Baby Face in the face for nothing.)   I imagine that the award ceremony would require the winner to wear a suit made from Terrible Towels (The Terrible Tuxedo), and the winner would be required to drop no less than fifteen Yois and Double Yois during their acceptance speech.  Additionally, the winner has to wear the hat Cope has on at 6:00 for an entire winter.

Cleveland Sucks 

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

What Else Needs to be Insured?

It's no secret that Polamalu has had a one million dollar policy taken out on his hair by Head and Shoulders.  However, when reading more into it I was surprised to find out that this is a common practice.  Athletes will regularly take an insurance policy out on, say, an arm or a leg.  This is especially prevalent in college football where the appendages could be worth money one day, but currently, are not.  With that thought in mind I would like to propose a couple of Steelers who should also think about taking out some insurance policies.

Jeff Reed is probably the Steeler who could most benefit from an insurance policy.  The problem is, I don't even know what Quadzilla needs to take a policy out on.  His leg?  No, that's not how Zilla makes headlines.  If I was Reed I would take out two insurance policies.  The first protects his fists.  After all, there are a lot of menacing paper towel dispensers in the world.  Hell, nearly one in every public restroom.  The second policy that Reed should take out should be to protect himself against all enemies foreign and domestic.    When you party like Quadzilla does, which is to say, as if you were on "The Jersey Shore", you make a lot of enemies.  Whether those enemies are paper towel dispensers, Cleveland Police, Snooki from Jersey Shore, the Rooney Family, or the kick return team, it just doesn't matter.  This guy needs protection.


James Harrison needs insurance...on everybody else.  This guy just doesn't give a fuck.  Mark my words...one day he's going to kill somebody.  Now that death may take place on the football field (if it does I hope it's Tom Brady), or it may take place outside of football.  It doesn't matter.  In fact, if I had to spend more than ten minutes with him I would take out a short term life insurance policy.

Frank "The Tank" Summers needs to take out insurance on his job because I'm convinced that he may not have one pretty soon.  On the bright side he is obviously an impeccable dresser...so maybe a career on Wall Street is in order.

Baby Face should take out an insurance policy on his baby face.  If given the chance I would punch his face right off of his head, and I'm sure I'm not alone on this one.  What probably bothers me the most about Baby Face is that he seems to be oblivious of the fact that he is, in fact, hampered by a baby face.  Fuck you Baby Face, and fuck your baby face right in the face.


Finally, Ben Roethlisberger needs to take out an insurance policy on his dick.  Simply stated, if he doesn't stop sticking it where it doesn't belong, he's going to lose it.

If any of you have ideas on further required insurance policies for Steelers players, feel free to leave a comment.

Cleveland Rocks Chode

Monday, August 30, 2010

Cuts are Looming...Who's Ass is Outta Here?

The 53-man roster cuts are due into the league soon.  Last night was pretty much the last chance for young guys to make an impression on the Steelers' coaching staff.  First, who looked like dog shit?

Dennis Dixon - Dixon had an incredibly disappointing night.  I've been riding high on the Dixon-wagon since the beginning of training camp...and was very excited to see him with the starters last night.  Well, that excitement ended with his end zone interception.  That was probably one of the dumbest decisions I've seen since the other number ten slung the ball around.  I can't help but find it ironic that Dixon's number is now 10, because that's how he played last night.  He showed flashes of good play in the midst of stupid decisions and running around like Fran Tarkington.  The only thing that Dixon didn't do, which the other number ten was infamous for, was making out with the head coach.  Tomlin must be more homophobic than Cowher.  In any event, I believe Dixon lost the starting job to Baby Face last night.  Note, Baby Face did nothing last night to earn the job.

Flozell Adams - The "Hotel" looked like shit.  Seriously, how hard can it be to go from left to right tackle?  It's practically the same damn position, only the right tackle has less pressure and responsibility than the left.  Let's just face it, this is probably going to be another year of "offensive" play from the line.

Keenan Lewis - What a moron.  Two personal foul penalties, and multiple plays where he was violated worse than a Roethlisberger prom date.  This guy was suppose to be in contention for a starting roster spot, and with McFadden out last night it was Lewis's shot to prove it.  Fail.  McFadden must have been delighted, even when Lewis punched through a glass display case.  That really impressed Tomlin.  As the players passed the broken glass Tomlin said to everyone, "That's what you call young and dumb right there.  Watch your step No. 23 is playing bad and doing stupid stuff as well."  Rough.  Is one game possibly enough to make up for that idiocy?  We'll see.

Antonio Brown - Fielding a punt at the two yard line?  Are you kidding?  Brown would have been a lock to make the roster if he had performed last night in the returning game.  Unfortunately for Brown, he did not.  The Steelers love him at receiver, along with Emmanuel Sanders, but he is on the bubble now.  I think that they will probably opt for the established returner in Stefan Logan, so Thursday could be Brown's last in a Steelers uniform.  Maybe.

Baby Face - Baby Face went 0 for 4 on passing before being benched in favor of Charlie Batch.  I think at this point, after Dixon's major suckage, Tomlin was just pissed, and wanted SOMEBODY to not suck a chode.  Like I said earlier, Baby Face didn't do anything to earn a job last night...Dixon may have lost it.  

Who didn't rock chode like it was their job?

Jonathan Dwyer - Now I appreciate that he was going up against the third and fourth string Bronco's defense, but that's still akin to...say...the Cleveland starting defense.  Obviously the forty yard romp, which seemed like it was being aired in slow motion, stuck in my mind.  However, an earlier play on that same drive is what really hit me as something special.  Dwyer took the ball, and the entire defense, for ten to twelve yards.  If that were Willie Parker, then count it as a one yard gain, because that's when the entire defense converged.  Dwyer took that pile and moved it another ten yards.  That was impressive.

Mike Wallace -  This guy is easily dispelling the worries about his abilities to carry the second receiver spot.  Against the first team defense, which is actually pretty good, Wallace had three receptions for 59 yards in very limited action.  A Ward-Holmes-Wallace grouping would have been terrific, but the top two, at least, are shaping up well.  I would expect Randle-El to pick up the third spot with either Sanders or Battle in the fourth.

Charlie Batch - Well, as far as Charlie Batch can have a good day.  He's not getting the starting job.  In fact, he may get cut by the end of the week.

Maurkice Pouncey - Pouncey played solidly in his first start.  He made a couple of miss calls, but a little experience should take care of that.  More importantly, he did not get blown off of the line on passing plays, and moved the nose tackle around on running plays.  This job belongs to him now...goodbye Hartwig.

Here are a couple of guys on the bubble that REALLY need to perform on Thursday night:

1.  Keenan Lewis - Get it right this time.  At this point you can only help yourself.
2.  Stefan Logan - Make a play.  Antonio Brown is breathing down your neck.
3.  Antonio Brown - Make a play.  Stefan Logan is breathing down your neck.
4.  Dennis Dixon - Last chance to state your case.  Don't give the job to Baby Face.
5.  Jonathan Dwyer - Another game like the last and you're on the roster.
6.  Limas Sweed - Oh, wait...nevermind.
7.  Crezdon Bulter - Had a pick against Tebow.  Play well and you'll get a roster spot.
8.  William Gay - Also had a pick.  Probably not going to get a starting spot after last year.  Excellent play in the next game may get him more time on the field.  As of right now he took over the departed Townsend's nickel duties.
9.  Justin Hartwig - You sir, are in danger of being cut.  Doug Legursky is better than anyone expected, and he's doing it at more than half of your salary.
10.  Ziggy Hood - Everyone is screaming about your practice abilities.  Translate that to the field.

That's all for now.  I'll thrown down some more knowledge soon.

Cleveland Sucks  

Friday, August 20, 2010

Oh how I hate Brett Favre

What a treat...a double dose of poor literary skills and sub-par analysis today!  I forgot to add this into my initial post regarding quarterback situations I'm tired of hearing of.  I'm not quite sure of how I could POSSIBLY forget, because if there is one quarterback in the NFL that I never want to hear anything about again it's Brett Favre.

I'm sure everyone has heard by now, but again, Brett Favre has unretired.  If this situation had a Vegas line attached to it the odds would have been 3:2 in favor of unretiring.  All in all I believe this is the 1,000th time the guy has come back after saying he was done.  However, this was the first time that he framed it the way he did (which I love, by the way).  Three years ago he retired and came back to the Packers because he wasn't done playing yet.  Two years ago he retired and came back because he wanted to move to a team which could contend for a championship.  (His ideal choice was Minnesota, but the Packers were not going to have that.  They traded his flippant ass to the Jets.)  Ironic, a sans-Favre Packers are now a championship contending team.  Last year Methuselah retired and came back in order to get traded to the Vikings.  Again, ironic a sans-Favre Jets are now a championship contender.  Now what?  He's already where he wanted to go three years ago...still cannot make it to the super bowl...and at 41 million years old he's not getting any younger.

There's really only one way to feign retirement and not look like an asshole for four years in a row.  Wow.  Brett, you are such a great guy and not a prima donna piece of shit.  This wasn't a selfish move at all, but a favor to a couple of buddies...and their million fans.  Apparently a group of Vikings went down to Mississippi and asked him to come back as a favor to the locker room.  They probably went down to his home/children's cancer center in Mississippi/Heaven and begged Brett to play one more year.  I imagine it would go something like this:

Dumbass team members:  "Please, please pretty please Brett?  Can you possibly find time in between all of the puppy petting and baby kissing and dream saving to do us this tiny little favor?"
Brett Master Flex:  "Even though I'm older than most rock formations, and have been beaten to the point where I'm now punchy, I will do you guys this favor.  I love my teammates.  I love you.  Look, I just turned your water into wine."
DTM:  "Oh shit!  You did just turn our water into wine.  Jesus?"
BMF:  "Come on guys, don't insult me like that.  I'm Brett Favre."  

BMF:  "Consider this though boys...Jesus was a carpenter.  I'm the spokesman for a brand of jeans.  Carpenters wear jeans."
DTM:  "We want to blow you."

Fuck Brett Favre.

Unimpressed with all this Quarterback Talk

We are currently on the eve of the second preseason game and the talk of the town is whether or not to-be suspended quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will start against the Giants.  I've read article after article debating the pros and cons of starting Ben tomorrow night and while reading these articles the only thought running through my head is...who cares?

Seriously, who the hell cares if Ben starts?  Why should we care?  After all, it is a preseason game...meaning I don't care if the Steelers win or lose.  If I don't care if the Steelers win, I certainly don't care who starts the game.  Now, don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to seeing Roethlisberger on the field using his athletic ability to do something other than getting "laid" in Georgia.  I'm going to sit in the bar and thoroughly enjoy the twelve plays he is involved in.  But I'm not going to take that production and try to predict what his regular season stats will be.  You watch, that will be the next media oppressive step. 

Continuing the quarterback talk, there are plenty of articles and questions flying around whether or not Dixon should be given a chance to truly compete for the starting job based on his performance in last Saturday's game.  I think Dixon is not really getting a true look thus far.  Baby Face Leftwich was brought in the moment the Steelers  found out that Roethlisberger was going to be suspended, and since then he has received the majority of the snaps with the starters in OTA's and training camps.  Two things strike me when thinking about Baby Face starting the first four games of the season.  

One, as Tony the Tool so impressively pointed out, Baby Face is not mobile.  In fact, he is so slow I'm pretty sure he would lose in a footrace to Casey Hampton.  That is definitely a detriment considering that the "offensive" line will be even more porous than usual as they get used to playing together.  (No, this doesn't happen during training camp.)  Dixon certainly has the advantage here as he ran the spread offense in Oregon...and quite well.  Remember, he was a Heismen Trophy candidate before he was injured his senior year.  

Two, Baby Face just has not looked sharp in training camp or in last week's game, or so I've heard.  Leftwich has not been hitting receivers on time, and is taking too long to make decisions.  He was brought back as part of the 2011 reunion tour because he knew Arians' offense and it was thought that the offense would suffer less under him than someone new to the system.  However, even with all this Arians' offense knowledge, Baby Face still is not looking impressive.  Is it possible that he has become complacent because he knows the starting job is his, and his only for four weeks?  Possibly.  I'm not saying Dixon is making quicker decisions in the pocket, the opposite in fact, but he does have the added dimension of running the ball.  Naturally Arians is NOT a fan of this.  After all, a quarterback running around can only mean the breakdown of his perfectly tuned offense.  Just ask Ben. 

Also, what the hell happened to Charlie Batch.  I had to check his Wikipedia page just to be sure that he was still alive.  Batch has been included in the starting job discussion with the same frequency as Bubby Brister...who I am still waiting to hear back from regarding the playing card.  You only hear about Batch now in relation to the imminent owner lockout next year.  That would lead me to ask, why are they keeping him on the roster?  Why not just officially make him an assistant quarterback coach, as that's all he's been for the past three years.  Give his roster spot to a quarterback who could actually compete for the job...maybe...Bubby Brister.  Just saying.

"Heinz" Ward is pushing for Dixon.

"If Dennis is out there, you'd like to get him some more playing time.  Consider the game he had in Baltimore.  He practiced a little bit.  But there were some things we couldn't run because he didn't know all the plays.  So I would like to get some more reps with Dennis.  Plus, I love Stillers Blog."

While I cannot disagree with how Heinz ends all of his media comments, I certainly cannot disagree with the point he brought up.  Dixon was incredible during the game against Baltimore last season.  He was stellar, and just tripped up at the end with the interception in overtime.  It was a tough loss, but I certainly gained confidence in Dixon that day.  So did, apparently, Heinz.


One final thought...I dare you to tell me that this isn't a Baby Face:

This is a baby face...and Cleveland Sucks.