Deebo Meets with Goodell.

I was so successful in simulating the exact thoughts of both James Harrison and Roger Goodell a couple of weeks ago, I thought I owed it to the world to do it again.  Deebo recently had a meeting with Roger Goodell regarding the numerous widow makers he throws down on the football field.  I'm pretty sure that meeting went exactly like this:

Look, James.  May I call you James without you flipping shit and ripping my head off?

You sure as Hell may not.  In fact, consider yourself lucky I don't beat you down like I did that Browns fan a couple of years ago.  You can call me Captain Ass Rape.  Because that's what you've been doing to me for the past couple of years, and if you don't fix it that's what I'm going to do to you.

I'm not quite sure that I like the sound of that.  Anyway, Captain, we need to talk about your tackling and your aggressiveness today.  To put this simply, there is no room for aggressive tacklers and, in general, meanies in my NFL.  I'm trying to market the game to Europeans, so that means less hitting and eventually I'm going to enact a rule where nobody can touch the ball with their hands.  Additionally, before tackling an offensive player you must first establish that they are both ready to be tackled and also emotionally capable to withstand said tackle.

???

Mike, this idiot is kidding right?  Seriously, white people do not have a good sense of humor...or rhythm.  It's bad enough that I NEVER get a holding call, but when someone forgets to grab my jersey and I actually get to the ball carrier, I'm fined every time I touch them.  WHAT THE SHIT GOODELL!!!

I'm not listening, I'm not listening.  Furthermore, the pink accessories being worn for breast cancer awareness will become standard issue to every team's uniform and all players will be required to take estrogen pills.  Well, all players except for kickers.  Actually, a further exception for Jeff Reed.  He will take the pills.  The bastard tore apart all of the hand towels in my house.  Also, everyone will be required to sport an NFL approved hairstyle.  The only hairstyle permitted will be a carbon copy of my perfect quaff.

 Now just wait one god damn minute Goodell!!!  If Europeans want to watch soccer, they sure as Hell can just watch soccer.  And if you think for one second I'm going to cut my hair, you are clearly delusional.  You look like a gay version of a Ken doll.

Excuse me, but please don't lump me in with Goodell.  I'm no pussy.

Hey everyone.  I don't know what all the commotion is about, I just wanted to say something to Goodell.  I'm going to rape you.

Not even you can rape the willing.  Te he he he.



Cleveland Sucks.