Sunday, November 22, 2009

StillerJack Quick Picks

Lightning round for picks...I've got to get to the bar.

Colts over Ravens
Cowboys over Redskins
Detroit over Cleveland
Packers over 49ers
Jaguars over Bills
Vikings over Seahawks
Falcons over Giants
Saints over Buccaneers
Cardinals over Rams
Chargers over Broncos
Patriots over Jets
Bengals over Raiders
Eagles over Bears
Texans over Titans
Steelers over Chiefs

I'll say it again...The Bungles...Seriously???

I'm not going to recap the game. We all know what happened. Instead, I'll tell you all about my exploits in trying to get to the only Steelers bar in Boston.

I went over to my friend's house at about 9 AM (the bar is a two hour train ride away.) We both thought it was an amazing idea to mix a two liter bottle of soda with a bottle of whiskey...Jameson of course...each. We then proceed to walk to the commuter rail which should take us to the Boston subway system. Now this ride is suppose to take approximately forty minutes because it takes a cockload of stops. Anyway, we get to the station at nine to find out that on Sundays the first train does not show up until ten. Alright, no big deal, because we both have plenty of drinking to do. So we sit down on the platform and proceed.

About thirty minutes later this nice old lady comes down to the platform and we talk with her about gardening for awhile. It's now ten o'clock, no train. Fine, we left plenty of buffer time in our plans. This classic Boston queen shows up at about 11:00, sees us sitting in our Steelers jerseys, and starts yelling, "We've got three Superbowls." If you have kids, do not let them read this next part. I retort with, "Six is greater than three you cunt sack!" My friend then starts yelling, "Tom Brady sucked my cock for three bucks!" at this queen, and eventually the dude's wife pulls him away and they go sit at the other end of the platform. Bitch.

The train does not show up until 11:30, or as I like to call it, to damn late. However, we still have some liquid left in our bottles. Obviously the best decision here is to remain sitting on the platform, finish our whiskey, then walk downtown to the bar to see the game. I'm happy to say that we pulled that plan off to perfection. It's now 12:30, and we get up to leave. We are walking out of the terminal when one of the orderlies yells after us that he's going to call the cops because we just sat on the train platform for three and a half hours, and now are clearly stumbling away. I yell, "Call the cops you bitch!", and we proceed to hurry around the corner and take our jerseys off. Clearly the jersey will be like a red arrow above my head when the cops roll by. We walk far enough away that it is now safe to don my James Farrior jersey once again. We reapply the colors and continue walking. This car starts honking it's horn at us, and we look over. This dude with a Queer Brady jersey flips us off, then drives away like the bitch ass rat he is. Pussy.

Finally we get to the bar, and sit down with the guys we normally watch games with. They can obviously see that we are already tanked off of our asses, at 1 pm, so the start buying us beers. That, ladies and gentlemen, is where the story ends because that is when my memory starts to fail. Fuck the Bengals.Chad Ocho Cinco gets the McNulty. Mustard? Are you kidding? Two catches for twenty nine yards and you talk shit? How about I send you some relish, because I'm definitely relishing the fact that you are such a chode. I'm also changing your name to OchoChodo, bitch.

A few thoughts for today's game,

1. This is the best time to be without Troy. The next couple of games go like this; KC, struggling Ravens, Raiders, Cleveland Taints, then the man should be back.

2. No Larry Johnson? Good. Jamaal Charles doesn't gain thirty yards.

3. Matt Cassel is the product of a good offense.

4. Carter and Clark will take care of business today. Or else...

5. Big Ben can stop bitching about being "Out of sync" with his receivers. Santonio's huge left bicep just shut him up. (Watch, every time Holmes has a big play, out comes the bicep. Guarantee.)

Steelers win.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Week Nine Picks

Last week hurt. We don't need to get into details, but let's just say that I had to get a diaper change. In other news, Cleveland is a shit hole. Let's pick some games:

Atlanta v Carolina
The Falcons are playing well...and Michael Turner seems to have found some running room again. I expect that to continue against a poor Panther run defense.

Tampa Bay v Miami
Tampa Bay burned my ass last week. ARE YOU KIDDING? What a perfect time to realize that you are not a bunch of doorknob fucking inbreds (See entire state of West Virginia). Regardless, I'm taking the Dolphins.

Detroit v Minnesota
Sweet sassy molassey I hope Brett Favre is hurt. Maybe then people will shut the hell up about him. But for now, I'll take Minnesota to win.

Jacksonville v New York Jets
Not sure where to go with this one...not sure it's going to matter. I'll take the Jets? (Dammit, who put a question mark on the teleprompter?)

New Orleans v St. Louis
NON-COMPETITIVE. If the NFL had a mercy rule, I'm sure it would come into play for this game. Saints to win.

Buffalo v Tennessee
The Bills lost to the Browns. Does it get any lower than that? Titans.

Denver v Washington
A Redskins team without Clinton Portis is actually just as bad as it was with him. Denver.

Kansas City v Oakland
With these two both in the AFC West, I can understand why Denver is 6-1. I'll take the Chiefs for no specific reason.

Seattle v Arizona
Kurt Warner threw for five touchdowns last week. Seattle blew a busload of shims last week. I'll take the Cardinals.

Dallas v Green Bay
The Packers lost to Tampa Bay last week. That's poor. Although, Jerry Jones is an assclown. Which way to go? Dallas because Aaron Rodgers will be sacked seven hundred times in the first ten seconds.

Philadelphia v San Diego
The Super Chargers to win. Philadelphia New Jersey can rot in hell.

New England v Indianapolis
Belichick can eat shit. Let's go Peyton.

Baltimore v Cleveland
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Baltimore wins in an empty stadium.

Pittsburgh v Cincinnati
Can't wait to give Ocho Cinco the Gaper next week.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

The Bungles...Seriously?

WELL NOW...who said the Denver Broncos were "for real"? Oh yeah, everybody at that shit-factory known as ESPN. So the Steelers only go into Denver and destroy the Broncos while they are missing three starters on defense. Surely that would garner some national know...defending champs win FIVE in a row and now sit at 6-2? Surely people will start talking about the defense that hasn't given up a touchdown in two games? The quick answer is no, no big deal. I'm used to the Steelers being ignored in place of the flashy Patriots, Colts, et al. Let them get blown by the media, the Steelers will continue to win as always.

Rant aside, this guy from Sports Illustrated may be the smartest football mind in the world, aside from yours truly. This is the guy...Jim Trotter. He wrote a column dealing with his predictions for the remainder of the NFL season. Here's his number six:

6. The Steelers will not lose another regular-season game. The belief among personnel people is you had better beat the Steelers early in the season because they get stronger as the year progresses. Sure enough, the defending Super Bowl champions have won five in a row and look to be finding their rhythm. More eye-opening: The Bengals are the only team left on Pittsburgh's schedule with a winning record. Scary.
Morely, you need to pick your shit up. Your buddy, Mike Wallace, continues to be reporting the news to every defensive back in the league. As a matter of fact, Wallace will personally deliver a sixty minute diatribe to Cincinnati DB's this week. So, Morely, pick your shit up and start contributing. Pretty soon Steeler Nation will give up on you like they have on Limas Sweed.

Here's some keys to the game today:

Cedric Benson will not gain one hundred yards. Carson Palmer has been loving the Bengals newly found running game. After all, it was Benson who finally ended the Ravens game streak without a one hundred yard rusher. Unfortunately, he will not have the same success against a top level defense.

Pittsburgh linebackers vs. Cincinnati offensive line: Some big plays are required from Harrison and company to throw the Bengals passing game off track. With the loss of production from Cedric Benson, Palmer will try to air it out, and if that loudmouth dickbag Ocho Cinco nets more than fifty yards, I'm going to burn down the Clemente Bridge.

Big Ben is going to destroy the Bengal defense. You watch...I'm saying over 250 yards, and two to three touchdowns.

That's it for now. I'll be watching the game at the only Steelers Bar that I have found in the city of Boston.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

StillerJack is Back

Alright then. Last week was terrible. If the Steelers go on a bye, then so will I. I was really jonesen for Hines Ward last week.

Here we go with my picks.

Washington v Atlanta
This is an easy one. Here's a tip for all of you...when your team's owner starts apologizing for shitty play, don't pick them to win. Atlanta.

Arizona v Chicago
Kurt Warner is looking ridiculously inconsistent this year. BUT, I'll take the Cards anyway. Arizona.

Baltimore v Cincinnati
They both suck. I hate division rivals. I won't pick the winner, but I'll pick Baltimore to not suck as worse.

Kansas City v Jacksonville
This should be an easy pick, but both teams have won games that they had no business being in. I'll take the Los Angeles Jaguars to pull this one out.

Houston v Indianapolis
Everyone keeps saying that this is the biggest game in Texans history. Too bad, because they are going to lose it.

Miami v New England
I would LOVE to take Miami here. Belichick is SATAN!! However, I'll New England to win.

Green Bay v Tampa Bay
In this battle of the Bays, Tampa Bay blows cock. They are so terrible, they might become the first team to ever have two winless seasons. Green Bay.

Carolina v New Orleans
I'll stick with the big easy until they give me a reason not to. New Orleans.

Detroit v Seattle
I don't really give a shit who wins this game. I'll take Detroit in the upset because Seattle is full of coffee drinking whiny bitches.

San Diego v New York Giants
This should be a pretty good game. I'll take the Giants to win a close game.

Tennessee v San Fransisco
Here's another game that nobody cares about. I flipped a coin and took San Fransisco.

Dallas v Philadelphia
Eagles, and it won't be close.

Denver v Pittsburgh

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Vikings suck.

In not so surprising news...the Minnesota Vikings suck. I knew they were a lot of hype, and my friend Dick LeBeau proved that during the Steelers last game. Hell, if it weren't for the deplorable play of the kickoff return team AGAIN, the Vikings wouldn't have even come that close.

What a great game that was. The defense looked great, the offense was moving the ball, Brett Favre looked old and decrepit. Also, I was watching the game in a bar with a Vikings fan in it. Big mistake sir...and thanks for the beer.

No big surprise for the McNulty. See post below.

 we come. Two thoughts:

1. Ryan Clark could kill them from the grave.
2. Kyle Orton sucks. You've got to be kidding me, he's still a starting quarterback?

Final thought:

Cleveland seems to be in mid-season form. I love it. Read up on what their "fans" plan on doing for the Monday night game there in two weeks. They plan on boycotting the first quarter of the game there. Awesome. Although I have a better idea. You should all just stay home. Browns are going to get embarrassed on national television...again. To all of you Browns fans, and I mean both of you. Here is a parting gift from me.

Finally finishing a thought...Brett Favre should die

There really are more than 10 reasons why Brett Favre should die. However, here are my 10:

10. He spells his name like an ass clown.

9. His jeans commercials blow MAJOR ass.

8. He went to school in Hattiesburg Mississippi, or as I like to call it, one of the two armpits of the nation. Now I know what you all are thinking..."Yeah, and I'll bet Cleveland is the other." Well my friends, you are all wrong. Cleveland is more akin to a taint. The jury's out on the other armpit, but Boston is a strong leader.

7. Bastard hasn't used a razor in over two hundred years.

6. If I hear someone call him a "gunslinger" one more time...I might become the other version of a "gunslinger".

5. He never accepted John Madden's man love.

4. Does anyone else remember last season when he was with the Jets and he had a phone conversation with Detroit GM Matt Millen right before the Lions played the Packers? Of course the Lions lost, but still. Brett Favre is a piece of shit.

3. He waffles more than southern breakfasts.

2. He has retired more than the entire state of Florida.

1. Finally, I can't read a sports page or listen to a game without hearing his freaking name. Come to think of it...maybe I will go "gunslinger".