Wednesday, September 30, 2009

60 Minutes cast to the rescue?

I'm a little late on getting this post in. Steelers lost another close game last week. Why did the Steelers lose? Poor execution. It's getting to be a little disappointing to see the number of mistakes made by this team. Quadzilla misses another field goal. Limas "Fuck up" Sweed drops a sure touchdown pass in the endzone. The Steelers cannot score on a 3rd and goal from the one yard line. The defense cannot get off of the field to save their lives. Roethlisberger throws a "Pick-6". Yet despite all of these mistakes and short comings, the Steelers ALMOST win the game.

Here are a few thoughts on the most recent loss:

1. StillerJack is getting pissed that for two weeks in a row the Steelers have burned his pick record. (Which now stands at 22-10 after two weeks.)

2. Mike Wallace is good. I hate to brag, but I believe I called this one. In fact, Mike Wallace is doing so well, the Steelers should explore the athletic prowess of the rest of the 60 Minutes cast. It would probably look something like this:

Morely Safer: Born November 8, 1931 in Toronto.

Morely measures up at 6'6", 295 lbs, and runs the 40 yd. dash in 4.8 seconds. During college he won an "Young Abe Vigoda" look alike contest. Morley would be the perfect anchor to a struggling Pittsburgh "offensive"line, as he can play both right and left tackle.

Steve Kroft: Born August 22, 1945 in Kokomo, Indiana.

At 6'1" and 235 lbs. Kroft is the prototypical size for a power runningback. His running style is similar to Brandon Jacobs of the New York Giants, with one exception, flat out speed. Kroft was timed in the 40 yard dash at 4.3 seconds, and recently beat Willie Parker in a speed-hopscotch competition. In keeping with nickname forms, i.e. "The Bus" and "Frank the Tank", Kroft's nickname would most likely be "Kadillac Kroft".

Lesley Stahl: Born December 16, 1941 (1941-12-16) in Lynn, Massachusetts.

Lesley was born without any toes on her right foot, making it the perfect stub for field goal kicking. During college Lesley's career long field goal was 106 yards, and her lifetime kicking record stands at 1,576 attempts and 1,575 successful kicks. (One ball was stuck by lightning in mid-air. The kick was still on track to make it through the posts, until it was attacked by terrorists.) She is also Jordan's mom.

Bob Simon: Born May 29, 1941 in the Bronx, New York.

Unfortunately Bob Simon, albeit possessing amazing athletic prowess, would not be a good fit in the Pittsburgh system. He is currently serving a two year jail sentence for concealing a handgun in the waistband of his sweatpants at a dog fighting ring. He is known to share a cell with Plaxico Burress.

Scott Pelley: Born July 28, 1957 in San Antonio Texas.

Hailing from the same state as "Big Snack", "Short Stack" measures in at 5'8" and 186 lbs. Pelley owns every NCAA receiver record of consequence, and once played an entire college team by himself and won 21-18. Pelley and Wallace would form the most dominating WR corps in league history.

Andy Rooney: Born January 14, 1919 in Albany New York.

Andy Rooney would force his way onto the coaching staff, using his part-ownership status as leverage. However, once installing himself as the new "offensive"line coach, would easily rival the accomplishments of Russ Grim...especially with his star lineman Morely Safer.

3. Willie Parker is looking better. Parker ran the ball 25 times for 97 yards, a 3.7 yard average. He also reeled in a pass for a touchdown. He doesn't seem to be dancing around in the backfield as much, and will wait for the hole to open up in the defense.

4. Rashard Mendenhall is looking invisible. Mendenhall was not permitted to play on the offense for the Bengals game. Tomlin accredited that to Mendenhall not being properly prepared to in having poor practices. Rashard had better shore up his practice regime, because being a first round pick, the expectations are high for him. (Expectations that he has yet to live up to.)

5. Someone give Quadzilla selective amnesia please. Three misses in two games is ridiculous. If he starts pulling extra points, I'm going to hit him with a paper towel dispenser.

6. The defense NEEDS TROY. There is light on the horizon though. After practice today, which showed Polomalu running on his knee, Troy said "I really felt well." He probably won't see the field this week. However, he could be back in time to face the venerable Lions in two weeks.

7. Short yardage is still woeful. Now Frank "The Tank" is out for the season. Here comes Carey Davis to the rescue...chuckle. Maybe more draw plays with three or four receiver sets are called for to spread the defense out. That could open running room for Parker and Mendenhall (if he ever gets on the field.)

8. Limas Sweed is playing like dogshit. Thank you Limas, for voluntarily giving your spot on the field to Iron Mike Wallace. Catch the ball, shitbag.

9. How about that toolbag Chad Ochocinco? He has a list of defensive backs that he will face this season, and for every big game that he has, he puts a check mark next to the name. Well Chad, you had Ike Taylor on your list. How did you fare? Five receptions for 54 yards and ZERO touchdowns. Congratulations on the Gaper Award this week Chad. By the way, moron, ochocinco means eight five, not eighty five.

Sweet grill, tool.

10. The "offensive"line is looking better each week. One sack for the game, and running room for Parker. I want to give these guys credit every chance I get.

Check back Friday morning when StillerJack makes his picks for the week.

Cleveland sucks man balls.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Steelers add more minority owners

Owner restructuring is finally finished. The Rooney family (the ones that matter) still retain a 30% share of the Steelers. Talk about a retirement plan. Here is a list of all the minority owners...ten bucks if you can tell me who any of these people are with the exception of Stallworth:

James Haslam III
The Paul Family
Thomas Tull
Bruce Raunere
John Stallworth
The Varischetti Family
David Tepper
The Paul Sams family
Ben Statler
Mike Wilkins

I would like to take the time and point out the luckiest people alive. See list above. Also, appreciate the monster load of class displayed by Pat Rooney, "I'm satisfied. I'm not pleased I'm going to be out of it. Those are two different things. It was the proper thing to do and a necessary thing to do from a business standpoint as well as a personal standpoint." Now, if you see Pat as a money hungry whore, read on. "There is absolutely no way that this could have gone into the next generation with all of the people involved," Pat Rooney said. "It would have been impossible to handle regardless of who was sitting in the chair of the Pittsburgh Steelers." He sold to keep it in the family. Thank you Pat Rooney, you have proven that, once again, the Rooney family is all class. (Jerry Jones, take note on what class assclown.)

Cleveland Sucks.

Week Three PIcks

I was 12-4 last week. Eat that.

Alright bitches...week three picks are in. As per my boasting last week, you have the opportunity to submit your own if you want, but face it, you can't beat me. Without further adieu...

Cleveland v Baltimore
Drew Carey was full of shit. Baltimore.

Washington v Detroit
How the hell does Washington get to play St Louis and Detroit back to back? Whatever, Washington wins back to back.

Jacksonville v Houston
I picked against Houston last week, and Matt Schaub took a dump on my face for my efforts. Houston

Atlanta v New England
Even with a Steelers loss last week, I had a smile on my face thanks to the J...E...T...S JETS JETS JETS!! New England's defense is shitty. Wes Welker is back, but Brady sucks. Atlanta wins.

Green Bay v St. Louis
I like to think of St. Louis as a haven for those who don't want to lose two games in a row. Aaron Rodgers will learn that in about 10 seconds. Green Bay.

New York Giants v Tampa Bay
I've got Brandon Jacobs on my fantasy team. Thank goodness, Jacobs runs wild. Giants.

Tennessee v New York Jets

Kansas City v Philadelphia
Mike Vick is back...dogs beware. Philadelphia goes back home to New Jersey with a win this week.

San Francisco v Minnesota
I hate the NFC West, and I know I'm not alone. Brett Favre is a media whore, however, Minnesota.

New Orleans v Buffalo
Until the Saints are held below 200 points per minute I'll pick against them. Until then, Buffalo sucks. New Orleans.

Chicago v Seattle
I hate Jeff Reed. Chicago.

Denver v Oakland
Hey Josh McDaniels, how's life without Jay Cutler? Bitch. Oakland.

Miami v San Diego
Actually, this is a tough one to pick. I'll take San Diego because surely Miami can't hold the ball for 38 minutes like they did against the Colts. What, they ran for over 300 yards and lost that game? Wow, that's shitty. Karma's a bitch, I'll take Miami.

Indianapolis v Arizona
I'll be surprised if the score isn't 205-602 by the end of the first half. Peyton Manning is no David Garrard, the Colts to win.

Carolina v Dallas
Hey Jerry, how about that grand opening to your billion dollar stadium? What? Money can't buy a winning team? (Well, not in the NFL. Ask the Red Sox-Yankees what it's like.) But, I'll still take America's Assclowns to win this week. Dallas.

Pittsburgh v Cincinnati
Come on "offensive" line, let's get that running game going. Pittsburgh.

Monday, September 21, 2009

StillerJack's Week Two Picks Own

Look people, I'm only getting on for a second to let you all know how freaking dominating my picks were this past week. Let's take a look here, actual winner is in bold, my pick is in caps:

ATLANTA - Carolina
Cincinnati - GREEN BAY
ARIZONA - Jacksonville
New England - NEW YORK JETS
- Philadelphia
- Cleveland
INDIANAPOLIS - Miami (Plays tonight)

With only one game left this week, I am 11-4 for my picks in week one. Read what I said too, because I was right on the quality of the wins and the games. I'm awesome. You don't get a shirt like mine for being a football knowledge dicktard. My picks owned this week. I'm throwing down right now people. I'll post my picks early Friday morning, and all you people can post yours in the comment section. Come the following Tuesday, I'll throw mad acclaim to the overall winner, but I KNOW it'll just be me anyway.

-End Rant-

Quadzilla disgusted with himself, "There's no excuse"

"There is no excuse", that is what Jeff "Quadzilla" Reed was quoted as saying after the Steelers lost to the Chicago Bears on Sunday. But what was Jeff Reed talking about? Was he talking about the picture to the left...his common party outfit? Was he talking about that time he destroyed an entire Sheetz gas station because they were out of hand towels? Well Jeff, you can get away with all of this shit for two reasons. First, because they're all funny as hell. Second, you are clutch with the toe...until Sunday.

I don't have to tell anybody, but to meet the extremely high journalistic standards I hold this site to, I will report that Quadzilla was 0-2 on field goals longer than 24 inches on Sunday. This is what 'Zilla had to say after the complete bullshit loss,

"There's no excuse," said Quad, who insisted he did not slip on the soggy field. "I missed two kicks and basically what it was, I was trying too hard on both of them. That's what happens to a right-footed kicker -- you hook them. I'm just embarrassed because these guys fought their tail off to win the game. If there's one player who can single-handedly lose a game, I'll take credit for it." Zilla was going to be the recipient of the weekly McNulty Gaper award, but he manned up and showed that he's got them swinging downstairs with his post-game quotes. You could blame Sepulveda for shitty holds, but Dan kept the laces out. (Luckily, because Reed doesn't have too far to go to be a cross dressing psychotic.)

In good news, the Steelers running offense looked vastly improved from last week. That improvement has to do with the quality of the defense they were facing (An Urlacher-less Bears D doesn't quite equal Tennessee), but also to an improved "less-offensive" line. They provided quality holes for Parker (47 yards) and Mendenhall (39 yards), but the primary motivation of the offense was the passing game this week. Roethlisberger threw for 221 yards on 23 of 35 attempts, one passing touchdown, and ran another in for a score. Ben looked good, Holmes looked like dogshit.

That brings us to the much awaited and heralded Gaper of the Week Award. Congratulations Santonio Holmes, for dropping every damn ball that came your freaking way.

Friday, September 18, 2009

StillerJack's Week Two Picks

StillerJack has a lifetime career pick record of 0-0

Alright everybody, it's time for me to make some picks for the upcoming NFL weekend. I'll pick the winner for every game, and give a little synopsis of why I'm right. (Even if the team I pick loses, that's there problem. I'm still right. So eat it.)

Carolina vs. Atlanta
I like Atlanta because Jake "Not my Del-homie" is sucking worse than (insert any Cleveland quarterback EVER). Atlanta wins.

Minnesota vs. Detroit
Minnesota by 20 points, or, two more points than the number of season ticket holders in Detroit. Whichever comes first.

Cincinnati vs. Green Bay
Green Bay. See quarterback comment above, and apply to Carson Palmer. Also, Ohio sucks.

Arizona vs. Jacksonville
Arizona wins in proportion to the strength of Kurt Warner's Viagra. Hey, I don't blame him...his wife is hot. You know, for her age. I obviously like older women.

Oakland vs. Kansas City
Kansas City. I flipped a coin. The winner was Kansas City, but is there any real winner in this match up, fans included?

New England vs. New York Jets
I'll take the Jets in the upset because Bill Belichick is THE DEVIL. I had a guy in Boston tell me that I was a terrorist because I wasn't a "Patriots" fan. I said, "No sir, I'm not a "Patriots" fan because I know something about football. Something you, being a dicktard, clearly don't."

New Orleans vs. Philadelphia
New Orleans wins because McNabb is hurt again. I'm surprised it took almost the whole first game for McNabb to get hurt. At least he's still alive. Drew Brees, the best QB since Ben Roethlisberger, is going to embarrass the entire city of Philadelphia, New Jersey.

Houston vs. Tennessee
The Houston wait...the Tennessee Tennessee Titans win because the Houston Texans will never win more than 8 games in a season. They just got crushed by the New York Jets, and face an even tougher defense in the Titans. Houston, you have a problem. (Couldn't resist.)

St. Louis vs. Washington
File this game under extremely non-competitive. Washington wins before the opening kickoff.

Tampa Bay vs. Buffalo
I'll take Buffalo, for no reason other than pity.

Seattle vs. San Fransisco
Here's a game nobody east of Idaho will give a shit about. Hey, magic eight ball, will Seattle win this game? "Out look points to who gives a damn." Well eight ball, you got that right. I'll take San Fransisco to win because they don't cry about superbowl loses FOUR YEARS LATER!!

Cleveland vs. Denver
Are you kidding? I'd pick a morgue to beat Cleveland.

Baltimore vs. San Diego
It's gonna be Baltimore in another offensive shootout. I like the way their defense played against the Chiefs. Spoke well of the Steelers chances of rocking the division. Eat that shit ESPN!

New York Giants vs. Dallas
Jerry Jones is an assclown. I'll take the Giants.

Indianapolis vs. Miami
Peyton over Pennington any day of the week. (Unless that day happens to fall on shomer shabbos. YOU DON'T FUCKING ROLL ON SHOMER SHABBOS!!)

Pittsburgh vs. Chicago
Wait...did da Bears field an entire team of vicious, man eating, mini Ditkas? What? No Ditka? Not at all? I'll take da Bears to lose a close one at home.

There you have it everyone. Take those picks to the bank.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Was that OUR Running Game?

I don't plan on bashing the "offensive" line in this post, but merely attempt to explain why the Steelers who have historically been the best rushing team in the NFL over the past 40 years could only manage 36 rushing yards in their season opener.

Jerome Bettis, you may remember him, writes a weekly article for Sports Illustrated. This is a little of what he had to say, “I don’t think they’ve reached a panic situation yet because the Titans don’t allow anyone to run the football on them,” Bettis wrote. “But there are serious problems. Willie Parker: I haven’t seen much from him. Rashard Mendenhall: I haven’t really seen him, period. ... The running back I like least on the team is Frank Summers, the rookie fullback. He doesn’t seem to understand what’s going on. He’s missing plenty of blocks and that’s affecting everything. This definitely has to be addressed off the field this week.”

Summers is a fifth-round draft pick from UNLV who was outplayed during training camp and in the exhibition games by non-drafted rookie Isaac Redman, who is currently on the practice squad. Summers did not have any carries against Tennessee.

What Bettis said is basically true. The Steelers faced one of the tougher defenses against the run that they will see all year. (Obvious exceptions are Minnesota and Baltimore) For the majority of the game the Titans employed eight men at the line of scrimmage, and even without perennial probowl tackle Albert Haynesworth, proved to be able to stymie the Steelers run offense again and again. The Titans eight man front was a big reason why the Steelers pass offense was so prolific.

Pittsburgh switched to more three and four receiver formations to try and open up some running lanes for Parker. That probably would have worked had it not been for the plethora of missed blocks by fullback Frank Summers, and the lack of confidence Parker had in the line. As a veteran runningback, Parker knows that if he waits jus
t a fraction of a second, a hole will open up in the defense, or a cutback lane will open up. However, as soon as Parker touched the ball he was slamming into the line. Not all of that is his fault, because on plenty of occasions the defensive line caught Parker in the backfield. That fault would fall onto the "offensive" line.

Head coach Mike Tomlin said during his press conference after the game about the run offense,

“I believe particularly, in September football, people make a commitment to stopping the run,” said Tomlin. “It’s easier to make that commitment in September when everybody feels good and you have all the horses in the stable. I think over the course of the long haul, you see who’s good at it week in and week out. It’s usually tough sledding (running the ball) early in the football season, and that’s been my experience. That was my intent when I was a defensive play-caller. In order to be a good defense, it starts there, making people somewhat one-dimensional, making people struggle if they’re running the football.”

I'll say it again, iced tea gets cooler when it is placed in Mike Tomlin's hand.

Here are some things that should be pointed out:

1. The pass protection was terrific. Sure Roethlisberger was sacked four times on 43 attempts, but everybody in Pittsburgh knows that his sack numbers are elevated because he holds the ball for at least 35 minutes on every pass play.

2. Sunday the Steelers square off against a Bears team that has just lost their star linebacker in Brian Urlacher for the season. That's bad news for da Bears considering the defense was already aging and is said to have lost a step.

3. The play of Tyrone Carter was serviceable in place of all-universe strong safety Troy Polamalu. Tennessee QB Kerry Collins (GO PENN STATE!!) had more success in the passing game during the second half when Polamalu was sidelined, but don't expect the same result in Chicago. With the possible debut of full-time starter Lawrence Timmons, LeBeau will have another playmaker on the field to scheme around. Additionally, expect Carter to employ The Crane, as shown, more effectively.

That's all for now. Be sure to check back on Friday when StillerJack makes his official pick for the game.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Sloppy Win, Titans are Classless AssClowns

I'm a little late on this article recalling the thrilling victory of the Steelers over the Titans last Thursday, but hey, I've just now sobered up. Indeed, the Steelers and the Titans squared off on the field to kick off the NFL season last Thursday. Result? Steelers win...13-10 in overtime.

It was a traditional Steelers game with the "offensive" line performing at an extremely high level, for a little-league baseball team. How does this stat line sound...Willie Parker - 19 yards on 13 carries. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING!?! That's a 1.5 yard average. Parker could trip every time he got the ball and still have a higher average than that. DISGUSTING. Here's an idea on how to save some money towards the salary cap: can the entire "offensive" line. Throw their pathetic asses right out of Pittsburgh. Just have the long snapper hike the ball to Ben each play, and he'll run around for awhile, then hit Holmes for a ten yard gain.

However, it's not all the line's fault. Someone should tell Bruce Arians that Willie Parker IS NOT Jerome Bettis. Stop trying to run him up the middle every play. There is not a decent fullback on the roster, so you can't have a power running game with a singleback look, especially when that single back is a scatback like Parker. It's a good think Arians has a good rapport with Roethlisberger, or his ass would be outta here!

Alright, enough bashing. Steelers win, and my friend's wife goes un-smacked for one more week. Let's talk about how the Titans are nothing but big, gaping vaginas. In fact, I'm going to start a weekly award...Andrea McNulty's Big Gaper of the Week Award...the recipient this week is Titans' TE Bo Scaife.

Scaife's world got rocked by James Harrison when Scaife caught a pass and attempted to get a first down. Unfortunately, James Harrison was also on the field. (You should know the inevitable outcome.) Scaife was quoted after the game crying like a bitch, "I have been playing my whole life and no one has ever hit me like that. So I know when it is real and when it is not real. So it was a cheap shot and I don't care if that gets back to him either." Scaife was probably quoted later when he wailed, "I mean, why does he have to hit so hard? All I wanted to do was get a first down, and Harrison hit me hard! Are they allowed to do that? Are they allowed to hit hard? Can't we just be friends? This interview's over, I've gotta call my life partner." -BITCH- If I was Scaife I would be worried if his comments "got back" to Harrison. Scaife, if you see any of the following forms of James Harrison near you, run like the bitch you are.

Runners up for the Gaper Award this week were:

Nate Washington - Quoted as saying, "The Steelers didn't win, we lost." Nate, that's the same thing, moron.

Chris Johnson - Quoted as saying, ""We couldn't finish. We gave them the game...I know the better team didn't win." Strong showing for biggest bitch on the team.

LenDale White - This guy is just a douche bag.

StillersBlog's brand new mascot, StillerJack, was quoted after the game saying, "The Titans suck my nuts. I've got more class in this diaper than they have on their roster. If I ever see LenDale White in person, I'll teabag that punk-ass bitch." Strong words kid.

More postgame fallout later this week including a review of Polamalu's injury. Steelers rock...1-0. Cleveland sucks.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Football Season is Finally Here!!

Finally, no more preseason games. No more listening to ESPN pundits break down the first four preseason games and use those performances as excuses to bash Pittsburgh. No more training camp news, or training camp heroes for that matter. The roster is set, and the games start Thursday. In celebration of the new season, I have decided to list ten things every Steelers fan should know entering the 2009-2010 regular season.

10. The Browns will continue to toss the salad of the NFL. No fanbase in the history of the NFL is as delusional as the Cleveland Browns'. I used to talk to some of these morons, and somehow the conversation was always drawn to the Browns dominance in the pre-Superbowl era. Alright, they dominated the league when there was one good quarterback and runningback, and they had them both. Now what? Cleveland will soon be the only franchise to enjoy the prestige of never being associated with the Superbowl. That would be either playing in it, or hosting it. If they win 6 games this year I'll change my opinion of Brady Quinn, and start believing he is straight.

9. The defense will not lose a step this year. Despite the humongous turnover on the defense...oh wait, one part-time starter, they will manage to somehow remain dominant. Hell, not counting Cincinnatti, Pittsburgh could start the scout team offense as their defense and still dominate the division.

8. The "offensive" line will be better this season. I say this partly out of hope and partly because I believe another year of continuity is just was the doctor ordered. Over the years I've come to completely trust in Kevin Colbert, and all the crazy shit he not resigning Joey Porter but instead promoting James Harrison, saying goodbye to Chris Hope and hello to Ryan Clark, and bringing in Mewelde Moore (although I'm sure Tomlin had a big hand in that). I just wish Russ Grimm was still here. He would have whipped those "inglorious basterds" into shape by now. On the plus side, they couldn't get much worse this season.

7. Everyone will see what kind of toolbags work at ESPN this year. The Steelers are defending Superbowl champions with a great shot at repeating and what is the headline at ESPN? Whether or not Tom Brady will thrown 10 bazillion touchdowns this year. This is the NFL version of the Brady Bunch:

6. Cleveland still sucks.

5. Rashard Mendenhall will be a beast this year. If it wasn't for Ray Lewis twisting him around for a "Raven Ass-Raping" last year, Mendenhall would have had a breakout year. Well, RayRay's boy lust has only pushed back the timetable one year. Look for Mendenhall to supplant Parker as the starting back this season.

4. Sweed will also breakout this year. If the line is as poor as last year, the offense will be forced into a lot of third and longs. With two Superbowl MVP's as their starting wideouts, that leaves a gap for a third receiver to do some damage. Ask Nate Washington what it is like to ride the coattails of two great receivers and parlay that into a big payday. Don't even get me started with the shit he's saying now, just look it up later. Sweed would probably have supplanted him this year anyway. Limas will be everything to Pittsburgh that Burress was to the Giants, but without the overwhelming stupidity.

3. Timmons will destroy all that get's in his path. I mean, just took at what the hell he is doing the picture below. Do you know what those steel containers are filled with? All the hopes and dreams of envious linebackers in the NFL who don't play for the Steelers. They know they're pussies, and Timmons could kill them with his thoughts. Personally, I didn't like him as a first round pick last year, but as usual, Kevin Colbert told me to shut the hell up. You know what, Kevin was right again.

2. Ben Roethlisberger will make the Pro bowl. This isn't the usual drive for someone in Pittsburgh, because team success always comes first. However, Ben is going to have an immaculate season behind center this year. I'm calling for 30+ touchdowns.

1. Finally, the Steelers will repeat. With the fourth easiest schedule in the NFL, Pittsburgh will cruise to a division championship, and possibly end up hosting the Conference Championship again. What a year. Soon Steeler Nation will have to come up with some other catchy saying like one for the big toe or something, because the will be out of fingers. (And Cleveland will never win a championship.)