OK everybody, I didn't fare too well last week. I ended up 9-6. Not to shabby, if you know nothing about football at all. Clearly that's not my case...look at my shirt.
Buffalo Bills at Green Bay Packers
Come on. If I lived in the city of Buffalo, I'd move. Simple enough. They get rocked by the Packers this week.
Packers.
Miami Dolphins at Minnesota Vikings
As much as I hate to admit this, but the Vikings win this game. I wish Brett Favre would die...or at the very least spell his name phonetically. What an asshole.
Vikings
Kansas City Chiefs vs Cleveland Browns
The Chiefs win this game despite their best efforts to blow a chode. The Browns lose this game and begin to salivate over the #1 draft spot they are headed for. Too bad they'll blow that pick, like they always do.
Chiefs
Chicago Bears at Dallas Cowboys
The Bears almost lost to the Lions last week. Basically, enough said.
Cowboys
Arizona Cardinals at Atlanta Falcons
I picked St. Louis to beat the Cardinals last week. That would have been awesome. The Falcons win this game. They've got to be feeling pissed off over having their collective ass handed to them by Pittsburgh.
Falcons
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Carolina Panthers
The Panthers almost pulled out a win against the Giants last week. True, the Giants are a mediocre team again, but that's still a light year ahead of where the Bucs are.
Panthers
Philadelphia Eagles at Detroit Lions
With Mike Vick under center, and no dogs in sight, the Eagles win this game handily. I can't wait for Vick to start against Cleveland in Cleveland. I would love to see an empty "Dawg Pound".
Eagles
Baltimore Ravens at Cincinnati Bengals
I don't really see this one being that close. The Ravens apparently couldn't get their offense going against the Jets, but did you see the Bengals/Patiots game? I see the Ravens lighting them up in similar fashion.
Ravens
Seattle Seahawks at Denver Broncos
I'm still not sure what to think about Pete Carrol in the NFL. I'll give him the nod this week as I also don't know what to think about Josh McDaniels in the NFL.
Seahawks
St. Louis Rams at Oakland Raiders
This is pretty much a game of bottom feeding. I think the Raiders will come into the game pissed off about being completely embarrassed last week when they played the Titans.
Raiders
Houston Texans at Washington Redskins
How about that Texan running game? Where the Hell did that come from? Now, I don't see Arian Foster having as big of a day against a better Washington run defense, but the Texans will still win the game.
Texans
New England Patriots at New York Jets
Wow did the Jets look terrible last week. That's what Rex Ryan gets for being a complete asshole. The schooling continues as the Patriots win a close one.
Patriots
Jacksonville Jaguars at San Diego Chargers
The Jaguars surprised me last week with a win over the Broncos. The Chargers surprised me last week with a loss to the Chiefs. I'll decide to continue to be surprised.
Jaguars
New York Giants at Indianapolis Colts
Man, did the Colts get embarrassed last week by Arian Foster. I think they'll make some adjustments to that atrocious run defense and get the win over the Giants. After all, Eli is a bitch and Peyton's commercials are much funnier.
Colts
New Orleans Saints at San Francisco 49ers
This is an easy one to call. The 49ers defense did not look like it's touted ranking indicated last week. The Saints should win this one easily.
Saints
Pittsburgh Steelers at Tennessee Titans
Of all of the games sans Roethlisberger, this is one that the Steelers could very easily lose. The key will be the defensive line play without Big Snack. Let's hope that Hood and Hoke will equal at least one Hampton. Also, I thoroughly believe that Vince Young might be the dumbest football player in ah-MER-i-kah.
Steelers
"More rings than Cleveland has jobs."
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Madden Prognostications...Week Two Style
Alright all, DualhazzarD2 is back for another week of predicting games...Madden style. I would like to point out that he was 3-0 last week, so that means that he's pretty much right all of the time.
Well start with the Cleveland Browns versus Kansas City Chiefs because I heard that you were always suppose to start with a joke.
C-Town? Joke. Also, why does Matt Cassel look like an animated version of Superman? Finally, at one minute into the video Chris Collinsworth shuts the Hell up. I wouldn't mind them doing more with pregame activities and interviews...if they weren't the same for every damn game. At least there is no Madden.
The game starts out how I would expect it, in a battle of ineptitude. With the score tied at three, and one minute left in the half, Joshua Cribbs' feet definitely didn't "fail him now" as he scored a touchdown. Seriously DualhazzarD2? I'm calling shenanigans on this crap. The Chiefs go on to kick another field goal before the end of the half leaving the score 10-6. This outcome would not be surprising, but I would reverse the score.
The Chiefs go on to kick two more field goals in the next half to go up 12-10. I have to give it up to DualhazzarD2's field goal kicking ability...because I certainly can't on his third down ability against the Browns. On the following kickoff Cribbs fumbles and the Chiefs recover for a touchdown. This is something that we in Pittsburgh know does not happen. I still have Joshua Cribbs themed nightmares. (Although in these nightmares he really has no affiliation with the Browns.)
Each team scores another touchdown before the end of the game, and the Browns lose again. Classic. I love the guy yelling "That's what I'm talking about baby!" when the Chiefs score the last one. Due to the fact that there are not really any Chiefs fans, I'm assuming this is a disenfranchised "Dawg Pound" idiot...possibly Pound Dawg? Haven't heard from that bitch in awhile. Anyway, the Browns lose and life is as it should be.
The next game features the Baltimore Ravens versus Cincinnati Bengals. I like how the play each other so I don't have to write two more of these.
The Bungles start off with a field goal, followed by a Ray Rice touchdown beatdown. I'm particularly happy to see that as Ray Rice is on my fantasy team. Cincinnati scores another touchdown and the announcer actually says "Who Dey?". What is this, 2004? Plus, Who Dey was a stupid catch phrase in the first place. Leave it to a group of Ohians to be completely retarded.
Palmer goes on to throw another one to Ocho Chodo, and the Ravens follow suit with a field goal. The score at the half is 20-10 Bungles. No. After last weeks performance against the Patriots, I'm saying that the Ravens will roll in this game. Also, I can see that DualhazzarD2 doesn't like to run much, as the Ravens only have 9 yards rushing to the Bungles 13.
The second half must have been a defensive struggle as the Ravens go on to lose the game 23-17 to the Bungles. Again, no. Sorry DualhazzarD2, but I'm disagreeing with this one.
As for the Steelers game, DualhazzarD2 sent me an email saying that he didn't even sim the game. He reasoned, "What's the point. I'll tell you the outcome without playing the game...Steelers win 214-(-23)." I like this guy's optimism, but like his rationale more, "Everyone in Tennessee is illiterate." Can't agree more DualhazzarD2, can't agree more.
So in lieu of the Steelers' game footage, I'll post this video.
Well start with the Cleveland Browns versus Kansas City Chiefs because I heard that you were always suppose to start with a joke.
C-Town? Joke. Also, why does Matt Cassel look like an animated version of Superman? Finally, at one minute into the video Chris Collinsworth shuts the Hell up. I wouldn't mind them doing more with pregame activities and interviews...if they weren't the same for every damn game. At least there is no Madden.
The game starts out how I would expect it, in a battle of ineptitude. With the score tied at three, and one minute left in the half, Joshua Cribbs' feet definitely didn't "fail him now" as he scored a touchdown. Seriously DualhazzarD2? I'm calling shenanigans on this crap. The Chiefs go on to kick another field goal before the end of the half leaving the score 10-6. This outcome would not be surprising, but I would reverse the score.
The Chiefs go on to kick two more field goals in the next half to go up 12-10. I have to give it up to DualhazzarD2's field goal kicking ability...because I certainly can't on his third down ability against the Browns. On the following kickoff Cribbs fumbles and the Chiefs recover for a touchdown. This is something that we in Pittsburgh know does not happen. I still have Joshua Cribbs themed nightmares. (Although in these nightmares he really has no affiliation with the Browns.)
Each team scores another touchdown before the end of the game, and the Browns lose again. Classic. I love the guy yelling "That's what I'm talking about baby!" when the Chiefs score the last one. Due to the fact that there are not really any Chiefs fans, I'm assuming this is a disenfranchised "Dawg Pound" idiot...possibly Pound Dawg? Haven't heard from that bitch in awhile. Anyway, the Browns lose and life is as it should be.
The next game features the Baltimore Ravens versus Cincinnati Bengals. I like how the play each other so I don't have to write two more of these.
The Bungles start off with a field goal, followed by a Ray Rice touchdown beatdown. I'm particularly happy to see that as Ray Rice is on my fantasy team. Cincinnati scores another touchdown and the announcer actually says "Who Dey?". What is this, 2004? Plus, Who Dey was a stupid catch phrase in the first place. Leave it to a group of Ohians to be completely retarded.
Palmer goes on to throw another one to Ocho Chodo, and the Ravens follow suit with a field goal. The score at the half is 20-10 Bungles. No. After last weeks performance against the Patriots, I'm saying that the Ravens will roll in this game. Also, I can see that DualhazzarD2 doesn't like to run much, as the Ravens only have 9 yards rushing to the Bungles 13.
The second half must have been a defensive struggle as the Ravens go on to lose the game 23-17 to the Bungles. Again, no. Sorry DualhazzarD2, but I'm disagreeing with this one.
As for the Steelers game, DualhazzarD2 sent me an email saying that he didn't even sim the game. He reasoned, "What's the point. I'll tell you the outcome without playing the game...Steelers win 214-(-23)." I like this guy's optimism, but like his rationale more, "Everyone in Tennessee is illiterate." Can't agree more DualhazzarD2, can't agree more.
So in lieu of the Steelers' game footage, I'll post this video.
A boombox is not a toy.
The Browns blow...hard.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
"Brains" of Tennessee
I saw this clip this morning on YouTube, and simply could not wait one second to put it up. Literally, I dropped everything I was doing to comment on the educational level available to everyone in Tennessee. Look, I know I post a lot of YouTube videos, but this is the first time where I can make fun of someone to the digital approximation of their face. You think I'm going to pass that up? Seriously? I also posted the URL to this blog in his comment section so he can feel free to visit and learn.
Phatpat38127 posted a video this morning regarding his feelings on the Steelers and Titans game this weekend. First of all, great moniker. It does it's job well of concealing any personal information about you. EXCEPT that your name is Pat, you clearly suffer from narcissism, and you live in Memphis, Tennessee. But hey, I'm no Columbo.
Alright my boy, Phatpat, coming at me one more time...one question? Did you capture your video on this?
Phatpat38127 posted a video this morning regarding his feelings on the Steelers and Titans game this weekend. First of all, great moniker. It does it's job well of concealing any personal information about you. EXCEPT that your name is Pat, you clearly suffer from narcissism, and you live in Memphis, Tennessee. But hey, I'm no Columbo.
Alright my boy, Phatpat, coming at me one more time...one question? Did you capture your video on this?
Because I'm pretty sure that's the only way you can get away with having such shitty quality. Come on Phatpat, I'm coming at you with information...buy a digital camcorder and say goodbye forever to the terrible quality of your videos. Well, the digital camcorder will merely improve the way the video looks. I have a feeling your posts will still be of terrible quality.
Phatpat, by saying that the Steelers are 5-1 at (InsertgibberishwiththterribleTennesseeaccent) Field you are actually saying that the Steelers have WON five times, and lost only once. I know math is not a strong point in the border states, but trust me. I also enjoy how you down played the Steelers' win at the beginning of last season by pointing out that your Titans started the season 0-6. Classic reverse psychology...assuming you knew what psychology or even reverse meant.
What were you doing around 1:30? Were you about to throw up? Also, I know who the starting halfback and quarterback are for the Titans, but do you? Other than, of course, their initials. I can appreciate you trying to save time by only saying the initials. Clearly you are on your way to an extremely important engagement, during the video which would explain why you were walking around the whole time. Possibly a MENSA meeting.
I'm sorry guy, but when you went all high pitched, I couldn't understand a single accented word coming out of your accented mouth. I'm assuming they were in fact words, and not just border state mating calls. And as for Cartman, come on you stupid-hill. (Phatpat, did you really call someone a stupid-hill?) The Titans don't play your sorry ass team for five more weeks. OK? So get off of his PhatNutz. Peace out.
Probably the best part of the video was the last thirty seconds. Was that Sloth? Sloth love PhatPat. Actually, the photo at 2:43 was rather funny. Consider everyone at Stillers Blog happy that we decided to prepare so there is not need to beware.
Idiot.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Remember that time the Steelers Embarrassed the Falcons?
I do. It seems like it were only the day before yesterday that the Steelers completely shut down the "NFC playoff caliber" Atlanta Falcons. We're talking a beat down to the tune of no touchdowns allowed, 6-16 on third down, and 42 yards rushing. Hello 2008 Steelers defense. Welcome back.
Now I completely appreciate the fact that the Steelers' offense was just as terrible...but Pittsburgh was playing their third string quarterback...who was drafted in the sixth round. Atlanta? First string, first round draft pick quarterback who looked borderline mentally challenged when facing Dick LeBeau. (Although, Dick LeBeau makes Nobel laureates look stupid.) Here are some general thoughts regarding this beautiful beatdown:
1. Troy Polamalu is back. Not only did he register five tackles, three of them solo tackles, he was all over the field. He was in position to make several big plays but seemed that that famous Troy Timing was off a little bit. That will improve as the season progresses. Easily his biggest play came at the end of regulation when he and his million dollar follicles intercepted a Ryan pass to set up a missed field goal by Quadzilla.
2. The "not-so-offensive" line looked borderline decent this week. I'm not getting too excited here because of how low the Falcons' defense is rated, but the "offensive" line only gave up three sacks, two of which were clearly Dixon's fault, and helped Mendenhall rush for 120 yards when the Falcons were clearly stacking their defense against the run. "Hotel" Adams garnered his expected number of false start penalties, and it's about the time of year when Max Starks gets hurt, but look for this line to improve throughout the next couple of games.
3. This is the year, or at least the first four games, of the running back. Mendenhall rushed for 120 yards on 22 carries and an overtime touchdown. Redman added his short yardage talents to gain 19 yards on 6 carries. These two guys are going to have big games in the next three weeks. After that Roethlisberger will be back under center and Arians will continue his policy of throwing for eight fifty yard passes per game. (Thank goodness I have Wallace on my fantasy team.)
4. Is Timmons finally becoming a good linebacker? Knock on wood here, but Timmons looked very good both against the pass and in the run defense. This could be the year that he finally proves that he's not completely inept at his job. Crossing my fingers.
5. The secondary needs some work. The re-addition of McFadden did little to shore up a terrible secondary from last year. McFadden was commonly beat in cuts by Roddy White who ended up with over 100 yards receiving for the day. The good news was that he was the only Falcons receiver even close to that mark. Also, the secondary eliminated the big play which was something the certainly could not do last year.
6. Daniel Sepulveda is ridiculous. He averaged 51 yards a punt. Averaged. I would say, other than Mendenhall, that he was the second or third most influential player on the field. Let's face it, the whole game was a field position battle, and if not for Sepulveda, the Falcons would have won that battle more often than not.
7. Special teams didn't look as "special" as they used to. It's still early, but I was happy not to see Atlanta return every kickoff to the fifty, and return every punt for 30+ yards. Pittsburgh needs to improve the return game though.
8. Heinz Ward will never age. He caught six passes for 108 yards to move him over 900 receptions and 11,000 yards for his career. I can't wait for his Canton admission.
9. Mike Wallace reported some news, showing that he is definitely comfortable in his new role as the second wide receiver. This is making me wish Big Ben was back because a trio of Ward, Wallace, and Randle El is just too good to waste.
10. Junior Slash looked average against the Falcons. He made some big plays in the passing game, but more often than not threw some incredibly ill advised passes which ended up in one interception, and the possibility for three more. He could have totally changed the way the game was played on Sunday had he been more comfortable to tuck and run versus trying to force a play. This is why I hate Bruce Arians. Let Junior Slash be Junior Slash. He's still far and away the better choice between him and Baby Face.
I was extremely happy with the game, and found it increasingly difficult to determine who would be the recipient of this week's Gaper Award. However, after careful consideration, I'm giving it to Quadzilla.
You cried like a bitch over not getting a new contract and being forced to only make 2.1 million dollars this season. One reason you cited for deserving of a new contract was having the ethereal ability to kick in Heinz Field. You further pointed out that only your partial God status allows you to handle the wind currents that make other kickers shit in their pants. Well, Quadzilla, even with your un-Earthly ability to kick a ball in the air, you missed the GAME WINNING FIELD GOAL. This probably wouldn't have been a big deal had you not already made one from a further distance, also kicking into the open end of the stadium.
Now I completely appreciate the fact that the Steelers' offense was just as terrible...but Pittsburgh was playing their third string quarterback...who was drafted in the sixth round. Atlanta? First string, first round draft pick quarterback who looked borderline mentally challenged when facing Dick LeBeau. (Although, Dick LeBeau makes Nobel laureates look stupid.) Here are some general thoughts regarding this beautiful beatdown:
1. Troy Polamalu is back. Not only did he register five tackles, three of them solo tackles, he was all over the field. He was in position to make several big plays but seemed that that famous Troy Timing was off a little bit. That will improve as the season progresses. Easily his biggest play came at the end of regulation when he and his million dollar follicles intercepted a Ryan pass to set up a missed field goal by Quadzilla.
2. The "not-so-offensive" line looked borderline decent this week. I'm not getting too excited here because of how low the Falcons' defense is rated, but the "offensive" line only gave up three sacks, two of which were clearly Dixon's fault, and helped Mendenhall rush for 120 yards when the Falcons were clearly stacking their defense against the run. "Hotel" Adams garnered his expected number of false start penalties, and it's about the time of year when Max Starks gets hurt, but look for this line to improve throughout the next couple of games.
3. This is the year, or at least the first four games, of the running back. Mendenhall rushed for 120 yards on 22 carries and an overtime touchdown. Redman added his short yardage talents to gain 19 yards on 6 carries. These two guys are going to have big games in the next three weeks. After that Roethlisberger will be back under center and Arians will continue his policy of throwing for eight fifty yard passes per game. (Thank goodness I have Wallace on my fantasy team.)
4. Is Timmons finally becoming a good linebacker? Knock on wood here, but Timmons looked very good both against the pass and in the run defense. This could be the year that he finally proves that he's not completely inept at his job. Crossing my fingers.
5. The secondary needs some work. The re-addition of McFadden did little to shore up a terrible secondary from last year. McFadden was commonly beat in cuts by Roddy White who ended up with over 100 yards receiving for the day. The good news was that he was the only Falcons receiver even close to that mark. Also, the secondary eliminated the big play which was something the certainly could not do last year.
6. Daniel Sepulveda is ridiculous. He averaged 51 yards a punt. Averaged. I would say, other than Mendenhall, that he was the second or third most influential player on the field. Let's face it, the whole game was a field position battle, and if not for Sepulveda, the Falcons would have won that battle more often than not.
7. Special teams didn't look as "special" as they used to. It's still early, but I was happy not to see Atlanta return every kickoff to the fifty, and return every punt for 30+ yards. Pittsburgh needs to improve the return game though.
8. Heinz Ward will never age. He caught six passes for 108 yards to move him over 900 receptions and 11,000 yards for his career. I can't wait for his Canton admission.
9. Mike Wallace reported some news, showing that he is definitely comfortable in his new role as the second wide receiver. This is making me wish Big Ben was back because a trio of Ward, Wallace, and Randle El is just too good to waste.
10. Junior Slash looked average against the Falcons. He made some big plays in the passing game, but more often than not threw some incredibly ill advised passes which ended up in one interception, and the possibility for three more. He could have totally changed the way the game was played on Sunday had he been more comfortable to tuck and run versus trying to force a play. This is why I hate Bruce Arians. Let Junior Slash be Junior Slash. He's still far and away the better choice between him and Baby Face.
I was extremely happy with the game, and found it increasingly difficult to determine who would be the recipient of this week's Gaper Award. However, after careful consideration, I'm giving it to Quadzilla.
You cried like a bitch over not getting a new contract and being forced to only make 2.1 million dollars this season. One reason you cited for deserving of a new contract was having the ethereal ability to kick in Heinz Field. You further pointed out that only your partial God status allows you to handle the wind currents that make other kickers shit in their pants. Well, Quadzilla, even with your un-Earthly ability to kick a ball in the air, you missed the GAME WINNING FIELD GOAL. This probably wouldn't have been a big deal had you not already made one from a further distance, also kicking into the open end of the stadium.
Cleveland lost to the last place team in the NFL. Oh wait, they are the last place team in the NFL. My bad.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
StillerJack Rocking your World 2010 Style
I'm the mascot, bitch. I'll rock your world with knowledge because I have it and you don't.
I'm back making my weekly picks this season after a very successful campaign last year. Here we go:
Minnesota Vikings vs. New Orleans Saints
I'm late on this one...but I had the Saints to win. However, I can't take away any points for this game this week. Side note, I love watching Brett Favre lose.
Saints
Cleveland Bottomfeeders vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Seriously? No contest as the Bucs go on to win to the fashion of 219-(-3). Yeah, that's a negative score. A new rule was passed by the NFL last year that states that the Bottomfeeders automatically start at negative ten each game until the quit and kill themselves.
Buccaneers
Miami Dolphins vs. Buffalo Bills
There really isn't a contest here either as Ronny Brown and Ricky Williams run wild all over Buffalo. The only thing that will make me pay attention is C.J. Spiller. He's suppose to be exciting, and I like being excited.
Dolphins
Cincinnati Bengals vs. New England Patriots
This is the game where the Queen City (very apt by the way) realizes that a first place schedule is harder than the bottomfeeding schedule they've been playing for YEARS. I'm giving this to the Patriots, although I wish Brady had died in a car accident.
Patriots
Indianapolis Colts vs. Houston Texans
The Texans are no longer a joke. With that admission, they still don't beat the Colts today. Peyton Manning and his commercial prowess air it out and win their season opener.
Colts
Denver Broncos vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
The Jags suck again. They had a year where they were decent, but then let their entire defense leave during the free agency. The only thing they have going is Maurice Jones-Drew, but he alone isn't going to win this game. Maybe they should trade Jones-Drew to the Steelers in return for Baby Face. That would be incredible. The Broncos win this led by Jesus, er, Tebow.
Broncos
Oakland Raiders vs. Tennessee Titans
This game really could go either way. I would say that the Titans have less question marks than the Raiders, and based on that I'll give them the win. Plus, I'm pretty sure that Al Davis died ten years ago and they gave him the Dick Clark burial which includes mummification and reanimation.
Titans
Carolina Panthers vs. New York Giants
As much as I believe that Eli Manning is a total chode devouring bitch, I'll give the Giants the win here. At this point I'm going to the magic eight ball for all my calls.
Giants
Detroit Lions vs. Chicago Bears
The Bears spent close to ten billion dollars in free agency this past offseason, and all that loot buys them one win...this one. I'm looking forward to seeing Suh make Cutler is diabetic bitch.
Bears
Green Bay Packers vs. Philadelphia Eagles
The Packers win this one on the arm of Aaron Rodgers. However, this is the game where Kolb shows that he's not completely inept, and Philadelphia is happy to have a white quarterback again. Racists New Jerseyians.
Packers
Arizona Cardinals vs. St. Louis Rams
Ah, the battle of the inept quarterbacks. Seriously Wisenhunt, Derek Anderson? Were you never in Pittsburgh? Dumbass. I'll go out on a limb and take the Rams as their own personal Jesus, Sam Bradford, throws for two scores.
Rams
Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins
Cowboys win this one, but they are seriously over-hyped. The Redskins are probably only two or three more years of free agency deals away from moderate relevancy.
Cowboys
San Francisco 49ers vs. Seattle Seahawks
I prefer to call this matchup the "Who Gives a Shit Bowl". If you don't live on the west coast, then is game never happens and these teams don't exist. The 49ers probably win this supposed matchup and Pete Carroll begins to wish that he had stay in college.
49ers
Baltimore Ravens vs. New York Jets
Ravens win here...and put up lots of points. I hate the Jets, and I don't even know why.
Ravens
San Diego Chargers vs. Kansas City Chiefs
I actually met a Chiefs fan the other day. Funny, I didn't think there were any. There probably won't be any after this beat down.
Chargers
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Atlanta Falcons
The defense comes out in force and takes care of business...T.C.O.B. Polamalu et. al will make Matt Ryan look like Sweet D out there as the Steelers win a close one on the arm of Junior Slash.
Steelers
Awe Shit, Scientific Week One Prognostications
There are many factors that analysts consider when making predictions for NFL games. Or, at the very least, that's what they will have you believe otherwise they would end up having to work for a living...and nobody wants that. However, with those factors in mind there is really only ONE way to properly, and scientifically, make predictions for upcoming NFL games.
Madden, of course.
My YouTube prowess has uncovered DualHazzarD2, excellent moniker by the way, a Madden overlord who has began a Franchise mode and puts all of the games on YouTube. If he keeps on posting these for the season, I'll post all of his AFC North results and add my more than expert analysis to the video. Let's start with the Cleveland Browns vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, mainly because I need a laugh.
Right off the bat you know it's going to be a good game when fans are tailgating in the parking lot, playing cornhole with androgynous fan markings..."Go Team!". By the way, the Shump is a HUGE CORNHOLE CHEATER. Moving on, this really is a match up of bottom feeders and NFL low-rents. The Bucs finished last in their division, and of course you also have the Browns. Enough said.
It took the Bucs nearly the whole first quarter to put up points. I don't see that happening this weekend. I suspect the score will be more like 500-0 by the end of the first quarter. The Browns followed suit and kicked a field goal. The Bucs find the endzone again when "joyridemyass1" comes online. Someone loves anal. The Browns score a touchdown with forty two seconds left in the game. This won't happen. I don't believe they will score a touchdown all season. The game ends with a final score of 27-10, and Josh Freeman wins the Old Spice Swagger Player of the Game Award. Classic.
Next up is the Cincinnati Bengals vs. New England Patriots. I wonder if Madden can properly sim Ocho Cinco being an over-hyped assclown? We'll see.
My first thought on this game was that Carson Palmer was wearing one VERY sharp suit. I'm impressed. The score is tied at seven until the Bengals kick what looks like a ten thousand yard field goal. The score is 10-7 at that point, until Brady throws a pass the length of Massachusetts to Randal Moose. Score is 14-10 at half time. I could see the game going this way, but more likely it will be a higher score on both sides. How about the commentary on the kickoff return for a touchdown? "Uh-Oh!" and "Rumble young man, rumble.". I love it. The best thing the Madden franchise ever did was take out the Madden commentary. The Patriots go on to win the game 28-21, and Randal Moose wins the Swagger Player of the Game Award. This is the way I see the game unfolding. The Bungles will lose.
The Ravens game was not simulated in time to make this post. If DualhazzarD2 finishes it in time for the Monday night game I'll put it up.
Ah, now the finale. Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Atlanta Falcons.
HUGE DISCLAIMER...DualhazzarD2 forgot to sub out Roethlisberger for Junior Slash. Where this omission does give a ridiculous competitive edge to Pittsburgh, I'm OK with it. Junior Slash's skill set is closer to Roethlisberger's than Baby Face, so I'll allow it.
At 2:31 left in the first quarter Iron Mike Wallace reports the news to the Atlanta secondary and goes in for the score. Now, in the span of two minutes the Steelers score again and the Falcons score twice? Oh, no sir. Not in two minutes. Anyway, the score is tied at 14 going into the half.
Wallace begins reporting more news at the end of the third quarter with another touchdown pass. This could happen, even with Junior Slash behind center. Wallace is going to make us forget about Holmes this season. Mark my words. Back to the game, even Matt Spaeth gets a touchdown catch. This probably happens once every fourth lunar cycle, so be sure to Tivo it. It'll be awhile before it happens again.
Somehow the Falcons come back from a three touchdown deficit to tie the game at the end of the fourth quarter. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. The defense won't be as "offensive" as last season. But, the Steelers do close out in overtime on the toe of Quadzilla. Game. Steelers win and take an early lead in the division.
Ah, now the finale. Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Atlanta Falcons.
HUGE DISCLAIMER...DualhazzarD2 forgot to sub out Roethlisberger for Junior Slash. Where this omission does give a ridiculous competitive edge to Pittsburgh, I'm OK with it. Junior Slash's skill set is closer to Roethlisberger's than Baby Face, so I'll allow it.
At 2:31 left in the first quarter Iron Mike Wallace reports the news to the Atlanta secondary and goes in for the score. Now, in the span of two minutes the Steelers score again and the Falcons score twice? Oh, no sir. Not in two minutes. Anyway, the score is tied at 14 going into the half.
Wallace begins reporting more news at the end of the third quarter with another touchdown pass. This could happen, even with Junior Slash behind center. Wallace is going to make us forget about Holmes this season. Mark my words. Back to the game, even Matt Spaeth gets a touchdown catch. This probably happens once every fourth lunar cycle, so be sure to Tivo it. It'll be awhile before it happens again.
Somehow the Falcons come back from a three touchdown deficit to tie the game at the end of the fourth quarter. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. The defense won't be as "offensive" as last season. But, the Steelers do close out in overtime on the toe of Quadzilla. Game. Steelers win and take an early lead in the division.
Cleveland Sucks
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The Myron Cope Scholarship
I just happened across this video on YouTube:
This is classic. I absolutely LOVE Myron Cope...almost to an uncomfortable level. Just as the clip suggested, I would commonly turn down the national broadcast feed and listen to Myron Cope instead. If you couldn't make it to a game, and I've only ever been to one, that was the next best way to enjoy it and feel like you were there.
The Cope/Hillgrove tandem was arguably the best in all of sportscasting, and it's not quite the same without Cope. The network has tried to ease the blow by adding in Tunch Ilkin as a "color man" (a racist term if I've ever heard one) but the only colorful thing about Ilkin is his name. Cope could probably still kick his ass from beyond the grave.
The scholarship actually exists...I Googled the shit out of it. The link can be found here. It's a minimum $1,000 scholarship for a Communications Major at Point Park University. I would probably punch someone in the face for the chance to win a Myron Cope Scholarship. (I would punch Baby Face in the face for nothing.) I imagine that the award ceremony would require the winner to wear a suit made from Terrible Towels (The Terrible Tuxedo), and the winner would be required to drop no less than fifteen Yois and Double Yois during their acceptance speech. Additionally, the winner has to wear the hat Cope has on at 6:00 for an entire winter.
This is classic. I absolutely LOVE Myron Cope...almost to an uncomfortable level. Just as the clip suggested, I would commonly turn down the national broadcast feed and listen to Myron Cope instead. If you couldn't make it to a game, and I've only ever been to one, that was the next best way to enjoy it and feel like you were there.
The Cope/Hillgrove tandem was arguably the best in all of sportscasting, and it's not quite the same without Cope. The network has tried to ease the blow by adding in Tunch Ilkin as a "color man" (a racist term if I've ever heard one) but the only colorful thing about Ilkin is his name. Cope could probably still kick his ass from beyond the grave.
The scholarship actually exists...I Googled the shit out of it. The link can be found here. It's a minimum $1,000 scholarship for a Communications Major at Point Park University. I would probably punch someone in the face for the chance to win a Myron Cope Scholarship. (I would punch Baby Face in the face for nothing.) I imagine that the award ceremony would require the winner to wear a suit made from Terrible Towels (The Terrible Tuxedo), and the winner would be required to drop no less than fifteen Yois and Double Yois during their acceptance speech. Additionally, the winner has to wear the hat Cope has on at 6:00 for an entire winter.
Cleveland Sucks
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
What Else Needs to be Insured?
It's no secret that Polamalu has had a one million dollar policy taken out on his hair by Head and Shoulders. However, when reading more into it I was surprised to find out that this is a common practice. Athletes will regularly take an insurance policy out on, say, an arm or a leg. This is especially prevalent in college football where the appendages could be worth money one day, but currently, are not. With that thought in mind I would like to propose a couple of Steelers who should also think about taking out some insurance policies.
James Harrison needs insurance...on everybody else. This guy just doesn't give a fuck. Mark my words...one day he's going to kill somebody. Now that death may take place on the football field (if it does I hope it's Tom Brady), or it may take place outside of football. It doesn't matter. In fact, if I had to spend more than ten minutes with him I would take out a short term life insurance policy.
Baby Face should take out an insurance policy on his baby face. If given the chance I would punch his face right off of his head, and I'm sure I'm not alone on this one. What probably bothers me the most about Baby Face is that he seems to be oblivious of the fact that he is, in fact, hampered by a baby face. Fuck you Baby Face, and fuck your baby face right in the face.
If any of you have ideas on further required insurance policies for Steelers players, feel free to leave a comment.
Cleveland Rocks Chode
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