I Couldn't do a Better Job

The guy who reminds me of my Uncle Tim is back again this week, and I don't think I can do a better job of summarizing the game...although I'm still going to try.

Cleveland Sucks...Hard.

I'm behind. Deal with it.

I am officially three games behind with my informative, insightful, and possibly divine comments.  So, I'll do a quick recap of the Bengals and Patriots games, then talk about the Raiders game in a second post.

The Steelers did well against the Bengals, even if they almost gave up the game at the end.  I was seeing flashbacks to last year when the defense lost every game in the fourth quarter.  However, LeBeau devised just enough stops to win the game.  One of the dynamics I liked watching was between Chad JOHNSON and Owens.  JOHNSON was held without a catch for 75% of the game, and the camera kept filming him...pouting on the sideline like a bitch.  I knew the Owens pickup for Cincinnati wouldn't work...but now I'm glad that it's killing JOHNSON inside.  He get's the Gaper Award for being completely replaceable.

Heinz Ward impressions will not make you a good football player...dumbass.

Short and sweet for the Bengals...even shorter for the Patriots.  I had the displeasure of sitting in a New England bar while simultaneously getting embarrassed thoroughly by William Gay.  I think one of the worst things about the whole situation was that every Patriots "fan" in the bar that night was a chode.  Nothing but a bunch of fleece wearing metrosexuals who were all more interested in their fantasy team's score than the actual score.  It wasn't until the end that they opened their dick receptacles and started talking shit.  Apparently they knew it was the end of the game when their fantasy stats stopped updating.  So thank you, William Gay, for playing so terribly that I had to slink out of a bar.  

 You couldn't cover a receiver with a blanket.  

Special shout out to Jeff Reed!  See you in the unemployment line.

Cleveland Sucks.

Deebo Meets with Goodell.

I was so successful in simulating the exact thoughts of both James Harrison and Roger Goodell a couple of weeks ago, I thought I owed it to the world to do it again.  Deebo recently had a meeting with Roger Goodell regarding the numerous widow makers he throws down on the football field.  I'm pretty sure that meeting went exactly like this:

Look, James.  May I call you James without you flipping shit and ripping my head off?

You sure as Hell may not.  In fact, consider yourself lucky I don't beat you down like I did that Browns fan a couple of years ago.  You can call me Captain Ass Rape.  Because that's what you've been doing to me for the past couple of years, and if you don't fix it that's what I'm going to do to you.

I'm not quite sure that I like the sound of that.  Anyway, Captain, we need to talk about your tackling and your aggressiveness today.  To put this simply, there is no room for aggressive tacklers and, in general, meanies in my NFL.  I'm trying to market the game to Europeans, so that means less hitting and eventually I'm going to enact a rule where nobody can touch the ball with their hands.  Additionally, before tackling an offensive player you must first establish that they are both ready to be tackled and also emotionally capable to withstand said tackle.

???

Mike, this idiot is kidding right?  Seriously, white people do not have a good sense of humor...or rhythm.  It's bad enough that I NEVER get a holding call, but when someone forgets to grab my jersey and I actually get to the ball carrier, I'm fined every time I touch them.  WHAT THE SHIT GOODELL!!!

I'm not listening, I'm not listening.  Furthermore, the pink accessories being worn for breast cancer awareness will become standard issue to every team's uniform and all players will be required to take estrogen pills.  Well, all players except for kickers.  Actually, a further exception for Jeff Reed.  He will take the pills.  The bastard tore apart all of the hand towels in my house.  Also, everyone will be required to sport an NFL approved hairstyle.  The only hairstyle permitted will be a carbon copy of my perfect quaff.

 Now just wait one god damn minute Goodell!!!  If Europeans want to watch soccer, they sure as Hell can just watch soccer.  And if you think for one second I'm going to cut my hair, you are clearly delusional.  You look like a gay version of a Ken doll.

Excuse me, but please don't lump me in with Goodell.  I'm no pussy.

Hey everyone.  I don't know what all the commotion is about, I just wanted to say something to Goodell.  I'm going to rape you.

Not even you can rape the willing.  Te he he he.



Cleveland Sucks.

Who Hired Bruce Arians?

Now on to the latest debacle.  I thought the Steelers looked really good last week.  I mean, their uniforms were spectacular and Polamalu's hair had it's glorious, million dollar sheen.  Aside from that, what the Hell?  I suppose I can't lay the loss on the defense too much.  After all, they combined for 63 tackles, 2 sacks, 6 tackles for a loss, 4 passes defended, and 7 quarterback hits.  That's not bad considering the amount of time they were on the field.  "Why were they on the field so long?" you may ask.  Why, that's an easy one.

Ass.

Bruce Arians is the "Offensive" coordinator for the Pittsburgh Steelers, or as I sometimes refer to him, a football fritata.  (I promised people I'd stop using the word retarded.  Enter fritata.)  You have to be kidding me Bruce.  Here are the numbers for the Saints' defense; 58 tackles, 3 sacks, 4 tackles for a loss, 6 passes defended, and 7 quarterback hits.  The not so "offensive" line has only allowed Ben to be sacked three times in three games, until last Sunday.  "Why were there so many sacks?" you may ask.  Again, my pupil, that's an easy one.

The Saints blitzed everybody in their stadium on every single play.  Obviously this means that there would be opportunities for plays like screens, or maybe a hot route open.  After all, that's how Heinz Ward gets most of his receptions.  The answer is no, however,  For some reason Ass Arians, as seen above, continually tried to go deep.  Play after play after play after play...after play after play.  No doubt against a 100,00 person rush Roethlisberger found PLENTY of time to hold on to the ball and wait for a receiver to open up deep. Or not, I guess. 

I suppose the one thing that I hate about Arians the most is that he simply cannot adjust a game plan at half time.  What kills me is that sometimes he will scheme the opponent's defense perfectly, and everybody will say something like "See.  Don't blame Bruce Arians."  Although, the other fifty percent of the time he will do such a piss poor job in creating a game plan, see game plan against the Saints, and couple that with his extreme inability to adjust, leads to ridiculous showings that have people say something like "Bruce Arians is a football fritata."  

He better pull his head out of his ass and set up for the next game.  Seriously, who hired Bruce Arians...winner of this week's Gaper Award.

   Maybe you should spend less time wearing ridiculous hats and more time adjust a damn game plan.

Bruce Arians would probably be the greatest coach in Cleveland's history.  Sad.

  

New England can go to Hell

You can tell when I'm not happy about a game...because I simply do not write about it.  I really felt uneasy about the way the referees straight up Roethlisbergered the Miami Dolphins two weeks ago.  The following day I had to hear from every dick-loving Patriots fan about how the "Stealers" (a totally under used insult by the way) robbed the Dolphins and didn't deserve to win.  In fact, I still hear more about that than when they lost to the Saints last week.

The NFL backed the call, what else do you expect there?, so I'll live with it.  To be perfectly honest with you, the game should not have been that close with Pittsburgh fumbling the ball on their first two possessions.  If Miami had scored a touchdown off of one of those turnovers, then the poor call would not have mattered.  Anyway, I'm finished with this game.

Thus, New England, here is my final stance on the Dolphins game...the Steelers did not make the replay call you fleece wearing, granola munching douchebags.  Also, if one of you bastards cuts me off in traffic one more damn time...peace loving yuppie liberal heads are going to fly!  I was going to give the Gaper Award to the referees, but instead I'm going to give it to the entire state of Massachusetts.

    I can't wait for next week you assclowns.

I hate Massachusetts, but Cleveland's still the worst place in the universe.