There are only two possible things that could have stirred me from my post-Super Bowl literary coma, and those things are:
1. The Steelers losing 35 to 7 on opening day
2. A display of ass-holery unparalleled in the annals of football lore
We all know where this is going.
Yes, the Steelers put forth one of the worst efforts I've ever seen, from them anyway. It would make sense that the Postmaster General was in attendance with the way the Steelers mailed that one in. Zing.
The defense looked terrible, and was constantly gashed for yardage. The defensive line was smacked around harder than a paper towel dispenser. Bryant McFadden was victimized. That's the only word for it. He should fill out a police report, he was abused. In fact, the entire defense needs to go to the police station and fill out a hit and run report. They got run the fuck over.
It is possible that everyone was weighted down by huge sacks of money after the Steelers JUST GOT DONE PAYING EVERYONE BIG DAMN CONTRACTS. Maybe a refund is in order.
-Not that I'm bitter. If I get a raise and completely phone in 1/16th of the work year, my ass is fired. Just kidding, I don't work.-
The offense looked equally as horrific. The ol'Arians appeared for a good stretch. You can tell when you can easily predict the next play. Here's a hint...run...run...pass...punt. Not that Mendenhall could run anywhere. Nor could Rothlisberger complete a pass to his own damn receivers. Seven turnovers. Tastes like yesterday's vomit is in my mouth.
But hey, at least the Steelers aren't the classless Raven fucks. Two point conversions when up by three touchdowns, throwing thirty yard bombs with the game clearly in hand, going for it on fourth down when you could instead make a thirty yard field goal. Football karma is going to slap you in the face hard, John Harbaugh.
It must suck to be John Harbaugh. Think about it. He goes through his entire life and is completely overshadowed by his brother...and rightfully so. A life of being second banana certainly can explain why John Harbaugh is a classless piece of dog shit. Let's compare the pile of dog shit John with his brother Jim.
College football career (from their respective Wikipedia pages):
Harbaugh played for the junior league Ann Arbor Packers, then for Tappan Junior High, going on to Pioneer High School and then toPalo Alto High School in California, where he graduated in the class of 1982. He was a four-year letterman at the University of Michigan and finished his college career in the top five in passing attempts, completions, completion percentage, passing yards, and touchdown passes in school history. Playing for Michigan coach Bo Schembechler, he was a three-year starter, though he broke his arm five games into the 1984 season and sat out the remainder the year. As a junior in 1985, Harbaugh led the nation in passing efficiency and quarterbacked one of Schembechler's best teams. The 1985 team posted a 10–1–1 record, defeated Nebraska in the1986 Fiesta Bowl, and finished with a #2 ranking in the final polls, the highest finish for Michigan during Schembechler's tenure as head coach. As a senior in 1986, Harbaugh guided Michigan to an 11–2 record (which included his guaranteed victory over arch-rival Ohio State, which Michigan won, 26–24 in Columbus) and a berth in the 1987 Rose Bowl while earning Big Ten Conference Player of the Year honors and finishing third in the Heisman balloting. Harbaugh was also named to the Big Ten's All-Academic team, as well as the 1986 AP and UPI All-American teams. He held the career NCAA Division I FBS passing efficiency rating record (325–399 completions) for 12 years. He led the nation in efficiency in 1985.
Harbaugh graduated from Pioneer High School in Ann Arbor, Michigan, during which time his father, Jack, was an assistant under Bo Schembechler at the nearby University of Michigan. He played collegiate football for Miami University, where he was a defensive back. He wasn't very good. He was commonly seen with one thumb in his mouth, and one in his ass, crying for hours while repeating "I'm John. I'M JOHN!" He would also switch thumbs.
Harbaugh entered the NFL as a first-round draft pick by the Chicago Bears in 1987. He played seven seasons for the Bears and passed for a career-high 3,121 yards with them in 1991.From 1994 to 1997, Harbaugh quarterbacked the Indianapolis Colts, and in 1995, achieved career highs in completion percentage (63.7) and touchdown passes (17). While with the Colts, during the 1995–96 NFL playoffs he led the team to the AFC Championship game and came within one dropped Hail Mary pass of taking the Colts to the Super Bowl for the first time since 1970. In 1995, he was voted to the Pro Bowl, was named Comeback Player of the Year and AFC Player of the Year, and was runner-up in the NFL MVP voting. With the Colts, Harbaugh completed 746 of 1,230 passes for 8,705 yards and 49 touchdowns and won the NFL passer rating title in 1995 with a rating of 100.7. In January 2005, Harbaugh was inducted into the Indianapolis Colts Ring of Honor as one of the most successful and popular players in the club's Indianapolis era.After a last-place 3–13 record in 1997, Harbaugh was traded to the Baltimore Ravens (based in the Colts' former home city of Baltimore, Maryland) to make room for 1st overall draft pickPeyton Manning. During the 1998 season, Harbaugh was the starter but would split playing time with eventual bust Eric Zeier. Then he played two years with the San Diego Chargers. In 1999 he led the Chargers to an 8–8 record, but in 2000 the Chargers finished with a 1–15 record behind Harbaugh and first-round bust Ryan Leaf. Harbaugh signed with the Detroit Lionsprior to the 2001 season, where he was expected to backup incumbent starter Charlie Batch. However, on the eve of the regular season, the Lions cut him and traded for Ty Detmer. Harbaugh then closed out his NFL career with the Carolina Panthers in 2001, where he dressed for 6 games but did not compile any statistics.For his NFL career, Harbaugh played in 177 league games with 140 starts. He completed 2,305 of 3,918 passes for 26,288 yards with 129 touchdowns. Particularly during his time with Indianapolis—such as when he led the Colts to come-from-behind wins over the Chiefs and Chargers in 1995–96 NFL playoffs and a near upset over the No. 2 AFC seed Steelers—he earned the nickname "Captain Comeback" (the second player to be so nicknamed after Roger Staubach) for his ability to win games in the fourth quarter after overcoming significant point deficits.
John Harbaugh is the brother of the more impressive Jim Harbaugh. For Jim Harbaugh, see above. For John Harbaugh, check the "Brother of Someone Better than me Because I'm a Piece of Dog Shit" category where you can also find Charlie Murphy, any Baldwin not named Alec, Maggie and/or Jake Gyllenhaal, Donnie Wahlberg, Ben Affleck (Casey is much better), and Frank Stalone.
This is for you John:
Even if it's not true.
John Harbaugh can rot in Hell...but I guess that Baltimore is bad enough. I've seen The Wire. I know what Baltimore is like.