John Harbaugh is a Classless Piece of Dog Shit

There are only two possible things that could have stirred me from my post-Super Bowl literary coma, and those things are:

1. The Steelers losing 35 to 7 on opening day

2. A display of ass-holery unparalleled in the annals of football lore

We all know where this is going.

Yes, the Steelers put forth one of the worst efforts I've ever seen, from them anyway. It would make sense that the Postmaster General was in attendance with the way the Steelers mailed that one in. Zing.

The defense looked terrible, and was constantly gashed for yardage. The defensive line was smacked around harder than a paper towel dispenser. Bryant McFadden was victimized. That's the only word for it. He should fill out a police report, he was abused. In fact, the entire defense needs to go to the police station and fill out a hit and run report. They got run the fuck over.

It is possible that everyone was weighted down by huge sacks of money after the Steelers JUST GOT DONE PAYING EVERYONE BIG DAMN CONTRACTS. Maybe a refund is in order.

-Not that I'm bitter. If I get a raise and completely phone in 1/16th of the work year, my ass is fired. Just kidding, I don't work.-

The offense looked equally as horrific. The ol'Arians appeared for a good stretch. You can tell when you can easily predict the next play. Here's a hint...run...run...pass...punt. Not that Mendenhall could run anywhere. Nor could Rothlisberger complete a pass to his own damn receivers. Seven turnovers. Tastes like yesterday's vomit is in my mouth.

But hey, at least the Steelers aren't the classless Raven fucks. Two point conversions when up by three touchdowns, throwing thirty yard bombs with the game clearly in hand, going for it on fourth down when you could instead make a thirty yard field goal. Football karma is going to slap you in the face hard, John Harbaugh.

It must suck to be John Harbaugh. Think about it. He goes through his entire life and is completely overshadowed by his brother...and rightfully so. A life of being second banana certainly can explain why John Harbaugh is a classless piece of dog shit. Let's compare the pile of dog shit John with his brother Jim.

College football career (from their respective Wikipedia pages):

Jim:

Harbaugh played for the junior league Ann Arbor Packers, then for Tappan Junior High, going on to Pioneer High School and then toPalo Alto High School in California, where he graduated in the class of 1982.[3] He was a four-year letterman at the University of Michigan and finished his college career in the top five in passing attempts, completions, completion percentage, passing yards, and touchdown passes in school history. Playing for Michigan coach Bo Schembechler, he was a three-year starter, though he broke his arm five games into the 1984 season and sat out the remainder the year. As a junior in 1985, Harbaugh led the nation in passing efficiency and quarterbacked one of Schembechler's best teams. The 1985 team posted a 10–1–1 record, defeated Nebraska in the1986 Fiesta Bowl, and finished with a #2 ranking in the final polls, the highest finish for Michigan during Schembechler's tenure as head coach. As a senior in 1986, Harbaugh guided Michigan to an 11–2 record (which included his guaranteed victory over arch-rival Ohio State, which Michigan won, 26–24 in Columbus)[4] and a berth in the 1987 Rose Bowl while earning Big Ten Conference Player of the Year honors and finishing third in the Heisman balloting. Harbaugh was also named to the Big Ten's All-Academic team, as well as the 1986 AP and UPI All-American teams. He held the career NCAA Division I FBS passing efficiency rating record (325–399 completions) for 12 years.[5] He led the nation in efficiency in 1985.[6]

John:

Harbaugh graduated from Pioneer High School in Ann Arbor, Michigan, during which time his father, Jack, was an assistant under Bo Schembechler at the nearby University of Michigan. He played collegiate football for Miami University, where he was a defensive back. He wasn't very good. He was commonly seen with one thumb in his mouth, and one in his ass, crying for hours while repeating "I'm John. I'M JOHN!" He would also switch thumbs.

NFL Career

Jim:

Harbaugh entered the NFL as a first-round draft pick by the Chicago Bears in 1987. He played seven seasons for the Bears and passed for a career-high 3,121 yards with them in 1991.From 1994 to 1997, Harbaugh quarterbacked the Indianapolis Colts, and in 1995, achieved career highs in completion percentage (63.7) and touchdown passes (17). While with the Colts, during the 1995–96 NFL playoffs he led the team to the AFC Championship game and came within one dropped Hail Mary pass of taking the Colts to the Super Bowl for the first time since 1970. In 1995, he was voted to the Pro Bowl, was named Comeback Player of the Year and AFC Player of the Year, and was runner-up in the NFL MVP voting. With the Colts, Harbaugh completed 746 of 1,230 passes for 8,705 yards and 49 touchdowns and won the NFL passer rating title in 1995 with a rating of 100.7. In January 2005, Harbaugh was inducted into the Indianapolis Colts Ring of Honor as one of the most successful and popular players in the club's Indianapolis era.After a last-place 3–13 record in 1997, Harbaugh was traded to the Baltimore Ravens (based in the Colts' former home city of Baltimore, Maryland) to make room for 1st overall draft pickPeyton Manning. During the 1998 season, Harbaugh was the starter but would split playing time with eventual bust Eric Zeier. Then he played two years with the San Diego Chargers. In 1999 he led the Chargers to an 8–8 record, but in 2000 the Chargers finished with a 1–15 record behind Harbaugh and first-round bust Ryan Leaf. Harbaugh signed with the Detroit Lionsprior to the 2001 season, where he was expected to backup incumbent starter Charlie Batch. However, on the eve of the regular season, the Lions cut him and traded for Ty Detmer. Harbaugh then closed out his NFL career with the Carolina Panthers in 2001, where he dressed for 6 games but did not compile any statistics.For his NFL career, Harbaugh played in 177 league games with 140 starts. He completed 2,305 of 3,918 passes for 26,288 yards with 129 touchdowns. Particularly during his time with Indianapolis—such as when he led the Colts to come-from-behind wins over the Chiefs and Chargers in 1995–96 NFL playoffs and a near upset over the No. 2 AFC seed Steelers—he earned the nickname "Captain Comeback" (the second player to be so nicknamed after Roger Staubach) for his ability to win games in the fourth quarter after overcoming significant point deficits.

John:

John Harbaugh is the brother of the more impressive Jim Harbaugh. For Jim Harbaugh, see above. For John Harbaugh, check the "Brother of Someone Better than me Because I'm a Piece of Dog Shit" category where you can also find Charlie Murphy, any Baldwin not named Alec, Maggie and/or Jake Gyllenhaal, Donnie Wahlberg, Ben Affleck (Casey is much better), and Frank Stalone.

This is for you John:

Even if it's not true.

John Harbaugh can rot in Hell...but I guess that Baltimore is bad enough. I've seen The Wire. I know what Baltimore is like.

These Songs are like Art Rooney's Gift to the Ear

WTAE has an exhaustive list of fan songs for the upcoming Super Bowl.  I say exhaustive because I was exhausted from listening to garbage.  I've compiled what I thought to be the best of the lot.  (Which means that they are.)  The people making these songs clearly love pop music, but with the base turned high enough even those songs are tolerable.

Enjoy.

And of course:

If I missed any you personally feel are the best, let me know and I'll add them immediately.

Cheese Heads are for Douche Bags

Let's Talk About the Pro Bowl

Just kidding!  Nobody gives a shit about the Pro Bowl...nobody.  Here is a gem from Kenny Mayne instead.

Steelers a Team of Criminals?

I just recently finished reading an article on ESPN.com, written by David Fleming, which paints the Steelers as the dirtiest franchise in sports.  The article can be found here:

Well composed pile of dog shit story.

David Fleming brought up some very good points, several of which I did not know about.  For example, the apparent widespread use of human growth hormone (HGH) in the Steelers' locker room in the 70's.  I can't defend the use of HGH, nor can anybody else confirm the validity of the accusations.  I would like to point out, however, at the time it was not illegal and nobody knew the long-range effects of the drugs.  (Imagine if in twenty years Gatorade is banned in the NFL for causing extreme anal fissures.)

The one part of the "article" that really got me to think was a section earlier in the piece where he called out the number of arrests for the Steelers since Super Bowl XL.  As this is really the only accusation which can be backed up with evidence, I've decided to look at the numbers myself.  Don't worry, I'm not going to pick an arbitrary starting point to alter the numbers and improve my case, Fleming.  I'll start at the year 2000 and count from there.  (Source is a database provided by the San Diego Union-Tribune.)

I'm an expert at repertoire and Excel.  Take a look:

What you see here is the number of arrests a football team has experienced (in blue) with the number of those cases which the charges were dropped (in red) since the year 2000.  What you may notice is that the blue bar for the Steelers hardly jumps out from the mean.  (Don't let David Fleming know this...it hurts his point.)  Further, the average number of arrests in this ten year time span is 17...almost two arrests per year per team.  Fleming would lead you to believe, from his very specific and detailed reference in his article, that the Steelers are leading the pack in arrests.

False.

As a matter of fact, Pittsburgh has netted only 16 arrests in the past 10 years, and four of those cases were dropped, leaving a grand total of 12 cases prosecuted.  I would also like to point out that of those 12 cases, Plaxico Burress and Santonio Holmes each account for two.

Now for my Fleming reference: the Green Bay Packers have had 12 arrests in 10 years with zero drops for a grand total of 12 cases prosecuted.  Kudos to David Fleming for skewing numbers in his favor.

I think the real cause for alarm in this chart is the apparent quality of several groups of NFL lawyers.  Green Bay, Philadelphia, and St. Louis might need to find new counsel as they have had zero dropped cases in 10 years.  On the other hand, San Diego might want to give their lawyers a raise as fully 55% of their charges become dropped.  Super Chargers!

Fleming's article definitely resulted in me wondering what other stories are out there regarding football players' fallouts from the 60's to the 80's.  Unlike Fleming though, I don't get paid to look into such curiosities...so I guess in the end he wins.

I'll end this post with a countdown.  Everyone loves countdowns.  How about the top ten mugshots in recent NFL history?  OH YEAH!  (Source is the San Diego News Network.  San Diego really loves this stuff, I guess.)

10.  Cedric Benson

The Bears' star was arrested in 2008 for drunk driving in Texas, though he claims he wasn't drunk.  Yeah...right.

9.  Deion Sanders  

Sanders was arrested in 1996 after being caught trespassing on land owned by the Southwest Florida International Airport while fishing.  Moron.  I bet he was "fishing".

8.  Michael Irvin

Irvin was arrested in Texas in 2005 after cops found a marijuana pipe with residue tucked in the driver's seat of his Mercedes during a traffic stop.

7.  Rae Carruth

 Carruth's arrest is noteworthy as he ended up being sentenced to 18 years in prison.  He murdered his pregnant girlfriend after he allegedly conspired in her death and the death of her unborn baby in an attempt to avoid child support payments.  Mission accomplished, I guess.

6.  Randy Moss

Moss was arrested in 2002 after he allegedly drove over an office who attempted to give him a ticket.  He was also booked on charges of assault with a deadly weapon.

5.  Fred Lane Jr.

Lane was arrested by police after cops found a loaded assault rifle in his trunk in 2000.  Apparently he had a reason to carry the gun, as he was subsequently found shot to death by his wife.

4.  Ray Lewis

Lewis was arrested and charged with murder in 2000 following the stabbing of two men at an Atlanta nightclub.  Lewis later pleased guilty to obstruction of justice and served 12 months on probation.  Not guilty my ass.

3.  Plaxico Burress

Enough said.

2.  OJ Simpson

Not here for what you think.  Simpson was sentenced to prison on charges of armed robbery and kidnapping charges in 2008.  Where oh where was Johnny Cochran then?

1.  Michael "Mad Dog" Vick

Also, enough said.

Jeff Reed did not make this list ONLY because I couldn't find his mugshot.  Here is the closest replacement available:

I bet he is loving life in San Francisco.

Cleveland Sucks.

 

Super Bowl.

Ever had a hard time starting something back up after a break?  Yeah.  Unfortunately for both of my avid readers, real-life caught up to me for a while.  However, I would like both of you to know that I have decided to shirk my real-life responsibilities, and concentrate on what is really important.  Steelers' Super Bowl.  You hear that real-life?  You can suck my magnificent dick.  ON TO THE SUPER BOWL!!

But first...

I have about nine weeks of Gaper Awards to give out.  Fuck it.  They all go to that blathering assclown Rex Ryan.  Would you like to know the best part regarding the AFC Championship game?  When me and a bar full of Patriots fans were all cheering..."Fuck you, Rex Ryan".  I know someone who isn't disappointed to see Rex de-feeted.

Yeah, that shit's real.  More excellent Super Bowl Coverage to follow.

Rex Ryan Sucks...But Cleveland Sucks Rex Ryan

I Couldn't do a Better Job

The guy who reminds me of my Uncle Tim is back again this week, and I don't think I can do a better job of summarizing the game...although I'm still going to try.

Cleveland Sucks...Hard.

I'm behind. Deal with it.

I am officially three games behind with my informative, insightful, and possibly divine comments.  So, I'll do a quick recap of the Bengals and Patriots games, then talk about the Raiders game in a second post.

The Steelers did well against the Bengals, even if they almost gave up the game at the end.  I was seeing flashbacks to last year when the defense lost every game in the fourth quarter.  However, LeBeau devised just enough stops to win the game.  One of the dynamics I liked watching was between Chad JOHNSON and Owens.  JOHNSON was held without a catch for 75% of the game, and the camera kept filming him...pouting on the sideline like a bitch.  I knew the Owens pickup for Cincinnati wouldn't work...but now I'm glad that it's killing JOHNSON inside.  He get's the Gaper Award for being completely replaceable.

Heinz Ward impressions will not make you a good football player...dumbass.

Short and sweet for the Bengals...even shorter for the Patriots.  I had the displeasure of sitting in a New England bar while simultaneously getting embarrassed thoroughly by William Gay.  I think one of the worst things about the whole situation was that every Patriots "fan" in the bar that night was a chode.  Nothing but a bunch of fleece wearing metrosexuals who were all more interested in their fantasy team's score than the actual score.  It wasn't until the end that they opened their dick receptacles and started talking shit.  Apparently they knew it was the end of the game when their fantasy stats stopped updating.  So thank you, William Gay, for playing so terribly that I had to slink out of a bar.  

 You couldn't cover a receiver with a blanket.  

Special shout out to Jeff Reed!  See you in the unemployment line.

Cleveland Sucks.

Deebo Meets with Goodell.

I was so successful in simulating the exact thoughts of both James Harrison and Roger Goodell a couple of weeks ago, I thought I owed it to the world to do it again.  Deebo recently had a meeting with Roger Goodell regarding the numerous widow makers he throws down on the football field.  I'm pretty sure that meeting went exactly like this:

Look, James.  May I call you James without you flipping shit and ripping my head off?

You sure as Hell may not.  In fact, consider yourself lucky I don't beat you down like I did that Browns fan a couple of years ago.  You can call me Captain Ass Rape.  Because that's what you've been doing to me for the past couple of years, and if you don't fix it that's what I'm going to do to you.

I'm not quite sure that I like the sound of that.  Anyway, Captain, we need to talk about your tackling and your aggressiveness today.  To put this simply, there is no room for aggressive tacklers and, in general, meanies in my NFL.  I'm trying to market the game to Europeans, so that means less hitting and eventually I'm going to enact a rule where nobody can touch the ball with their hands.  Additionally, before tackling an offensive player you must first establish that they are both ready to be tackled and also emotionally capable to withstand said tackle.

???

Mike, this idiot is kidding right?  Seriously, white people do not have a good sense of humor...or rhythm.  It's bad enough that I NEVER get a holding call, but when someone forgets to grab my jersey and I actually get to the ball carrier, I'm fined every time I touch them.  WHAT THE SHIT GOODELL!!!

I'm not listening, I'm not listening.  Furthermore, the pink accessories being worn for breast cancer awareness will become standard issue to every team's uniform and all players will be required to take estrogen pills.  Well, all players except for kickers.  Actually, a further exception for Jeff Reed.  He will take the pills.  The bastard tore apart all of the hand towels in my house.  Also, everyone will be required to sport an NFL approved hairstyle.  The only hairstyle permitted will be a carbon copy of my perfect quaff.

 Now just wait one god damn minute Goodell!!!  If Europeans want to watch soccer, they sure as Hell can just watch soccer.  And if you think for one second I'm going to cut my hair, you are clearly delusional.  You look like a gay version of a Ken doll.

Excuse me, but please don't lump me in with Goodell.  I'm no pussy.

Hey everyone.  I don't know what all the commotion is about, I just wanted to say something to Goodell.  I'm going to rape you.

Not even you can rape the willing.  Te he he he.



Cleveland Sucks.

Who Hired Bruce Arians?

Now on to the latest debacle.  I thought the Steelers looked really good last week.  I mean, their uniforms were spectacular and Polamalu's hair had it's glorious, million dollar sheen.  Aside from that, what the Hell?  I suppose I can't lay the loss on the defense too much.  After all, they combined for 63 tackles, 2 sacks, 6 tackles for a loss, 4 passes defended, and 7 quarterback hits.  That's not bad considering the amount of time they were on the field.  "Why were they on the field so long?" you may ask.  Why, that's an easy one.

Ass.

Bruce Arians is the "Offensive" coordinator for the Pittsburgh Steelers, or as I sometimes refer to him, a football fritata.  (I promised people I'd stop using the word retarded.  Enter fritata.)  You have to be kidding me Bruce.  Here are the numbers for the Saints' defense; 58 tackles, 3 sacks, 4 tackles for a loss, 6 passes defended, and 7 quarterback hits.  The not so "offensive" line has only allowed Ben to be sacked three times in three games, until last Sunday.  "Why were there so many sacks?" you may ask.  Again, my pupil, that's an easy one.

The Saints blitzed everybody in their stadium on every single play.  Obviously this means that there would be opportunities for plays like screens, or maybe a hot route open.  After all, that's how Heinz Ward gets most of his receptions.  The answer is no, however,  For some reason Ass Arians, as seen above, continually tried to go deep.  Play after play after play after play...after play after play.  No doubt against a 100,00 person rush Roethlisberger found PLENTY of time to hold on to the ball and wait for a receiver to open up deep. Or not, I guess. 

I suppose the one thing that I hate about Arians the most is that he simply cannot adjust a game plan at half time.  What kills me is that sometimes he will scheme the opponent's defense perfectly, and everybody will say something like "See.  Don't blame Bruce Arians."  Although, the other fifty percent of the time he will do such a piss poor job in creating a game plan, see game plan against the Saints, and couple that with his extreme inability to adjust, leads to ridiculous showings that have people say something like "Bruce Arians is a football fritata."  

He better pull his head out of his ass and set up for the next game.  Seriously, who hired Bruce Arians...winner of this week's Gaper Award.

   Maybe you should spend less time wearing ridiculous hats and more time adjust a damn game plan.

Bruce Arians would probably be the greatest coach in Cleveland's history.  Sad.

  

New England can go to Hell

You can tell when I'm not happy about a game...because I simply do not write about it.  I really felt uneasy about the way the referees straight up Roethlisbergered the Miami Dolphins two weeks ago.  The following day I had to hear from every dick-loving Patriots fan about how the "Stealers" (a totally under used insult by the way) robbed the Dolphins and didn't deserve to win.  In fact, I still hear more about that than when they lost to the Saints last week.

The NFL backed the call, what else do you expect there?, so I'll live with it.  To be perfectly honest with you, the game should not have been that close with Pittsburgh fumbling the ball on their first two possessions.  If Miami had scored a touchdown off of one of those turnovers, then the poor call would not have mattered.  Anyway, I'm finished with this game.

Thus, New England, here is my final stance on the Dolphins game...the Steelers did not make the replay call you fleece wearing, granola munching douchebags.  Also, if one of you bastards cuts me off in traffic one more damn time...peace loving yuppie liberal heads are going to fly!  I was going to give the Gaper Award to the referees, but instead I'm going to give it to the entire state of Massachusetts.

    I can't wait for next week you assclowns.

I hate Massachusetts, but Cleveland's still the worst place in the universe.